Rub It In His Face

I don't know how hubby handles his kids.  I really don't.  They ignored him on Father's Day, his birthday, Christmas.  Everything else is always more important than spending time with him. 

My sd recently posted on her facebook how she had a surprise birthday present for her mom and that she accidentally left it out for her to see.  Post that on your facebook for your father to see, knowing you ignored him on every holiday this past year?  Does she not get how much she hurts her dad?  Does she know that just rubs it in his face?  Is she that oblivious? 

Tell me that kids aren't THAT oblivious to their actions and other people's feelings?  Of course, the alternative would be she knows she is hurting him and she just doesn't care.  Neither one of those options are good!

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Pfft!

Real nice.  My stepdaughter posted a "Happy Birthday" for some guy friend on her facebook wall (not the boyfriend) but not one for her sister. 

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Stepkids Ignore Sister's Birthday Too!

My daughter turned 14 yesterday.  Poor thing spent it with the flu:(  Her older brother and sister didn't send her a birthday text, a facebook birthday message, or anything. 

I don't have any excuses for my stepkids.  There isn't an excuse for selfish, hurtful, ignorance.

I guess no message is better than the one they gave her a few years ago.  A few years ago, they called here for their dad (which in the past decade, has been the only phone call they've made here for him) and when she answered the phone, on her birthday, they hung up on her. 

Yeah, great kids.

For my stepdaughter's birthday a few weeks ago, they made her a video, singing "Happy Birthday" to her.  She ignores them in return. 

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Sold Guitar; Buying Winter Coats

I asked my husband this morning if he thought that by making this trip next week, that has caused a lot of tension in our marriage at the moment, if he thought it meant that his kids wouldn't ignore him on Father's Day next year (like they did this year).  He's missing my point.

I'm supposed to create a web site for him (he is making handmade guitar picks and wants to sell them) but I've not been in the mood to do much of anything for him lately (his laundry pile plopped unfolded on his side of the bed was his first good indication of that).  He should look up managed web hosting and see if somebody else can help him.

Oh well.  I just sold one of my guitars today (the one that is worth the most but we lost a couple hundred by selling it for what we sold it for).  I'll be able to buy the kids winter coats with the money and some jeans for my son.  Thinking that my husband might actually realize he is wasting his time and money (that is needed elsewhere) on this trip next week for an almost adult "child" who really doesn't care about him at all just isn't happening. 

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Text for Hubby to Come to Hotel Room to Visit Kids (ex would be there). Weird.

My husband just told me he got a text from his daughter last night, telling him they were at a hotel room (about 113 miles from where we live), where they are staying because they're going to an amusement park today and would HE like to come visit them that night (last night)?  Late at night?  It sounded like the invitation was made just to him.

Ummm...huh?  A text at night, for HIM to drive more than two hours with no notice and come to a hotel room, with the ex and the kids...a little weird.  Hubby thought it was more than a little strange. 

What I find even stranger is that they are THIS close to our home and didn't make arrangements to come this weekend after their amusement park fun today (they're heading back to their state tomorrow).  Oh wait, there's another teen club my stepdaughter would rather go to tomorrow night.  That's right.  I forgot.  Priorities.  They can squeeze dad in at 11:00 at night in a hotel room, with their mom.  Yeah, that's happening. 

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Stepkid Driver's License: Who Pays Insurance?

I think my stepdaughter just got her driver's license or is about to. I would hate to be the home to have to get that auto insurance quote right now. Technically, she could have received her driver's license a year ago but for whatever reason, her mother didn't get her scheduled and tested. 

She doesn't live with us so that's one bill that we don't have to deal with right now (I think). In three years, we will for our oldest daughter but for my stepkids, I believe that it falls on the custodial parent to provide insurance.  I think that is how it works anyway.  It better.  If my insurance goes up for a child who has more important things to do than spend time at dad's house, I'll be beyond ticked off.

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Husband Noticed Daughter Bailed on Birthday Wishes

My husband asked me this morning if his daughter had contacted our daughter this past Saturday for her birthday (he obviously has no expectations that his oldest son would do this because he didn't mention him in his question).  He expects this kind of thoughtlessness from his son I guess.  I told him no.  I wasn't going to bring it up with him and be the nag about his kids, but I was happy he asked.  I also didn't bring it up with our daughter because I didn't want to point out to her that her older sis (or brother) didn't bother to wish her a Happy Birthday if she hadn't realized it herself. 

