Shame On Me

>> Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I give up. There are some things in life that will not be changed right now. Accept that right? Accept it for five more years or forever if necessary. My stepdaughter graduates in 3-1/2 years and stepson in 5-1/2 years. I've said "I give up" before but always soften up and try again. Why? When I try to help certain people, it just comes back to bite me in the backside. When am I going to learn? How many times am I going to put myself into this same position to get attitude and blame because other people won't grow up? I'm the convenient punching bag for a lying, manipulative, person who enjoys the victim role too much to ever give it up! Sure, play victim for another decade. Why not. To heck with what it has done to the people who love you the most. I set myself up for this. I really did. I should know better by now. I should have stayed disengaged. Shame on me. Really. I should just stop caring. If it could only be that easy. What really irritates me off is that the result of the manipulating, lying behavior hurts...which fuels my anger because I can do something with anger. Can't do much with tears. I hate crying. I hate crying over this situation year in and year out. Yeah it's 2008...let's cry some more.

Somebody tattoo this on my backside so I don't forget: "Stop caring. There is nothing I can do. It's not up to me to help or reach out. It's not my problem."


In The Beginning...

>> Wednesday, January 2, 2008

In the beginning, it was the romantic high of a new relationship and being in love between my husband and I. Soon enough, I met his daughter. She was a beautiful child with my then boyfriend's large blue eyes who shyly shared her candy corn with me. She was sweet and shy and loving all rolled into one. We always had a good time together and we bonded quickly. I adored that little girl. Every visit, no matter where I was at our place, I would hear my future stepdaughter come in our front door and ask, "where's Cole" (she couldn't say my name so that was her name for me for years afterward) before I'd hear her running feet coming at me for a big hug hello. We had sweet times together though I had yet to meet my future stepson as his mother was still denying dad any visitation (because dad didn't love mom anymore...that was his punishment). The ex-girlfriend told dad that if he took her to court to see him, she'd tell everybody he wasn't his.

Then the day came when the ex-girlfriend saw me for the first time. Boy did the you know what hit the fan. I could hear her yelling from out in the parking lot of the apartment complex. That was my first taste of what dad had been telling me about what it was like for him to live with her. After that point, he told me that he was told that he couldn't see daughter if I was there (which he obviously was not going to give in to her with - letting her dictate that). There were evenings when our phone would be ringing all evening long from her incessant calling.

When he would come back from taking the little girl back to her mother's he'd be upset often. He said the ex would go off at him in front of the kids and their daughter would yell at her mom to stop yelling at her daddy. It was very upsetting for dad and he thought for his child as well. There was ALWAYS SOMETHING to be complained about loudly and angrily. I was getting a really good idea on why he had said he was so miserable and why he could never have married her. He even said at one point he'd rather shoot himself than spend his life with her. Boy, she must've been a joy eh?

Once while I was talking to the daughter like usual (she was 2-1/2 or so at the time), she said something very hurtful towards me and she wouldn't look at me. It sounded like this toddler had regurgitated something an adult had told her because it didn't sound like something a child this age would say. What happened to that sweet child who had been so loving? I turned away and started crying silently so the child didn't know. When dad walked in, I said to him, "It's starting." Dad took daughter aside and talked to her for a few minutes quietly. That little girl came running into my arms so fast! It was disgusting that somebody was using an innocent child!

Then, I was being accused by the ex-girlfriend of hurting my stepdaughter (never laid a finger on her then or ever). Later, I would be accused of stealing the child's pants by the ex and her sister (what would I want with a three year old's pants?), complete with phone calls from the both of them. It was ridiculuous. What was more ridiculous was seeing the child show up for future visitations wearing the same pants I had been accused of stealing. It became a neverending battle of undoing the damage. (Yes, dad did eventually get to see his son...he had to take the ex to court to get his son.) I met my future stepson four days before we married.

After months of asking me to marry him and my refusing, I finally agreed to get engaged. THAT was another ordeal. My ring was referred to as a "rock the size of Texas". Give me a break. Nothing that large:) Apparently a friend of the ex's saw me and now hubby at Kroger and had to tell the ex who talked to somebody in dh's family I guess because that's where we heard it from. This same trip to Kroger was a huge source of gossip for the ex as the ex's parents were there and saw us as well. We were quite affectionate at that stage in public of our relationship so I'm sure we gave them a nice happy, kissy show without even realizing they were there. Oh well. It seems like the ex had several conversations about dh to people close to him because we were hearing things (like the ex saying my husband wouldn't talk to the ex saying he wasn't paying support - liar). I answered back that everytime he'd tried to talk to her, ex would go off on him in front of the kids and as far as the support - always paid, always on time (even now 17 years later)!

So, those were some of the joys of blending before marriage. There were plenty more things but I wanted to keep this short and sweet.

At this stage, we had paid an attorney to get dad time with his son and more consistent time with his daughter. We were waiting for a court date when we got married.


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