60 Days Up - Come on letter!!

This week was the 60-day time frame the family court gave for closing my husband's child support, custody, and parenting time case (my youngest stepchild turned 18 a few couple months ago). Now, we wait for a letter from them telling hubby his legal relationship with the ex is OVER. FINISHED. ENDED.

It sure is nice not to have to ask her for a dang thing where it concerns the kids anymore.  Hubby talks directly with his kids to arrange when they come here, etc. It's also nice to have that extra money every week to put towards getting our medical bills paid.

So....come on letter...show up in the mail so we can have that bonfire with the cases of paperwork from all the court battles and correspondence between us (which was generally fighting for the first decade) that has piled up through the long years.

One thing I have learned from this - to make sure my kids will know all they need to about contraception when the time comes so they don't get stuck having to deal with somebody they don't care about for 18 years.

Advice: Don't pick up people in bars and don't have sex with somebody you wouldn't want in your life for 18+ years. Keep that zipper zipped!

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Oh, the memories...yuck!

I've been tackling a box of stuff a day in an effort to get our basement family room cleaned up so we can actually use it as a family room (it's been storage, catch all, the huge junk drawer since we moved here).  I came across an email my then teenage SD sent to one of her friends, where she states how she is joining both marching and symphonic band that meets all summer so, "that way i dont have to go to my dads." That was in 2006.  

This from a girl who used to cry and cling to us and refuse to go back with her mother.  The last time it happened, right before this email, she actually told her mother to leave and to go get me.  I wonder what happened with her mother after they left us because things sure did change after that.

Oh, the joys of old memories.  Not.

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Concert? Yes. Dad? No.

Remember about a week ago when I posted how SD had contacted her dad to come over (she hasn't been here in about two years) but it turned out she was only asked for him to spend ten plus hours in the car just so she could go to a concert down here (read it here)? She didn't come over.  However, she did get to that concert she wanted to see.  Maybe she waved from her car to her dad as she drove to the concert.  Probably not.

He also asked her if she wanted to come here for spring break (next week).  Not a word.  Guess they won't be here next week either.

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Well, crap, they (well, she) almost came over!

My husband got briefly excited last week when he received a text from his daughter asking him if he could take that night off from work and come get them in their state. I say "briefly" because it was very brief.  The "them" wasn't my stepdaughter and stepson.  It was my stepdaughter and her boyfriend.  To spend the night at our house.  With our young kids in the house.  Something she has been told isn't allowed (sleepovers with a boyfriend). To then turn around and drive them to a concert that is hours away from our house.

Ohhhhhhh, that's why you wanted to come over.  There was a concert in our state she wanted to see.  Not dad.

That's why I said briefly.

The glow died fairly quickly when she found out dad threw his back out that day and had called into work because he could barely move and was in a lot of pain. So you can't come get us?  Really?!?!

Actually, dad would have sat in a car 5-6 hours round trip to get his kids here, while in pain, if they were actually coming HERE to visit HIM. THEY weren't. Only one was, with a guest, for a concert - ONLY. But to do that and then to turn around and sit in a car for another six hours on top of it to drop them off at a concert?

No.

She didn't want to come HERE. She wanted the concert.  So, she didn't come. Had she wanted to come here to visit her father and siblings without another motive, he would have hopped into that car in pain there and back to do it.

He asked her if she wanted to come over on her spring break.

*crickets*

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More Sad Than Mad Now

Hubby and I talked this morning after a very tense last couple of weeks.  He wanted to know how long I was going to be mad at him and if we could talk. 

He told me that he is scheduled to work the weekend that includes the Friday he was supposed to drive to the kids' state to watch his daughter in marching band (nine hour driving time, 10 minutes of marching band...makes sense.  Not.)  He said he told his daughter that his work scheduled him that weekend (at his work, every other weekend is "your weekend" if there is overtime that they expect you to work.  There hasn't been hardly any overtime in over a year now...it's starting this month...what great timing eh?).  She won't forgive him if he doesn't go see her.  He said he will lose her from what she told him.

*twirls and drops to the floor*

SHE won't forgive HIM? 

