Compromising for the Ex
>> Sunday, April 5, 2009
Comparing your home with the ex's, how often have you compromised (in terms of parenting time or anything else concerning the kids) when the ex has asked versus the ex compromising for you?
My husband and I were discussing this last night - how much he goes out of his way to keep things civil with the ex. He says it is for the kids. That's what you're supposed to do right - be civil and cooperative with your children's other parent for them? The problem is, he does all the bending while she won't bend at all. He's paid extra for things he didn't legally have to when the ex incurred unnecessary health expenses yet she shorts him his child support abatements when he has the kids for extended lengths of time. He reimburses her within the 30 day requirement for health expenses yet she takes months to pay her share of the medical insurance he has on the kids (at the time of writing, she still hasn't paid for January, February, or March and here we are into April which she now owes for). He's given up time; she's given up none. So basically, he is doing all the compromising to her demands.
When I think about how much time my husband has lost over the years to "compromise" compared to the ex - she's not given up one extra minute!! Seriously.
The definition of compromise:
- make a compromise; arrive at a compromise; "nobody will get everything he wants; we all must compromise"
- settle by concession
- a middle way between two extremes
Here's the definition of dictator:
- dictator - authoritarian: a person who behaves in a tyrannical manner
Guess the ex is more like Hitler and less like a democracy. Usually I refer to her (when talking to my husband only) as "parasitic skank" but maybe she should be referred to as Hitler.
3 comments:
It makes things very predictable, at least, to know we will give on 100% and she will give on 0%. Best interests of the kids, hell.
I'm in a similar situation. The ex is a wreck and my partner does everything for her sake with the "sake of the kid" in mind. It makes me jealous and resentful of her and the kid.
She has created a lot of chaos in our home & relationship. He has improved slowly on things, but it will probably never really change.
Smirking Cat: You're right. It is very predictable. I generally know what the outcome is going to be on things. She is nothing if not predictable. All I have to do is think the worst. Once in a long while, I might get surprised but very rarely.
The Seasons: It's not so bad for us now because we are on a long distance schedule with the kids and they're teenagers. When the kids were little and we lived two streets down and had to deal with the ex several times a week, it was nasty because we fought the ex every time she tried to get away with something (take time away, use the kids, etc.). We didn't want to let her get away with anything. She thought her nastiness would drive dh and I apart but it made us closer. Now that there is more distance and dh doesn't have to deal with the ex as much, he's just let it be to keep it easier on the kids who have to feel safe at their mom's who they live with most of the year.
If I didn't come around to agreeing with him (after my initial anger, lol), he wouldn't do it because we have to agree. He'd better want to support me, who he has to live with or else, lol. She's a piece of work. My initial reaction is still to make her follow the court order but there are only a few more years left and then it'll just be our relationship with the kids and no ex involved. He's hoping to salvage some connection with the kids so there is a chance after their mother is out of the picture when they're adults. We'll see anyway.
I've not been jealous of the kids and most definitely not his ex-girlfriend (OMG...how the heck he picked her up in the bar is beyond me....blech) but I have certainly been resentful if too much of that chaos affects my family, our time, etc. It's only human.
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