He then went on to say that he hasn't heard from her in awhile either.  I told him Christmas presents were over and other than at Christmas and for a couple weeks after the times we see them, we don't hear from either one of them.  It's either they want something from us or it is "out of sight, out of mind" just like momma wanted.  No big surprise anymore.  I think even our four kids have given up on expecting acknowledgement from their two older siblings. If you don't have expectations, you can't get hurt, right?  I think when "somebody" at the ex's house hung up on my daughter on her birthday a few years ago and made her cry, that was it for our oldest.  No more expectations!

On the up side, fighting thyroid disease for 8-1/2 years and hives for the last two weeks (it's a beautiful sight, let me tell ya), I have an appointment with a new doctor on Thursday to hopefully get a handle on both.  I'm hoping a new thyroid medication will result in fast weight loss as well as better thyroid hormone lab results. Less brain fog and better memory recall would be awesome as well. Thyroid disease took the stuffing out of me the last few years. I'm hoping to get on top of it again with this new doctor who is knowledgeable about natural and bio-identical hormones. I can't wait until Thursday!  The hives are either the result of an allergic reaction or stress.  Could be either at this point.

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Won't Move Closer to the Stepkids

My kids asked me the other day if my stepkids could move to the house three doors down from us so they'd be close. The younger kids didn't understand that the ex works in another state and it would not be possible - ever. We didn't explain to them why we'd never move closer to the ex again.

We used to live two blocks from the ex but things were SO hostile, it was a huge source of stress and frustration on a daily basis. We moved after we'd had to call law enforcement over it so the thought of the ex living THAT close to us again - no thank you. Now she's just a source of stress and frustration several times a year!

We've talked about moving back closer to the kids several times. I'd have to work outside the house again instead of working from home. I'd probably also have to get a second job pursuing life insurance leads for business on top of it because the area where my stepkids live has been hit hard economically in the area my husband and I worked in. Moving closer is probably an impossibility really and certainly not worth risking our own four kids' well-being (if we want to keep a roof over their heads, which we do). Give up stability and security for hostility from the ex and indifference from the stepkids? No thank you.

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Daughter's First Dance Picture

Well, one of them anyway. I love this picture because her eyes really POP out.

I've been going back and forth as to whether I should email some of her pictures to my stepkids. In a normal family, they'd want to see some pictures and know how their sister is doing and I used to always send updates on everybody with pictures but they never respond and don't act like they care. Within the past few weeks, I emailed them both to their personal email addresses a video of their dad with two of their sisters and some pics of their baby sister and NO response from either one of them (I wonder if they get together and agree not to respond or if it just comes naturally to them).

Seeing how they haven't bothered to talk to my daughter since July, I'm leaning more towards not bothering. Seems like a big waste of time to me.

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Vacation with Stepson Cont'

After deciding we were going to take vacation anyway, I had the brilliant idea that we should take my stepson with us up north to his paternal grandparents' house since my stepdaughter was already scheduled to go to band camp. A wicked stepmom would not have done that (but the ex hates me anyway:)

First we had the visit with my side of the family and both my stepkids were there for a few hours that day. They had their first ever boat ride in a speed boat with my brother and had fun. We got my stepson to karaoke to 'Fergilicious' at my sister's and it was hilarious. My other sister had her baby that morning we were driving up so I took the girls with me to visit my new niece (my stepdaughter was the first one to raise her hand and say she wanted to go with me:) Then they went back to their mother's house (we were picking up my stepson the next morning to take him north with us for the rest of our vacation).

When we went to pick him up from his mother's house, I stayed in the car with our four-year-old in her car seat and the other kids and hubby got out of the car (they stay outside during exchange...hubby doesn't go in her house). My stepdaughter came outside too and came up to my car window to hug me in front of parasite, I mean her mother. Wonder how that went over? When they all got back into the car and we were on our way, hubby said quietly, "That was uncomfortable." He doesn't enjoy seeing her either.

