Happily Married

Staying happily married despite the chaos...

How do you keep your marriage strong when "outside influences" would like nothing more to see it fall apart and do their best to wreak as much havoc as possible in your life?

First, stand UNITED with your spouse/significant other against these "outside influences"! This is so important. You need to act as loving partners, respectful of each other's feelings and views, and supportive of each other. Make decisions together.

• I did a "poll" on some message boards and a major issue that can cause problems is when your significant other (the bio-parent) excludes their new spouse/significant other in discussions and decision making.
  
• A second poll asking stepmothers how much involvement they have with helping their spouse with issues that concern the ex and the kids showed that all the stepmothers had full involvement with their spouse- - - watching the children, feeding the children, bathing the children, taking the children to appointments, etc. Every stepmother in the poll indicated that they did 99% of the written communication for their husband to the courts, attorney, and ex (whether the ex liked it or not). It was a mix on verbal communication...some ex's were better able to talk to a step-parent instead of their ex for making visitation arrangements, etc. while other ex's and step-parents didn't have verbal communication with each other if they could help it.
  

Second, communicate, communicate, communicate!

Third, even though life is very busy with your own schedules, your children's schedules, your parenting time/visitation schedules, you MUST make time for BOTH of you to spend together. Yes, you're a manager, somebody's boss, somebody's father or mother, but you are also your spouse's best friend and lover. Don't forget that. Because you now have kids in the picture and an ex (whether it be a cooperative ex or hostile ex) doesn't mean the fun stops...you don't stop being friends or lovers!

Next, put your relationship with your spouse/significant other FIRST. You're relationship is the "foundation" of your family. If it falls apart, your family will to. Do you want your kids to experience another loss?

Unfortunately, remember that a bitter ex may be creating problems with the intent of trying to ruin your relationship. Don't give them the satisfaction and allow them that much control over your life. They may be the child's other parent and always will be, but that's it. They don't belong in the rest of your marriage or family.