Oh, the memories...yuck!

I've been tackling a box of stuff a day in an effort to get our basement family room cleaned up so we can actually use it as a family room (it's been storage, catch all, the huge junk drawer since we moved here).  I came across an email my then teenage SD sent to one of her friends, where she states how she is joining both marching and symphonic band that meets all summer so, "that way i dont have to go to my dads." That was in 2006.  

This from a girl who used to cry and cling to us and refuse to go back with her mother.  The last time it happened, right before this email, she actually told her mother to leave and to go get me.  I wonder what happened with her mother after they left us because things sure did change after that.

Oh, the joys of old memories.  Not.

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My dog is dead but it's all about my stepdaughter.

Two days ago, we had to put my husky to sleep.  We adopted her for me from a rescue 11+ years ago.  She was my girl - my dog - and the tears just won't stop.

Prior to taking her to the vet, I posted on my facebook how she was in pain and we were taking her to the vet to see if he thought it was time to let her go.  I've actually posted about it several times over the past few months on my facebook so it's not a surprise.  When we got to the vet on Tuesday, it was time to let her go.  She passed peacefully but my husband and I left there both crying and devastated.

When we got home, I didn't want to talk to anybody.  I was practically choking on the sadness.  I posted on my facebook an RIP for her with some pictures for family so they'd know it was done.  When my kids got home from school, I was there for them.  They lived with my dog every day and it affected them. When they went to bed, the quiet in the house gave me too much time to think - the sadness was overwhelming.  My girl wasn't in her spot sleeping and it hurt. Waking up the next morning, when my mind remembered she was gone, was overwhelming.  It's been a crappy two days.   I have not been able to sit still since then.  I have to keep busy or else I think too much and I cry.  I miss my dog like crazy.

While at my 8th grade daughter's graduation this morning, I get a text from my adult stepdaughter:  "Is there a reason no one told us she died?"  (She is on my facebook so she knew...she also knew where we were at the time she was texting because she'd obviously been on my facebook.)

Because it's not something you text?  Because you NEVER answer the phone if we call in YEARS? Because she was MY dog?  Because you have seen her twice in six years and didn't much care about her those two times anyway?  Because we put it on facebook for family to see because it was too hard to talk about?  Because it's not about YOU?

I'm livid.  She was MY dog.  Why does my stepdaughter have to turn this into it being about her?  She doesn't have the right. She could care less that she's gone.  She doesn't care all that much about me either right now (remember...she took away my graduation ticket - the graduation we are driving to her state for tomorrow?!?!). She doesn't contact her younger siblings - not on birthdays, etc. She does not act like she's a part of this family.  Was I supposed to call her crying, to tell her my dog was dead, a dog she's hardly seen in years?

Who does she think she is - taking away her ticket to me for her graduation ceremony this weekend but texting me during my daughter's 8th grade graduation to complain about MY dog's death?

What would've been nice?  "Gee, stepmom's name, I'm sorry to hear your dog is dead."  You know, like everybody else said.

She also was forwarding my response text to somebody (I'm assuming her mother) because she accidentally forwarded my text response that I'd sent to her back to me.  Like I care.

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SD Ticked Off - Again. Is it the Prozac?

We can't figure out what is wrong with my sd.  She's so angry all the time anymore. The only time I hear from her is when she thinks she has to complain about something.  I asked hubby if he talked to her last night and he said they argued last night, like usual (usual since Prozac, not usual over the last 18 years).  Is it possible that Prozac has changed her from the sweet kid she was into the hostile person she is now?

We can do nothing right apparently.  She graduates in June.  She planned her graduation party in July. We can not afford two trips to their state within that short amount of time.  We are going to her graduation ceremony because that is most important.  A party in July - not so much.  A party with her mother's side of the family who hates us - definitely not so much.  We had asked her months ago if we could take her out after her ceremony to celebrate and she said no.  So yesterday, she asked me on facebook why we weren't coming to her graduation party too the next month.  I explained it to her (finances, it's not that we don't want to but financially, we can't swing two out-of-state trips so soon).

"Well, if it's such a hassle don't bother coming at all then."  (That's what she told me.)

I realize you have been warped by your mother and are now spoiled, never having to work for anything and have no concept of financial responsibilities but grow the hell up.