I asked him if he mentioned the fact that she hasn't wanted to come here in several years?  Of course he didn't.  He said she's "just a kid" and he can't say that.

I told him she was emotionally manipulating him.  Of course she wouldn't do that!  Pfft!

Excuse me, that "kid" is 18 in two months and is old enough to know right from wrong and be told about it.  She can enlist in the military and go fight a war but she can't be reprimanded from daddy for hurtful behavior?  Boy when the real world hits her in the butt, it's going to knock her flat.

That "kid" couldn't be bothered to give her sister five minutes in a month's time this past month. 

That "kid" hung up on her sister on her sister's birthday!

That "kid" got her way in August and instead of coming here like was scheduled, got to go party with her friends - something she had done all summer long.  Then she has the nerve to throw a guilt trip on dear old dad?

He then said he doesn't want to confront his daughter because she's already on drugs (prozac).  That's an excuse by the way.  Yeah, the prozac WE are paying for, that WE don't agree with, because HER MOTHER is an emotional case and put her kid on drugs rather than look at her own behavior causing her daughter's anxiety problems. 

So now, we not only won't be able to make our house payment, we will lose a weekend's worth of rare overtime which is desperately needed.

I told hubby if he went, he was not taking our kids with him, driving all that way with no sleep in 24 hours, with our kids in the car.  He didn't undertand why but he didn't push that one too far.  Good choice.

I also told him that he wasn't going to go sit with his ex at the game like the last 15 years of hell never happened with her!  His response, "Well, I want to sit with my son."  (Meaning, he'd have to sit with his ex so he could sit with his son.)  If you drive all that way, your kid won't sit with you if you don't sit with his mommy?  He's 15!  What 15 year old is hanging out with mom at his school's football game?  Mine don't hang out with dad or me at the football games and they're younger than that!  Didn't that umbilical cord get cut over 15 years ago?  Huh? 

He said he'd cancel (for me) but no way is he laying that guilt trip on me!  No way is he using me as the excuse to cancel this trip.  Cancel it for the right reasons or live with your decision.

He also said his daughter wants nothing to do with being a part of our family.  So, why are you risking our home, losing overtime, and slicing & dicing pieces of our marriage for this then? 

Our marriage gets shredded a little bit more every time.  He said it'll be over soon (his daughter is 18 in couple months and 2-1/2 more years til his son is) and he doesn't want to see us get through these last 15 years only for me to give up on our marriage now.  I never said that.  He took that from how ticked off I have been at him.  I've still got a bit of mad on but I've got more "sad" on right now. 

If somebody had told me when the kids were young and there was so much love and family, that we would be where we are now with hardly a relationship with them at all, I would have never believed them.  I would've been wrong. 

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Text for Hubby to Come to Hotel Room to Visit Kids (ex would be there). Weird.

My husband just told me he got a text from his daughter last night, telling him they were at a hotel room (about 113 miles from where we live), where they are staying because they're going to an amusement park today and would HE like to come visit them that night (last night)?  Late at night?  It sounded like the invitation was made just to him.

Ummm...huh?  A text at night, for HIM to drive more than two hours with no notice and come to a hotel room, with the ex and the kids...a little weird.  Hubby thought it was more than a little strange. 

What I find even stranger is that they are THIS close to our home and didn't make arrangements to come this weekend after their amusement park fun today (they're heading back to their state tomorrow).  Oh wait, there's another teen club my stepdaughter would rather go to tomorrow night.  That's right.  I forgot.  Priorities.  They can squeeze dad in at 11:00 at night in a hotel room, with their mom.  Yeah, that's happening. 

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Step Stress Cause Marital Problems?

My husband and I rarely fight all year long. Don't get me wrong, he gets on my nerves sometimes with the day-to-day stuff, as I am sure I get on his as well, but in terms of actual arguments, we rarely have them. Do you know when we do?

When the ex or stepkids come into it - when inappropriate requests come from the ex or stepkids, when we're trying to work out visitation schedules and he's doing what the ex wants as she tramples all over his parental rights, or when the stepkids are here and he's being daddy-fun-time instead of dad. He's changed so much in terms of how he deals with the ex and his kids over the past 3-4 years that if it had been this way in the beginning, I wouldn't have said "I do." If we had to deal with this every other weekend, there's no way I could. Good thing we are long distance I guess.