Off we go on our trip. The ride up is pretty unremarkable. While there, my stepson shows us why he is overweight - that boy put away practically a whole pizza by himself! At breakfast, he ate half the package of bacon by himself. For dinner, he ate a cheeseburger, hot dog, then another cheeseburger. He used to be slim but solid muscle growing up, was on the swim team during his summer with us a few years ago and won ribbons and a trophy for it. We play volleyball and soccer in our backyard...his mother doesn't seem to do stuff like that with them. Sports never seemed to be encouraged over there so he does nothing now...and it shows. He's embarrassed even to swim without his shirt off. If he wants to eat like THAT (and a lot of teenaged boys do), he really needs to be doing a decent amount of physical activity, if not school-sponsored then some form of exercise outside of school. Too many kids today don't get enough physical activity. It's sad because he is unhappy with how he looks...ashamed of it.

It went ok while we were up north. We did a lot of joking and laughing. My stepson was laughing and said, "We sure are a raunchy family." I was glad to hear the "we" out of his mouth including him with us as a family. I was on his team during a game and we won. I betcha he didn't realize his ole stepmom had a brain. I believe I saw a look on his face that he was impressed, lol. We took him tubing for the first time. He had fun and I got it on video when he fell in.

To take my stepson home, we had to add a couple extra hours of drive time onto our long drive home so it took about eight hours to get home instead of the 5-1/2 that it usually takes. We met his mother close to where she works for the exchange in a parking lot. Yeah us. It was quick, no extra chatting or anything like that. That requires a mature, rational, emotionally healthy individual who wanted to stop 14 years of the same ole, same old...that's not her.

It seemed like the entire vacation was run, run, run and we didn't have any time to ourselves but when we got home, we had a couple days to reconnect.

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Why I Ought To...

I sent the YouTube link to my stepkids of the video of their sister singing at her audition (see post from yesterday if you want to see it too). I know my stepson has been on his computer because you can tell from his myspace profile page (it gives the date he was last one...which was today).

Do you think he commented back? Nope. Not a word. Would it be so hard for him to say "great job" to his little sister?

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Sibling to Sibling Contact

My daughter texted my stepdaughter the other day to tell her about her new boyfriend. No response from my stepdaughter.

How hard is it to write a couple words back in a text? Especially since my stepdaughter is permanently attached to that cell phone for texting all the time? It's not like she has to go out of her way to text back. She can text without even looking at the phone keypad while holding a conversation with somebody! I saw her do it.

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Did the stepkids recognize you for Mother's Day?

Well, as I expected, not a word from the stepkids for Mother's Day. My stepdaughter and I even texted briefly about shampoo (she wanted to know what kind we had when she was here for Spring Break) but not a word. I wasn't surprised.

It's a HUGE difference from when this day was acknowledged with drawings and hugs, etc. I've saved those drawings and cards. They're good memories. Boy how things change. Perhaps in the future we'll get her back (beyond the teen years).

How about you?

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When do the tears stop?

After the disappointing news from the ex that she's not willing to give up the kids one extra day for spring break (technically, my husband is entitled to those three extra overnights, in addition to the week they are already scheduled, but he is only asking for one of them), I was so angry. He is always the one compromising for her and she gives up nothing. All the ex does is take, take, take.

My husband thinks part of the reason is the stepkids wanted to spend that evening with their friends and that the ex is letting them dictate the schedule (when they have the night before to spend with friends already). It makes me question why the heck I am putting so much time into making the kids custom bags for Easter? I don't even like to iron! Why did I spend time finding them the perfect book for their interests for Easter? Why do I always pick up cards to send to them from all of us all the time when they won't even acknowledge they received them? Why am I going out of my way to really accommodate my stepdaughter's vegetarian needs with a good variety of foods, and all the extra money that it takes to do so, instead of giving her a salad if she won't eat what is served at mealtime? When do I give up?

I am so angry at his ex for being such an uncompromising, selfish you know what. My husband is always the one to give up something when it comes to his kids. She never does. NEVER in 14 years has she given up one damn thing, not one minute, yet he will and has for them repeatedly. Do you know how much it GRATES on every last nerve to allow her to get away with doing this? I'd put her in her place in a heartbeat and enjoy every second of it. DH is handling it though and he keeps the peace by caving anymore. He thinks it is how his kids want it. I know his ex likes it this way.