No, I didn't say that to her.

I told her we loved them and missed them and wanted to see them and were coming to see her graduate in June.  All I got back from that was a "yea" - yea, what?  Yea as in "ok, sorry I bitched at you because you didn't deserve it? or "yea, right, I don't believe you"?

After that, I guess she moved onto her dad to complain to him all night long while he was at work.

I'm so tired of this.  

Does anybody have any personal experience with Prozac?  Can it make a normally nice kid hostile and aggressive?

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Still Angry...Guess it's not going away

My husband told me yesterday morning that even in my sleep, I am turning away from him.  That's pretty bad that when I am out cold sleeping, my subconscious still puts distance between us.  I told him I guess that means I am really ticked off. 

He was talking to his mother again this morning about his plans this Friday and it revved my anger up all over again.  I can't imagine how I will feel on Friday when he actually leaves.  Probably kind of mental I would imagine.  I'm making plans though to take my kids out to maybe eat and shop for my teenager for her winter coat (I bought my other three kids their winter coats and my son his jeans on Saturday...the guitar money I received for selling my guitar is coming in handy).  With what's left, I am seeing dinner out or a movie with my kids this Friday.

This trip he has planned on Friday is totally stupid.  To go 30+ hours without sleep, working eight hours, driving nine hours during that time period, driving home late at night, it's suicide.  It's an accident waiting to happen. 

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13 Year Old More Mature than Almost 17 Year Old!

I have been editing videos and photos tonight from files I've taken over the last couple of weeks.  One of the videos was of my 13-year-old daughter (8th grade) marching with the high school marching band a week ago.  She had a piece of music that no other 8th grader has ever been able to play in the whole history of the band according to the band teacher.  She could so she got the part. 

Was my husband there to see our daughter play this one time a year thing, with her special part?  No, he had to work later that night so he was sleeping.  Did our daughter understand that dad had to work?  Of course she did.  (Never mind that he could've arranged his sleep schedule slightly to attend!) 

So why can't an almost 18-year-old understand that it just isn't financially feasible to spend all that money, plus lose needed work hours, to drive nine hours for about ten minutes of playing time when a 13-year-old can understand why her dad wasn't there for her? 

Why the emotional blackmail?  Oh yeah, because she can obviously get away with it.  Her mother's been a good teacher.

They get their child support no matter how many hours dad does or doesn't work.  It's the rest of our bills that suffer when dad doesn't work so it has little meaning to them.

I'm writing my angst down as much as I can so it doesn't spill over into my daily life.  With my husband's work schedule, I'm basically a single parent all week long and being a ticked off angry parent, the only one they have to deal with, isn't fair to them.  Writing it all out seems to help when the anger starts to hit.

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More Sad Than Mad Now

Hubby and I talked this morning after a very tense last couple of weeks.  He wanted to know how long I was going to be mad at him and if we could talk. 

He told me that he is scheduled to work the weekend that includes the Friday he was supposed to drive to the kids' state to watch his daughter in marching band (nine hour driving time, 10 minutes of marching band...makes sense.  Not.)  He said he told his daughter that his work scheduled him that weekend (at his work, every other weekend is "your weekend" if there is overtime that they expect you to work.  There hasn't been hardly any overtime in over a year now...it's starting this month...what great timing eh?).  She won't forgive him if he doesn't go see her.  He said he will lose her from what she told him.

*twirls and drops to the floor*

SHE won't forgive HIM? 

I asked him if he mentioned the fact that she hasn't wanted to come here in several years?  Of course he didn't.  He said she's "just a kid" and he can't say that.

I told him she was emotionally manipulating him.  Of course she wouldn't do that!  Pfft!

Excuse me, that "kid" is 18 in two months and is old enough to know right from wrong and be told about it.  She can enlist in the military and go fight a war but she can't be reprimanded from daddy for hurtful behavior?  Boy when the real world hits her in the butt, it's going to knock her flat.

That "kid" couldn't be bothered to give her sister five minutes in a month's time this past month. 

That "kid" hung up on her sister on her sister's birthday!

That "kid" got her way in August and instead of coming here like was scheduled, got to go party with her friends - something she had done all summer long.  Then she has the nerve to throw a guilt trip on dear old dad?

