Livid, Livid, Livid

I am livid right now.  My stepdaughter wants her dad to drive nine hours to come see her play for 20 minutes, at most, in marching band this month.  He promised her he would.  He didn't talk to me about it first.  If he had, I would've shown him our budget for this month.  We pulled our house out of foreclosure a couple months ago.  If he makes this trip and spends this money, we can't make our house payment this month because his hours have been reduced.  Our four kids need winter coats.  20 minutes of clarinet is more important?  I could buy four winter coats on what he'll spend on this trip.  They get child support before all of our other bills are paid - our house payment, our own kids' needs.  We don't have this extra money right now. 

Oh yeah, we made a trip to see her in two clarinet recitals already.  It's not like dad has never seen her play before.

A nine hour drive for 20 minutes of my stepkids' time when she couldn't spend five minutes to help her sister with a school project at any time in the last month?  The same kids who couldn't spend any time with us when we were in town over the summer?  When they were sooo busy they couldn't fit dad in for parenting time most of the time in the last five years?  His almost 18-year-old daughter asks him to jump on her time, and he'll do it without regard to anybody else. 

Oh yeah, the ex would save him a seat.  Isn't that sweet of her?

I don't know, call me weird, but I thought we were married and discussed these things first.  A trip out of state and not making our house payment are kinds of things you'd talk to your spouse about first. 

Then my husband asks me, "What's wrong?"  Really? 

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In-Laws Friend the Ex

Well, there goes putting updates about our family on my mother-in-law's facebook like I usually do about her grandkids.  Hmmm...wondering about tagging pictures too now.  She and my sister-in-law recently friended the ex on Facebook. 

Oh no, just realized that on some photo albums and videos, I have the privacy settings as "friends of friends".  I am going to have to go change those now to just friends.  Otherwise, the ex has access to them now on my facebook.  Nice.

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Ex Could Give Whiplash

The ex sent us my stepdaughter's football band schedule, telling us how much it would mean for us to attend (we live four hours away).  Sure wish she'd been that open to this kind of stuff when we lived two blocks away instead of my getting assaulted while I was pregnant at my stepdaughter's function. 

When we lived two blocks away and attended functions, we got hostility.  Now that we're too far away to be any type of "threat" to whatever insecurities the ex had back then, our younger kids both have soccer and cheerleading on Saturday and Sundays throughout the fall, and it'd cost us about $500 for the family to make that trip which we don't have), she's sending invitations.  Go figure.

Boy is she going to be surprised if we decide to move back. 

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Relationship Coaching

I've been looking through a web site called Contemplation Marks for Relationship coaching information and came across this post called To Y.O.U. that I wanted to link for you guys here to read.  It reminded me of a few things my husband told me about his past relationship and thought it might strike a chord with others as well. 

Relationships can be hard.  They were really hard before I met my husband.  My husband and I rarely argue which is kind of odd because we are really different in some areas.  We tease, we laugh, and sometimes I get really annoyed with him, but we rarely argue anymore (since I disengaged mostly from dealing with his ex a few years ago, my stress level has gone down SO much).  Then again, we are totally alike in the areas that matter (marriage values, family values) so the fact that we have some differences like different music, different food, and have different tastes in movies doesn't really matter much.  Is that weird that we rarely argue? 

Even before I disengaged, we didn't fight often but when we did fight a few times a year, it was a big kaboom because I held things in until I blew.  Since putting the responsibility of dealing with his ex and issues mostly on dad a few years ago, I don't lie awake at night angry, with the inability to turn my brain off from the thoughts of something the ex said or did, how we are supposed to react to it, or which issue is going to court now. 

When my stepchildren are with us, I take care of them like my own children and will always be there for them no matter where they are at but when it comes to the long-distance dealings involving his ex, he handles and I just type for him.  I'm a happier person that way.

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Still Working Together

We are still communicating regularly with the ex over my stepdaughter.  After all these years of tension-filled communications, it is nice to actually be working together for my stepdaughter right now. 

Will it last?  I have no idea.  Will somebody say the wrong thing and tick the other person off?  Who knows.

Is it finally over for good (by "it" I mean the tension, hostility, and bad feelings between both homes)?  It sure would be nice.

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Contact from Stepdaughter

My stepdaughter texted me the other day and continued to text me for four hours!  We had a "texting" conversation for that long.  That has NEVER happened - 192 messages between us.  I said something to hubby and he said she's been texting him a lot in the past week too.  He thinks that maybe sd and her mom aren't getting along or something because this is not like sd.

We talked about future college plans, future driver's license, high school, band concerts, etc. Her initial text was talking about a video we sent of two of our kids dancing with my husband that sd says cracks her up because my giggle in the background is like squeaks. Surprise!