I went into the bathroom to cry so my kids wouldn't see me. My husband came in and we talked. I told him that I miss my stepdaughter. He said something that is more true than I want to realize - - he said I miss who she used to be, not who she is now. He said she isn't the same person. My stepson has always been his mother's son but now, my stepdaughter has changed so much to make her mother happy. It's like their dad doesn't mean anything anymore.

When do you stop trying or caring? Right now, I am thinking the $1 plastic bucket for Easter is looking better than spending a couple hours making them something else like I had planned. I don't even want to see them now. They're not little kids anymore and old enough to know better. I'm so disappointed in them and angry at their mother. A couple more years and then the legal relationship with the ex is over. I can't wait.

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Anybody else get nervous about stepkids coming over?

I went window shopping today to get ideas for things to do when my stepkids are here. Last year, we decorated easter eggs and cookies...the usual stuff. This year, I think I want to try making candy (chocolate, of course!). I was looking at all the different molds for making chocolate truffles and chocolate suckers. It looks like so much fun! I think it'd be a great joint activity to do with all the kids together. Who doesn't love chocolate? It might be nice to do a scrapbook while they are here together. Just some ideas I am kicking around.

I have a little trepidation about the upcoming visit. Nerves, I guess, wondering how it will go. Will it take all week for the kids to get comfortable and then it'll be time for them to go back to their mother's or will they settle in quickly? Will they be ok or will they show the effects of having to be alienated from us?

I am just a little nervous. Imagine how much more it will be when April actually gets here! We had so much violence and frustrations in previous years from one of my stepchildren. I am hoping it will go well but I worry that we will have a repeat and that would be really bad.

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Stepkids are coming for spring break

My stepkids are coming for Spring Break. They will be here for a week. My kids are very excited and can't wait to see their siblings.

I am already starting to think about menus since my stepdaughter is a vegetarian and the last couple of times they were here, our grocery bill went into the $400/week range! I really need to find a way to stock my kitchen for six kids (two of them teenagers) without breaking our budget. We broke it last year during their visits - broke it, stomped on it, and destroyed it.

Since they will be here for Easter, I also have to plan Easter baskets...not that they believe in the Easter Bunny anymore. My kids do though so it'll be Easter baskets for everybody!

I also have to get my husband's car fixed before then so he can make the trip to pick them up and return them. The car has been sitting in the driveway for months because we haven't been able to afford to get it fixed. He's been using mine for work and since he works an odd shift, it's worked out ok. However, I don't want to be left without a vehicle all day long when he goes to pick up his kids in case we have an emergency with one of our kids. I don't have family in this state to rely on so I really have to have a vehicle available to me. I can't just call him if he's a couple hours away if there is an emergency and I need the car. I have to figure out where to squeeze that into the budget.

Everything always comes down to money.

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Dad's Pregnant Girlfriend Shot Dead By His Son?

Police say an 11-year-old boy shot his father's live-in, eight month pregnant girlfriend once at point-blank range, killing her and her unborn child. This happened in western Pennsylvania. The boy is being charged with criminal homicide and homicide of an unborn child. The victim, Kenzie Marie Houk, was 26 years old and had a four-year-old daughter who found her mother dead in her bed on Friday.

This is just awful. So sad.

For those of us who have seen violence from a stepchild, this hits too close to home. I used to worry that one of my children were going to be permanently harmed or worse when a stepchild was becoming violent (trying to stomp on a baby's head, pounding the crap out of a sibling, "dead stares" from the stepchild, no remorse or empathy, just to name a few - we have logs of behaviors like this). When it was to the point that I was taking my block of knives off the counter and hiding them whenever my stepchildren were due to arrive and worried about going to sleep at night, it became unbearable. When I had to put baby monitors in the bedrooms of older children, it became unbearable. When my stepchild's pediatrician, who was also my children's pediatrician, warned me when I was pregnant with my last child that she feared that I was going to get hurt, it became unbearable.

Violent behavior from a stepchild is downright scary. The newspaper does not indicate whether there was other violence in the home from this child or have any reports of child abuse. I guess we will all wait for further reports to be made public. In our case, my stepchild's therapist confirmed what we already knew to be the problem (his mother).

I don't know what happened in the case of this boy murdering his father's pregnant girlfriend, but I do know what my own stepchildren went through and the damage that occurred because of it. Children don't belong in the middle of a parent's emotional warfare towards the other parent and other parent's family. It tears them apart and messes them up. If you do this to a child, then you don't know how to parent or love a child appropriately. Any parent who does this is grossly selfish and should seek professional help immediately before you irreparably harm your child.