He then said he doesn't want to confront his daughter because she's already on drugs (prozac).  That's an excuse by the way.  Yeah, the prozac WE are paying for, that WE don't agree with, because HER MOTHER is an emotional case and put her kid on drugs rather than look at her own behavior causing her daughter's anxiety problems. 

So now, we not only won't be able to make our house payment, we will lose a weekend's worth of rare overtime which is desperately needed.

I told hubby if he went, he was not taking our kids with him, driving all that way with no sleep in 24 hours, with our kids in the car.  He didn't undertand why but he didn't push that one too far.  Good choice.

I also told him that he wasn't going to go sit with his ex at the game like the last 15 years of hell never happened with her!  His response, "Well, I want to sit with my son."  (Meaning, he'd have to sit with his ex so he could sit with his son.)  If you drive all that way, your kid won't sit with you if you don't sit with his mommy?  He's 15!  What 15 year old is hanging out with mom at his school's football game?  Mine don't hang out with dad or me at the football games and they're younger than that!  Didn't that umbilical cord get cut over 15 years ago?  Huh? 

He said he'd cancel (for me) but no way is he laying that guilt trip on me!  No way is he using me as the excuse to cancel this trip.  Cancel it for the right reasons or live with your decision.

He also said his daughter wants nothing to do with being a part of our family.  So, why are you risking our home, losing overtime, and slicing & dicing pieces of our marriage for this then? 

Our marriage gets shredded a little bit more every time.  He said it'll be over soon (his daughter is 18 in couple months and 2-1/2 more years til his son is) and he doesn't want to see us get through these last 15 years only for me to give up on our marriage now.  I never said that.  He took that from how ticked off I have been at him.  I've still got a bit of mad on but I've got more "sad" on right now. 

If somebody had told me when the kids were young and there was so much love and family, that we would be where we are now with hardly a relationship with them at all, I would have never believed them.  I would've been wrong. 

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No Help From Stepdaughter

Well, my stepdaughter didn't come thru for her sister - again (So Sick of This!).  Despite my daughter asking her a month ago, I talked to her about it a couple weeks ago, and her dad asked her a week ago.  My stepdaughter told her dad she would.  She said she'd have it here before Friday.  It's Friday.  It isn't here.

My husband just asked me this morning if his daughter had done it yet. My response was, "Uh-uh" since there's no point in actually talking to him because he doesn't hear what I'm saying anyway.  No point in elaborating on what I already told him last week - how she expects him to drive nine hours to watch her for less than 20 minutes in marching band when we have no money for a trip like that and yet she can't spend less than five minutes helping her sister on a school project.

I'll do the project myself with my daughter.  My daughter specifically wanted her older sister to do it but that doesn't appear to be a possibility.  Obviously not a priority for my stepdaughter.

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SO Sick of This!

My 13-year-old daughter asked her 17-year-old sister to help her with a school project, writing the answer to the question, "You are special because...".  It would take all of a few minutes and involved writing a few sentences about her little sister.  It is due by October and she asked her September 11th.  Plenty of notice.  My stepdaughter's response yesterday:

"I'll try, but I can't guarentee I'll have time to do it."


(That's her spelling; not mine.)
 
Seriously, you can't take five minutes, hell, two minutes to write a few sentences about your sister, who you used to be SO close to before your other parent won with the alienating tactics, when she has given you three weeks notice?  You don't even have to handwrite it; email it. 
 
I haven't told my daughter yet.  It'll hurt her feelings.  My stepdaughter and daughter used to be really close and she specifically wanted her big sister to be a part of this school project but she can't even give her two minutes of her time. 
 
I've seen my daughter in tears brought on by my stepkids' behavior.  Hanging up on her a couple times a few years ago pretty much devastated her - hanging up on her on her birthday crushed the heck out of her.  If my stepdaughter doesn't do this for her (and let's face it, it's not because she doesn't have time to do it - it's two minutes!), part of me wants to shield my daughter from the hurt and type up something and say my stepdaughter emailed it to try to avoid the hurt if my stepdaughter doesn't do it - not for my stepdaughter's sake but for my own daughter.  The other part of me thinks she'll find out what I did and hurt anyway.  When do I protect and when do I just be there when they hurt?
 