Is it that his kids are now teens now? Is it that because he rarely sees his kids (thanks ex for the PAS), he's going to let them do/say what they want w/o rules while they're here? Is it easier to keep his ex off his back this way rather than demand his rights?

The tension mounts, something is said wrong or without thought, and BOOM! I'm fed up. I have barely talked to hubby since Saturday when the driving thing came up with my stepdaughter, who just got her driver's permit, driving my SUV (see previous posts). The way my husband said, "Are you going to be like that when they" (our kids) "start to drive too?" just irritated the heck out of me. My first thoughts after that comment: HIS KIDS ARE NOT MY KIDS, THEY TREAT HIM AND THEIR SIBLINGS LIKE CRAP SO WHY SHOULD I GO OUT OF MY WAY ANYMORE AFTER GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR OVER TEN YEARS FOR THEM, AND IT IS MY FRICKEN CAR. Yes, I'm mad.

All of it was for nothing too. Hubby's employer has requested he cancel his vacation due to the workload. So we won't be seeing the stepkids on Saturday anyway.

I'm still mad at him.

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Vacation is going to turn into a fight concerning sd

We'll be driving to the stepkids' state in a few days. We'll be on vacation visiting my family (they live in same area as ex) and then driving to my in-laws for the remainder of our vacation. We'll get the kids in there for one of the days for the day (since they couldn't find time in their busy schedule to come spend any time here at any time during the summer...supposed to be here five weeks, couldn't rearrange their busy schedules to even come one week).

While we are in their area, we'll be staying with my sister. Hubby just asked me this morning if sd's boyfriend could come to my sister's too. (You mean bring somebody else who sd will spend all her time with even though we probably won't see them until next year some time and her younger siblings want to see and spend time with her?) Oh yeah, that's what he meant. I haven't asked yet. I told dh that since my sister lost her job seven months ago when the economy tanked, we'll be bringing food and stuff because I don't want to put her out. It is six extra mouths with just us, it'll be nine with the two stepkids and a boyfriend. Yeah us.

The MAJOR annoyance was when I told hubby that sd would NOT be driving my SUV while we were there (she JUST got her learner's permit within the past week). Hubby says, "Why not, are you going to say that when "they" (our kids he was pointing to) get theirs too?" Well, gee, I don't know. Let me think here...

• If sd rear ends somebody or something, is the ex going to pay my $500 deductible? I think not.
• If the sd hits something, is the ex going to sue us if sd or ss gets hurt?
• If sd hits something and we no longer have a vehicle to continue our vacation, is that supposed to be ok?
• If sd hits something, then the insurance company says, "Hey, you have a teen driver" even though she doesn't spend more than seven nights a year at our house so when our insurance doubles or triples for a teen driver, is that going to be ok? I think not. The ex's insurance can triple. I like our insurance rates just the way they are, thank you very much.
• You mean, I'm expected to give my keys to a girl who wouldn't give us the time of day for 358 days over this past year, who has lied to us, and who couldn't pick up the phone to call her daddy on Father's Day? Yeah, right.

I'm supposed to be ok with handing the keys to my $36,000 truck to a girl who just got her permit sometime in the last week? Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor!

So, I was planning on staying at my sister's when hubby went to pick up his kids from the ex. I haven't seen the ex in four years and I wanted to keep it that way. Problem is, will hubby be able to say "no" to his daughter when she wants to drive MY truck after he picks them up? Will he even think about saying "no" even though he knows how I feel about it or will he think I'm being ridiculous and let her drive it anyway? Do I have to go to ensure he doesn't let sd drive my truck (because I can see him letting her do that and then swapping places before they get to my sister's house and I'm not sure if I am being ridiculous with that thought or if it is valid).

I'm irritated. I'm about to tell hubby I am going to stay home on "our vacation" with "our" kids and he can take "his" car on his own vacation to see "his" kids and if "his" daughter puts it in a ditch, then it is "his" problem!