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Kids Won't Admit to Receiving Letters and More

Well, I've asked my stepdaughter twice if she's received the letter, pictures, and card we sent her (she should have received it by this past Saturday). She ignored my question both times.

I asked her if she'd seen the web site we'd made for them (we put up pics for them of siblings, leave them holiday greetings, etc.). It's just a site so they know we are thinking about them, etc. I sent her the link to the web site twice and asked her twice. She ignores those questions too. I've checked the stats on the web site and neither stepchild has visited the web site since sending them the link either time. Now, I know for sure my stepdaughter received the link because she answered everything else in those emails BUT the questions about the letters and web site.

What is the point of ignoring answering whether they've received our letter, card, and pictures of their siblings? Seriously, what is the point?

What is the point of not even bothering to look at the web site we made for them or refusing to answer? Maybe their mother told them we might have planted a virus in it or something and they can't visit the link. I know that's the reason she won't let them hook up their digital cameras (we bought for them for 2007 xmas) to their computer to download their pictures. God forbid they might download some pics of themselves and email them to us...that would be HORRIBLE. Who the heck knows. All I know is that this type of behavior is beyond comprehension.

What does this teach the kids?

You know what I wish? I wish my husband would call his kids on it. Call them on it and put them into a position to tell the truth for once in several years. Refuse to allow them to be disrespectful.

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Stepchild's Vision Expenses

Last week, I wrote about hemorrhaging money to the ex after receiving a bill that included unnecessary expenses on it for my stepdaughter. Usually, we've paid them in the past. This time, I set it on my husband's desk and waited for him to say something about it. I wasn't too keen on putting out money right now because:

1. We don't have it. Our house payment is late this month and we have a $702 propane bill that is due in a week as well.
2. We paid extra the last time for more expensive frames, that was an unnecessary expense because our insurance does cover frames to a certain amount. The ex and my stepdaughter decided between them to go over. We didn't HAVE to pay it, but we did anyway.
3. I thought to myself: Would I have done this for one of my own children? The answer to that is no, not if we didn't have the money. Times are hard and we live on a very tight budget that leaves little room for anything extra right now. Everybody has to "make do" and that doesn't change because two of the kids live with their mother, who gets more money from us in support for two children than we spend on our own four children.
4. I am way behind in scheduling my own eye appointment, putting it off beyond when I should have because we didn't have the money. If I can't afford new glasses, that this almost blind old bat needed months ago, why would I pay unnecessary vision expenses for somebody else? I wouldn't.

Anyway, my husband asked me this morning what I thought we should do about it. I gave him the reasons above (reason #1, #2 & #4) and he was agreeable. I did compromise and told him that we would pay the necessary vision portion of it, as we should and have always done, and if we have the extra money down the road, then we would send it to the ex for the unnecessary expense. It's not like she asked my husband BEFORE she spent the extra money if it was something he'd be agreeable to and it's not like the ex or stepdaughter would be appreciative of it anyway.

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Stepfamily Stress Symptoms

Being a step-parent is a thankless job. Being a biological parent is a thankless job too but it's harder when you're a step-parent. As a parent, you have the parent-child bond between you without all the baggage that comes with the "step" situation.

With your own kids, you have some input into what you teach them and your expecations for behavior, etc. Being a step-parent, you pretty much get all the dirty deeds of parenting with little of the good stuff that goes along with parenting your own, unless you're lucky (not to mention all the negativity you might have dealing with an ex).

It can mean huge amounts of stress that to me, frankly, is really hard to deal with sometimes. The insomnia, the burning in the shoulders, the headaches, the TMJ from constantly clenching your jaw over one thing or another, the mental/emotional chaos...all stress symptoms I've had over the years. I seriously think all the stress has had something to do with the autoimmune diseases I've developed. At least I've not had problem with my feet, like Plantar Fasciitis or something, but I've pretty much shown unpleasant symptoms of this situation most everywhere else. All that stress has to take a toll on a body.

I'm in such a bad mood over my stepson right now and really need to relax before I end up with an aching jaw and headaches for the next week. I should have known better. Every time I try, I should really be prepared for the hit instead of feeling sucker-punched with his rudeness.

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