I can't believe how much things have changed - how close the kids used to be.  It disgusts  me that an adult interfered so badly that it damaged sibling relationships.  It wasn't just the bond between father/child or stepmom/stepchild that was interfered with; that alienation made its way to the siblings as well.  Due to a person's insecurities, innocent lives were so altered that they'll carry those scars with them for a long time, maybe forever. 
 
This is the result of two very different homes - one home was insecure, manipulated, and alienated and the other home wouldn't stoop to involving any of the kids in the horrid games, wouldn't talk bad about the other parent, wouldn't manipulate the kids, and did everything "right" for the kids' emotional/mental health. 
 
We did everything we were supposed to.  Look where we all are now. 

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Stepdaughter Wants to Take Her 13 Year Old Sister Out to Concert

My stepdaughter texted me last night, wanting to know if she could take her 13-year-old sister to a concert the night we come into town with friends of hers.  I think it's great that she thought about this and wants to do it and I think it'd be great for them to spend time together doing sister stuff while we are in town to see them.  However, the concert is over an hour away, with a teenaged driver I've never met, and they'd be driving home after dark.  Unfortunately, this is one request that is going to be a no.  I told my stepdaughter I'd talk to her dad about it but that I wasn't real comfortable about it and told her why.  She seemed to understand.  It's sweet she asked though.

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Ex Asked for MY Help

It turns out a lot was being hidden (see my post from last week).  On the positive, the ex asked for help with my stepdaughter - MY help specifically. 

Did you fall out of your seat?  I almost did.

She also complimented hubby by telling him he could show their daughter how a man should treat a woman with respect and love.  He about fell out of his seat when he got that text.  Everybody was plopping out of their seats around my house last week.

I was talking to my older sister and she was as shocked as I was but she said that it sounds like the ex loves her daughter more than the grudge now so she asked for help.  While I wish we'd known about all of the "issues" sooner, I'm glad she finally let us know and asked for our involvement. 

So, my stepdaughter had an unplanned road trip to our state for several days this past week and her dad and I took turns talking with her about the issues that needed to be talked about.  We also had a lot of fun with her in between the serious stuff. 

I miss her now that she's gone.  She's been texting me a lot since she left yesterday morning but sure do miss her.

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Contact with Stepdaughter's Boyfriend

I'm online window shopping for daily deals and got distracted again. (I'm easily distracted apparently.) My stepdaughter's boyfriend emailed through facebook and I got distracted.

My stepdaughter's boyfriend is on both mine and hubby's facebook pages now.  We saw some pretty pictures of my stepdaughter on his page and he's cool with our contact which is a nice change.  He also really appears to care about her so that is nice to see. 

She needs a regular healthy relationship with the opposite sex so I was hoping that was what he would be for her.  I really don't know for sure since we only met him once.

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Counteracting the Interference

The letter to my sd's therapist (or former therapist as of today) went out in the mail asking for a report from her on sd since the ex is ignoring hubby's email asking for details.  I hope this doesn't turn into a big deal. 

The ex knows hubby has legal custody and has access to all this information.  Why does he have to jump through so many dang hoops to get what any NORMAL and RESPONSIBLE parent would provide to the other parent? 

How can the ex claim to be so dang worried about sd to hubby but then leave it at that?  Does she think dad wouldn't care at all?  Not want to know what exactly is wrong?  What has her counselor recommending a psychiatrist over a regular therapist?  She feeds him little tidbits and then lets him hang there not knowing what the heck is wrong with his daughter.  It ticks me off!

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Ex and Stepdaughter Hiding Something?

Well, I did as hubby asked and contacted sd to let her know if she ever wanted to talk, she could contact me any time, that we loved her and would be there for her when she needed us.  Her response threw me!

Her responses:

What do you know? 

Can you tell me what you know?  I'm not mad.  I just want to know.  When I told her anxiety over stuff, she responded with:

That's it? 

The ex had emailed dh that she was very worried about sd and gave very limited details - anxiety, panic attacks, and obsessive/compulsive behaviors but she gave abso-fricken-lutely NO details whoatsover. 

OK...anxiety over what?  Panic attacks when?  What behavior is she exhibiting that is obsessive/compulsive?  DH emailed her back asking for details and the ex has ignored that email.  Dad has a right to this information.  Why hide it?