I think I'm PMS'ing.

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Moving Cross Country or Stay Within Driving Distance

We used to live in Michigan but we moved a little further south for two reason:

1. Dealing with the ex and the hostilities related to that situation was too much. We didn't want our other children growing up in that environment; it wasn't fair to them. They deserved a safe and healthy home environment.
2. Dealing with some of my family was too much. Growing up in a highly dysfunctional family, I didn't want that for my kids so we thought putting distance between them and us would be good for our family.

We've lived away from the toxic situations for nine years and I know we made the right decision for our family to move away from toxic relationship and big cities. It was their best chance at a "normal" upbringing.

We had a choice to either move within driving distance of my stepkids (but outside their state) or to agree to cross country moving. We chose to stay closer to my stepkids to maintain visitation more easily. We knew the ex would make putting them on a plane extremely difficult. If she couldn't let them go for a drive two blocks away (where we used to live near her) or a couple hours away (where we lived after that), we knew she'd make an airplane trip impossible for them. The point was to make this easier on all of the children so we stayed closer.

Sometimes I wonder if we'd moved southeast, if it would have been even better in many other ways. I guess we won't know.

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Making A Home For Stepkids

Given the decrease in time the stepkids spend with us anymore, I am not sure what to do to make our home seem like more than just a place they visit. It's always been their mother's intention that this be nothing more to them than the place they leave her for, not their home. She got her way after years of doing what she does best.

How do I make our home seem more "homey" to them other than adding a bunch of furniture that would stand empty and unused a majority of the year? The kids might be coming in April (my husband is going to request the time but it doesn't mean they'll be here) and I'd like to have or do something that makes it seem like home to them as well. They have our time when they are here, but it's not enough to make it "home". What can I do that would make a home they rarely come to seem more comfortable for them, like home?

Then I wonder if it is too late. At 13 and 16, have we lost them regardless of what we do...that's what I wonder.

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Summer Visitation Plans

I asked my husband yesterday if he'd thought about which days he was going to request for summer visitation. Technically, he is supposed to get 5-6 weeks but his daughter's band schedule would be a conflict and she won't miss that (besides the fact that these two teenagers wouldn't leave their mother alone for that long...long story...maybe I'll tell you about those manipulations another time). That leaves almost four weeks, according to my stepdaughter's band teacher I talked to, where there is time available that would not conflict with her band schedule. I would bet he will ask for 1-2 weeks of that time and give up the rest to his ex so the kids aren't put in a spot (and who would put them in that spot to make them feel horrible about wanting to spend time with dad and siblings? hint: it's not their dad!) that would make them feel bad about leaving their mother. Anybody want to take that bet?

He said he is going to get the dates to "her" (he rarely calls her by her name during our conversations, lol) by this weekend. I have a hard time spitting her name out too. There are so many other names that would better fit her.

The joys of stepfamily life. I think we've just gone thru the five year mark now so we have like four years, 11 months, and 28 days until it's over. We've been at this for almost 13 years now so the next few years should just fly by right?

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I Did My Part...

...the rest isn't up to me.

I went through the calendar and got the dates for my stepdaughter's summer band activities nailed down with her instructor so hubby would know what days (weeks) his kids could be here without it interfering in my stepdaughter's summer band schedule. The alternative is the court ordered time. Either is fine with me. I don't have a preference myself, however, I know the "band" will be an issue for denial so I got the dates together as an alternative to the court ordered time to avoid that mess. Personally I think any summer time here will be an issue (not on our end) but whatever.

I gave the dates to hubby. I also gave him the insurance/provider information for my stepson's issue that requires some medical attention.

I passed it on. Where, when, and if it goes from there and the result of that isn't my problem right? It's not up to me. Not my problem. I did more than my part.

Five more years... Yes, I'm counting.

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So are they coming or not?

Well, my husband has been trying to get hold of his ex-girlfriend for the last two days and no answer and no return phone call from the phone and text cell messages yet. Nice. The kids are supposed to be picked up tomorrow morning 200 miles away and a time confirmed for pick up and nobody can get hold of the ex.

*sigh*

We had almost two years without dealing with this mess.

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