Non-Custodial Parent

Tips for Non-Custodial Parents

When you pick up or drop off your child, be civil to your child's other parent. Even though this may be difficult at times, make an attempt. Your children feel the tension even if you don't realize they do.

Children will worry about you if they think you are at home and miserable without them. It isn't their responsibility to ensure your happiness. Let them know that you're ok. On the opposite end, they might also feel like you have created a new life for yourself and there isn't any room for them anymore. Reassure them of your love for them even though they can't be with you all the time. Send them notes through the mail. For the small price of postage, it is well worth it. We send my stepchildren inexpensive gifts, notes, cards, etc. through the mail. We let them know that even though they aren't here with us, that we are thinking of them. (My stepdaughter asked me once if we would keep doing that because she likes it.)

Encourage your child's relationship with their other parent. The parent-child relationship has nothing to do with the relationship you had with that parent. Don't confuse the two.

A child has the capacity to love many people. Because he loves his other parent, his stepparent, his half-sister with that other parent, etc., does not mean that he/she loves you less. It isn't a bad thing to have so many people loving your child. You should be proud that your child is that loveable! You should be happy that your child is so cared for! Would you rather he or she be unloved/neglected when at the other parent's home? How would it make your child feel if his/her other parent ignored them? How would it make your child feel if his/her stepparent ignored them or treated them differently than their step or half siblings? Do you want your child to feel hurt? A child's love for somebody other than you should not be a source of insecurity and it's not a fair burden to place on the child.

Do not ask your child questions about the other parent's home, personal life, etc. to be nosy. It isn't your child's responsibility to provide this to you. There is nothing wrong with showing a genuine interest in how your child spends their time, has fun, etc., but don't pry into your ex's life!

Make an attempt at involving yourself in your child's life. Contact the school (see here). Ask your child how his day/week went. Don't just ask yes or no questions. Let their custodial parent know that you are available to care for the child instead of a babysitter. Let the custodial parent know that you are available to take them to a medical check-up, to their next field trip, etc. Your interest to do so may be ignored, but at least you made the attempt. Nobody can say dad (or mom if mom is non-custodial) didn't try to be as involved as possible in his or her children's lives (at least without lying). If your child is involved in sports or other extracurricular activities, go to the games (shows, etc.). Unless there is a restraining order, you can go to any public place where your child may be playing football, dancing, etc. to watch your child the same as the custodial parent can (at least in Michigan anyway...check your state but I would imagine most states are similar).

Try to have a few things at your home for your children that they can leave there. It makes it feel more like home to them. We've provided my stepchildren with beds, toys, toy boxes, bikes, posters on their walls, etc.

Don't buy, buy, buy for your children. You don't need to buy their love to prove your love. If the other parent tries to do this, there isn't anything you can do about it. Try to teach your children values - respect, love, kindness - instead of materialistic "values".

Set rules the same as you would if they lived there with you full-time. They should have the same rules as the other children living in your household. Give them certain responsibilities while they are there (clear the table, feed the dogs, clean their rooms, etc.). Children can understand that there may be two different sets of rules at each of their parent's homes if both parents weren't able to come to agreement on having similar rules and routines in the home. Don't worry that they may not love you anymore if you don't let them have their way all of the time. You will create a monster if you give in to them constantly. How is that teaching them the real meaning of love, of responsibility, of family?

Sometimes, your child's other parent may do or say something that will anger you to no end. Recognize the anger, express it if you need to (not in front of the children), correct the situation if you can but then let it go. Move on. Don't let the other parent have that much control over your emotions.

If you are remarried, recognize their needs as well. They are taking on the role of parent to children they did not give birth to and that they don't have that automatic "bond" with that most parents have for their children. They will need your support (and they will offer you support). Communicate with them. Do not leave them out of the loop. If it is going to affect their life also (which it will if you are living in the same house), they have a right to have their voice heard. Talk to them before making decisions that will also affect them. Don't assume that they should love your children. They may not. They don't have to. If love comes, that is wonderful. If it doesn't, that is fine too. There should be a mutual respect shown between stepparent and stepchild, but there doesn't have to be love. Don't allow your stepchild to run your household (and run all over their stepparent). Stand united with your spouse where it concerns the children. Do not let the children see you at odds with your spouse over something that concerns them. Children know how to find weak spots and take advantage of them. Setting one parent against the other is normal whether they are a part of the "natural" family or "blended" family. Just don't give them too many opportunities to do so. It is great to spend one on one time with your child, but don't exclude their stepparent all the time. You are now a family. It won't be the same type of "family" that your child may have been used to, but it is your family now and everybody will (hopefully) adjust to their new "blended" family if the adults adjust well to it.

Recognize the anger and hopelessness you may feel at being left out and turned into a "visitor" to your child. HOWEVER, also recognize that the people who turned you into this "visitor" (the other parent and the adversarial family court system) are hopefully the ONLY ones who see you this way.