As long as there is a court order with shared legal custody and hubby shares responsibility for his daughter, as he should, the ex has a LEGAL obligation to let him know what the heck is going on! 

We've drafted a letter to the therapist asking for a report, however, the ex just changed the therapist to a different one/office altogether so not sure now if the first therapist will give hubby any details easily.  Dad should NOT have to chase this kind of information down.  This is his daughter's mental health! 

Usually, we get in with the doctors/therapists immediately and have our own relationship with them separate from the ex.  This time, we let her lead since she is seeing the behaviors and we aren't and thought since we all weren't cat fighting constantly anymore, she'd be more forthcoming.  BIG MISTAKE!  You can bet that there is going to be a letter sent to the new therapist right away so we maintain communication throughout instead of depending on the ex.  A letter should also be sent to the court for the court order violation.

People really don't change.

I took some nice pictures of my sd with her boyfriend while we were over that way last week with them that I was going to make photo cards of or blow up, frame, and send to her.  I know in my gut after our contact last night that she is hiding something from her dad and I.  Heck, take me out of the equation.  She is hiding something from her dad and the ex is a part of it.  Nothing about that is ok.  That kind of kills my "do something nice" mood.

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At a Loss with Stepdaughter

My stepdaughter is having some anxiety problems and according to the ex, showing some obsessive/compulsive behaviors.  She didn't give any examples though.  She also said that sd doesn't like her current therapist and wants a new one.  The ex also said she's really worried about her (but not worried enough to limit the number of honors courses she takes in high school, music lessons, etc.).  She is seriously panicked over school/grades. 

My husband mentioned today that my sd would tell me things before she'd tell her mother or him and that perhaps I could talk to her.  He is right...or was.  Five years ago, that would've been easier.  Now, I'm not sure how I'd do that if there is something sd wants to talk about from 200 miles away.  Texts, emails and letters aren't private over there so she's not going to open up under those conditions.  They learned at an early age that phone calls aren't welcome from our home.  That seems ingrained into them.  I know the ex wouldn't welcome my talking to my sd AT ALL by any means no matter what even though my sd did open up to me, did trust me, did love me, etc.  Sd showed a preference for me over her mother in a public setting, in an emotional way, several years ago.  The ex created that situation by making them feel like they had to choose between the two homes instead of just allowing them to thrive with both homes.  I doubt the ex would give that bond a chance to blossom again.  She seems to have things just the way she wants them right now...I feel bad for the kids.

My husband wants sd to come live here.  I doubt sd would leave her boyfriend at this point and the ex would never agree.  A change in environment might be exactly what she needs or it may make things worse.  Without any details, which the ex hasn't given, we don't know what behaviors she is exhibiting, what she worries about (other than her grades), etc. 

I don't know what to do to help sd. 

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Xmas Gift Lists from Stepkids Coming In & Rudely At That

This morning, my sd sent an email to both our email addresses. This is what it said:

"when do you guys want christmas lists?"

Not "hi, how ya doing, how's my brother and sisters since we haven't bothered to talk to them since July, what's new, when do you want our christmas lists?" but JUST about the gifts. A "hi" would've been nice! Don't hear from her in forever and then when her email comes in, it's about what we should buy her.

I'll bet it's not a surprise to a lot of other stepfamilies with a difficult ex and teenaged stepchildren.

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Hanging Booger

I was beginning to get a complex or think I had something embarrassing like a booger or something the last few days and was being avoided, lol. I had texted my stepdaughter twice the last few days and I didn't hear back from her. She's at band camp right now (away from her mother for the week...good for her) and she texted me back from there tonight. She's been texting my daughter throughout the day since getting on the bus to band camp. I guess she is more comfortable texting me when she's not near her mother (no surprise there given the history). I hope she has a good time (and behaves herself somewhat, lol).

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Eating Out Too Much

My teenaged stepdaughter recently decided she is a vegetarian. She emailed me to let me know and to tell me some of the things she eats (so I can have them here for her when she comes this weekend I suppose). She says she likes "a house salad." I'm not a restaurant so I don't know what this is, lol. I thought "house salad" meant whatever a particular restaurant deemed to be their house/specialty/restaurant salad. Am I wrong here? All that tells me is that she eats out obviously too much!

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