Step-Parenting

Are you a step-parent ("bonus" parent)?

Do you find yourself taking on a lot of the responsibility that biological parents take on with little acknowledgement? Do you find yourself wiping snotty noses, sitting up with a sick child, cleaning up vomit, trying to get grass stains out of pants, helping to provide financially for a stepchild, giving hugs, fixing boo-boo's, wiping tears, fixing lunches, jumping up in the middle of the night if your stepchild cries out from a bad dream or to kill that spider on the ceiling, transporting your stepchild around town, etc? Do you find your weekends taken up by messy art projects, walks around the neighborhood with children, trips to parks (zoos, etc.)? Are your vacations planned around and spent with your stepchildren? Boy, that sounds like something a parent does, doesn't it?

Being a stepparent can be difficult. You have much of the same responsibilities of a parent, but not the acknowledgement of being one by many people or the recognition by the family court system. I am one of the lucky ones. I have a supportive husband who treats me as an equal parent with him. I am acknowledged for my parenting skills by my husband. We each bring different but necessary qualities to our parenting roles with ALL of our children.

Even though you may not get the acknowledgement from that child's other parent, remember that it doesn't change anything within your family home. Forming a relationship with a child who you did not give birth to takes much more effort than what a "natural" parent must put forth, but when that love is offered to you from your stepchild, it gives it a special meaning for that same reason. Acknowledgement from the same sex other parent isn't important. It doesn't have any impact on my relationship with my stepchildren and that is more important to me. My life with my stepchildren doesn't revolve around what the other same gender parent thinks of me.

I've sometimes been the "parent" my stepdaughter has come to with something she didn't feel comfortable talking to her biological parents about. (I know this because she tells me she doesn't want to talk to her mother about it.) When my stepdaughter presents questions to me (where do babies come from, why can't we all live together, why don't I have a stepfather, why can't I stay here forever, why, why, why, etc.), this indicates to me that my stepdaughter loves and trusts me.

Communicate with your spouse about the children. Be open and honest about any concerns or problems you may have. My husband has always listened to my concerns. He respects me, my feelings, and our family time. If something affects me and our family (financially, parenting time, etc.), he discusses it with me first, invites my input, and we come to an agreement together. (After all, my husband may not know what family plans have been made for a weekend that might be switched, what holiday plans are made, the state of our budget, etc.) There are times when your spouse might slip and make a mistake that makes you feel slighted, but if you talk to him about it, the willingness to listen to you is very important. The other parent may resent your input but don't let it bother you. How you choose to relate to your spouse and your family within your own home is your business...not the ex-wife/husband or ex-girlfriend/boyfriend or anybody else's.

Present a united front to the children. This is very important so the children do not play one against the other. If you and your spouse disagree on a topic, do not discuss it in front of the children. Tell the children you will need to discuss it and that you will let them know later. Also, check with your significant other if you are asked something from your stepchild that you are unsure you should agree to (and vice versa). My stepchildren have tried a few times to ask me something that I refuse and then go to their father and ask him for the same thing! When this happens, correct the situation immediately. My husband always supports a decision I have made if the children try to come to him after already being told "no" by me and vice versa. Biological children do the same thing. It isn't a "step" situation only.

If your stepchild comes to you about a problem with their other parent (mother or father), encourage them to discuss it with that other parent themselves. Perhaps you could offer suggestions to them on how to broach the subject, but try not to step in and do it for them (unless the child is being harmed or could be harmed). The child will probably have better luck resolving the issue with the other parent themselves rather than you stepping in and creating a situation where the other parent rejects the input/problem just because YOU broached the subject (does he/she say "black" when you say "white"?).

Don't talk negatively about your stepchild's other parent no matter how tempting! Keep negative comments about an ex-significant other between your spouse and yourself. It will hurt the children to hear negative comments about their other parent (even if it is true). My husband and I have had to do "damage control" in the past for things they have overheard from others outside of our home. Don't put your children in this situation. It isn't their problem that the adults can't get along; don't make it their problem.

View your stepchild as an individual. It may be hard at times to look at them and see their other parent staring back at you. Learn to separate the child from their other parent. This may be hard to do in the beginning but you can do it! Look for the qualities in your stepchild that came from your significant other. He/she does have half the genes of that person.

Support your stepchild's relationship with his/her other parent. When my stepchildren were younger, I would buy them craft supplies and sit with them and help them make their mother things (cards, art, etc.) for birthdays and holidays. We are creating our own memories together that they will hopefully remember when they are adults. She doesn't do anything like this for me but that doesn't matter. Who will have the children's respect when they are old enough to understand that despite everything, their dad and stepmom still didn't act hateful?

This is OUR family, just as you have YOUR OWN family. People can only do what you allow them to do to you. Don't allow them that much control over you or your household.

Though this may be a hard one but turn your anger into compassion for a hated ex. I don't mean to have compassion because they continue to TRY to make your life miserable. I mean to have compassion for whatever it is inside of them that they can't get over or move on with and that they can't find the happiness that you have found, obviously, or else they wouldn't be trying to make your life miserable (and not succeeding!). That makes them kind of pathetic doesn't it? Somebody to feel pity for! Don't waste your time on anger though I know how hard that can be sometimes (from personal experience).