A Child's Adjustment

There is a syndicated columnist named Tom McMahon who has a web site called KidTips. He wrote an article about minimizing the negative effects of divorce on children. The article is right in my opinion. Here is a summary:

Mr. McMahon believes that how well the ex-spouses support each other as parents, coexist and accept their ex-spouse as important to the children is one of the strongest determining factors for the child's adjustment.

He also believes having consistency between the two homes in terms of chores, discipline, rules, meals, and bedtimes is secondary in importance. He feels keeping similar family routines is best for kids.

Finally, he believes in authoritative parenting - warm and nurturing, encourage communication but set clear and appropriate rules for kids.

This is what my husband and I have been saying for almost 13 years now. In fact, we have mounds of letters to the ex asking for much of the same thing. It did no good. I guess because it was coming from us. All three of these important points weren't a consideration for one half of our equation for co-parenting all these years. How well do you think that decade went for the kids and us? I'm sure you'll only need one guess.

The article is right on I believe, but the problem is what he writes doesn't usually happen. There needs to be a lot of change in the family court system and laws to lessen the antagonism between the parties and ensure both parents are equal parents with equal responsibility. That doesn't happen when you give one parent 95% of the decision making authority (and that parent uses it to their advantage and as a weapon) and the other parent becomes nothing more than a visiting extended family member to the child instead of a parent.

For your adjustment to divorce, click here.