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Keeping Up Contact Despite Seeing Any Response

Well, I just paid to renew the domain name and privacy registration for the web site we keep for my stepkids.  Even though I'd be surprised if they have looked at it more than once in the past year, maybe twice (but not likely), we keep it updated with notes to them because:

1. We don't know if they get the emails or letters we send them because of some things the kids have said to us in the past about it.
2. There is no way that when the kids are adults that they will ever be able to say that we didn't care about them.  We aren't the ones who have interfered in the parent/child relationship, in communications, or in the sibling relationships between our kids and them.  We aren't the ones who hang up the phone when the other home calls them.  We aren't the ones ignoring birthdays and other special days unless it benefits them in some way.  We keep the web site updated just for them with little messages and pictures with timestamps on everything so they'll have a "log" (for lack of a better word) over the years.  Even if they don't get letters or told about phone calls, we have this other means of communicating (if they care to go to the web site and see it). 

I guess I'll plan on paying for this domain name for at least the next 3-1/2 years - until they are both adults.

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Husband Noticed Daughter Bailed on Birthday Wishes

My husband asked me this morning if his daughter had contacted our daughter this past Saturday for her birthday (he obviously has no expectations that his oldest son would do this because he didn't mention him in his question).  He expects this kind of thoughtlessness from his son I guess.  I told him no.  I wasn't going to bring it up with him and be the nag about his kids, but I was happy he asked.  I also didn't bring it up with our daughter because I didn't want to point out to her that her older sis (or brother) didn't bother to wish her a Happy Birthday if she hadn't realized it herself. 

He then went on to say that he hasn't heard from her in awhile either.  I told him Christmas presents were over and other than at Christmas and for a couple weeks after the times we see them, we don't hear from either one of them.  It's either they want something from us or it is "out of sight, out of mind" just like momma wanted.  No big surprise anymore.  I think even our four kids have given up on expecting acknowledgement from their two older siblings. If you don't have expectations, you can't get hurt, right?  I think when "somebody" at the ex's house hung up on my daughter on her birthday a few years ago and made her cry, that was it for our oldest.  No more expectations!

On the up side, fighting thyroid disease for 8-1/2 years and hives for the last two weeks (it's a beautiful sight, let me tell ya), I have an appointment with a new doctor on Thursday to hopefully get a handle on both.  I'm hoping a new thyroid medication will result in fast weight loss as well as better thyroid hormone lab results. Less brain fog and better memory recall would be awesome as well. Thyroid disease took the stuffing out of me the last few years. I'm hoping to get on top of it again with this new doctor who is knowledgeable about natural and bio-identical hormones. I can't wait until Thursday!  The hives are either the result of an allergic reaction or stress.  Could be either at this point.

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Skipped Sister's Birthday

Well, the stepkids didn't contact their sister yesterday for her 13th birthday.  Not even a short text. 

Amazing how a decade of being really close is so easily forgotten.  Their mother should be so proud of herself and how she's raised them...she's managed to hurt a child.  Wow!  What an accomplishment.

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Stepson's Gift Made It - Eventually! Unexpected Bonus!

What a mess.  FedEx damages my stepson's gift, order a new one and the store sends the wrong one so we order another one from a different store to make sure my stepson has it to open xmas morning and FedEx delivers it to the wrong house and loses it! I handled all the ordering, FedEx both times, the store, etc.

Why even though I didn't want to? Because my husband asked me to and with his 3rd shift schedule beating him up physically, and he doesn't ask for much, I couldn't say no. It would be hurting him, not the ex or the stepchild who doesn't thank me ever.

He did get his gift in time to open it xmas morning though!  Wow!  What a fiasco!!

Through this mess, the ex and I actually communicated (via email but it was direct communication rather than her addressing my husband through my email), joked a little and I sent her a small box of chocolate as a bit of stress reliever (chocolate is great for that!) for all the stress this put us all through. She thanked me first through my stepdaughter who was there when her mother opened the unexpected box and then via email.

Do I expect it to last? This might've been a one-time thing but the kids saw their mother and I communicating like normal people (it's never happened before) so not only did I help lighten my husband's load, it led to something totally unexpected which was good for the kids.  Perhaps it'll lighten the load of responsibility and loyalty they've struggled with.  Perhaps not. Only time will tell.

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Scoliosis for Stepdaughter?

My stepdaughter likely has scoliosis. Apparently, the ex knew this was a good possibility from x-rays taken several years ago but she never bothered to tell my husband about any of this and the fact that his child might have a curved spine until a couple weeks ago! The ex is just now looking at treatment (now that she's in a lot of pain). Why not do something a few years ago when she was still growing? She should've mentioned it to dad. Does JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY not mean anything to that woman? I don't get this AT ALL.

