It's not up to me to make it work with the ex.

Most of us stepmoms probably did a lot of research trying to figure out how to make "it" work - the relationship with the stepkids, the relationship with the ex (aka "it" by some people I guess, lol), and a marriage to a man who has to juggle his children, a new wife, and the sometimes irrational expectations of an ex. There had to be some way to make the relationship with the husband's ex-girlfriend work, right?

I bought and checked out so many stepfamily and divorce books, trying to get some understanding of how to co-parent with somebody who didn't want to co-parent and who would never like me no matter what because I was married to the man she wanted to be married to (it had nothing to do with "me" personally). She would have despised any woman in that role so I shouldn't have taken it personally, right? Yeah, right. She made it personal with her snotty remarks, interfering behavior, and when my own children were hurt by her interfering behavior.

Yikes, got off track. What I came to realize after so many years of feeling like we were living in the blazing flames of "you know where" whenever we had to deal with her is that nothing I read about how to make a stepfamily work or how to co-parent successfully with the ex WOULD work unless she was willing to meet part of the way - even a little part. She not only refused to take a step forward, she ran backward as fast as she could spewing bitterness all the way.

I've been married more than 13 years to the man that the children's therapists have said she still wants and the last person she dated was my husband (yeah, it's been that long). That has been her problem, not mine. Can I change her mind, her behavior, or her feelings? Absolutely not. Did I do everything I could to try to form some relationship with her? Yes, I did. Do I feel guilty for not caring a thing about her? Nope. Do I enjoy the fact that I haven't seen her face in four years? Oh heck ya!