Was DAD not there when these children were created? Has he not paid his child support on time, every week, for all these years? Was he not there to sign the Affidavit of Parentage as FATHER (even though the ex asked him not to sign this for their son because she didn't want to share him with dad and has made him pay for the last 14+ years for acknowledging his own son). He should've gotten a paternity test first in my opinion but it's a little late now. She must still be confused about the fact that he can still love his kids and not love her. She told him once that if he didn't love her...yada yada. You know how it goes. Getting sidetracked with old complaints...

There are times I really want to say "to heck with it all" and move where we want to move, where it doesn't get bitterly cold and give my daughter and I asthma problems. We stayed as close as possible for his kids but he has no input into their lives anyway! Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I could book a cheap hotels gulf shores vacation to catch a break but we can't even afford cheap. It's been several years since we've had a vacation.

The economy is so bad right now. There is no overtime and there are rumors of paycuts. I told my husband this morning that in a couple weeks, we were going to have to start making decisions on which bills to pay and which bills to let go. Obviously, child support will be paid first. It always is. The six of us will have to suffer. My stepkids won't.

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How Long Would You Keep Ex Documentation?

How much work would it be to digitize all our files and get some secure online storage I wonder? With us busting at the seams in our house, putting the boxes of documentation from the years of "the ex" would clear up a little room. Adding all our tax documents, car stuff, medical, etc., would be a big help.

I think about it periodically but when I think about what a big job it seems like, I procrastinate. I could go through all "the ex" stuff and throw away a lot of it, but you never know when you might need something. Who is to say what the future will bring? Hopefully no more court or major fighting but who really knows? It would be my luck to throw something away and then find I need it a month later. Plus, I think I'd get angry and/or depressed all over again having to go through all those boxes and reliving how horrible the early years were.

How long would you keep documentation from your dealings with your ex?

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When Good Recordkeeping Saves Us Money

I think those of us who have been doing the dance with the ex for a good amount of time know how important it is to keep good records (telephone records, conversations, decisions, requests, visitation issues, support issues, etc.). It can make a big difference if the other party decides not to uphold their end of any negotiations. In our case, if we hadn't had good child support records, we'd have been in trouble because each year for the first five years or so, the child support agency messed up the accounting and tried to get more money out of my husband by saying he was in arrears when he wasn't. Of course, the ex wouldn't lift a finger to help, even though she knew she'd received all her child support, until after we'd fought with them for awhile. At one time, it was a whole year of auditing and there were written threats of them taking our income tax return before she agreed to write them a letter and tell them she'd received all her support. It was such a joy!

I plan on keeping great records until the kids are 18 (at least). I may even go to age 21 or so. You never know what type of stuff is going to come our way in the future or if things will be said to the kids that may need to be disproved with documentation. You just never know. We have written proof of all the times their dad requested more time with them and all the denials...all the times we tried to get my stepson help when he needed it...records from their different counselors.

I keep paper files and have a separate drive set up on my computer for back up. My husband uses online backup which I want to look into as well. What I'd LOVE to do is get rid of all the paperwork in storage...it'd be nice to have that scanned and computerized so I'd have more room in my storage room!

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Hard to Trust

A picture of my stepkids just hit my email in-box from the children's maternal grandparents' email address. After 14 years of them not saying a word to me, and for even longer than that for my husband since they didn't like him when he was seeing their daughter, why did a picture come from their email address? Is it bad of me to wonder "why"?

Isn't it a sad way to live that something that most people would think was a "nice" action, sending pictures, can't be trusted?

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Protect Your Communication With Ex

About a week ago, I wrote about the importance of keeping good records when it comes to our written communication with my husband's ex. It's always been a must with us, unfortunately. It would be nice to trust the other parent to do what they say they will and be fair in return, but we can't all live in fairyland now can we?

I have an external hard drive that backs up my computer with a touch of one button. It's awesome! I used to spend hours transferring things to 3-1/2" disks (remember those?) and then onto CD's. Now I just hit one button and I'm done ensuring that any correspondence that has occurred between the two homes is backed up for future reference.

Not only does it back up all the mess that is the ex, but I back up all my family videos and pictures at the same time so I never have to worry about my computer crashing and destroying data on me. Pictures and videos of my children are too precious to risk losing!

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Keeping Good Records

If you're like us, you realized early on that it is very important to keep good records of correspondence between you and the ex and perhaps a journal of things that don't leave their own paper trail. I have many bankers boxes in storage full of correspondence dealing with the ex from the first 11 years. (Imagine the bonfire we'll have after the kids turn 18!) We usually recycle all paper products but I can't imagine what the people at the recycle center would think if they read that!) For the past three years, rather than bombard my storage area with even more paperwork, I've kept most everything I could electronically with back ups. I see no reason to continue to kill trees to protect ourselves from the ex.

I have to ensure that I have a good computer system (and back-up) to hold everything. I started with disks but now I keep a stand alone back-up unit that backs up with the touch of a button. Love it!

I'm not too bad on the computer. I know my way around pretty well so this is easy enough for me. If I had to venture into the technical or mechanical side of computers, I'd call on somebody like orange county computer support because I'd have no clue.

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Step Stress Cause Marital Problems?

My husband and I rarely fight all year long. Don't get me wrong, he gets on my nerves sometimes with the day-to-day stuff, as I am sure I get on his as well, but in terms of actual arguments, we rarely have them. Do you know when we do?

When the ex or stepkids come into it - when inappropriate requests come from the ex or stepkids, when we're trying to work out visitation schedules and he's doing what the ex wants as she tramples all over his parental rights, or when the stepkids are here and he's being daddy-fun-time instead of dad. He's changed so much in terms of how he deals with the ex and his kids over the past 3-4 years that if it had been this way in the beginning, I wouldn't have said "I do." If we had to deal with this every other weekend, there's no way I could. Good thing we are long distance I guess.

Is it that his kids are now teens now? Is it that because he rarely sees his kids (thanks ex for the PAS), he's going to let them do/say what they want w/o rules while they're here? Is it easier to keep his ex off his back this way rather than demand his rights?

The tension mounts, something is said wrong or without thought, and BOOM! I'm fed up. I have barely talked to hubby since Saturday when the driving thing came up with my stepdaughter, who just got her driver's permit, driving my SUV (see previous posts). The way my husband said, "Are you going to be like that when they" (our kids) "start to drive too?" just irritated the heck out of me. My first thoughts after that comment: HIS KIDS ARE NOT MY KIDS, THEY TREAT HIM AND THEIR SIBLINGS LIKE CRAP SO WHY SHOULD I GO OUT OF MY WAY ANYMORE AFTER GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR OVER TEN YEARS FOR THEM, AND IT IS MY FRICKEN CAR. Yes, I'm mad.

All of it was for nothing too. Hubby's employer has requested he cancel his vacation due to the workload. So we won't be seeing the stepkids on Saturday anyway.

I'm still mad at him.

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Phone Calls are Impossible

My stepson has a cell phone and guess what? He didn't let his dad know or give him the number obviously.

Speaking of phones, my husband has tried calling his kids several times and left messages that he was calling to talk to the kids, etc. Nobody answers the phone and nobody returns calls. They're home. No excuse.

Isn't that nice of them?

What I find REALLY funny is that my husband bought his son something he wanted for his birthday to be shipped directly to his house but it was on back order. We either could have bought him something different, that he didn't want as much, or this item so we kept the order knowing it would be on back order. Since they won't pick up the phone and he's not leaving that information on the ex's answering machine, my husband hasn't been able to tell him that his birthday present is on back order. He probably thinks his father didn't buy him a birthday present. Perhaps he would think that because he didn't bother to call his dad (or text or email or write) on Father's Day. It would serve him right. I would've bought a card and put in the same amount of $$ as his age myself, but that's just evil me.

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Why Hate For So Long?

I was thinking today (I think sometimes)...wondering why an ex would WANT to have conflict for years on end with the parent of their child (or with anybody for that matter). Especially when you divorce when your children are young, that is a long time left to feel such bitterness and hatred. What is the point? Who is it supposed to hurt? The other parent? I would guarantee that it hurts the children most of all. I would imagine that it stunts the person who is living in and spewing the bitterness as well, keeps them from moving on in some way.

We had it so bad for the first half a dozen years that I had to wonder if there were life insurance quotes out on me that I didn't know about. There should have been police reports a couple of times. Since putting distance (a lot of it) between us, the daily conflict has tapered down to a trickle here and there. The less daily interaction we have with the ex, the better it is. Plus, I disengaged so it's been a lot easier not having to deal with her on a weekly basis. Gotta love that!

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Web Site for Stepkids

For about the last year or so, we've kept a web site for my stepkids. This isn't the first one but it is the one that we actually bought our own domain for (as opposed to the free ones online) and plan to keep until they are both over 18 years old. I worked on it myself to create a nice-looking web site that we update regularly for my stepkids. Keeping in contact with them is very difficult, especially having to work around their mother's feelings about it which has a negative influence on the kids which has a negative influence on their relationship ties to their father and other siblings. It's all related. We needed someplace the kids, who are Internet-savvy, could see that we are thinking about them when letters we send don't get to them or messages on answering machines go ignored.

If you would like to create a site for your stepchildren, remember the Internet Safety Rules (don't post their names, their birth dates, or their pictures publicly). Keep it generic enough that anybody online couldn't track them down (our domain is also privately registered) but THEY know it is for them.

Web sites are a must for businesses and other organizations nowadays and it's been a good way for families to keep in touch as well. You can find out more about it at web site design orange county.

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