60 Days Up - Come on letter!!

This week was the 60-day time frame the family court gave for closing my husband's child support, custody, and parenting time case (my youngest stepchild turned 18 a few couple months ago). Now, we wait for a letter from them telling hubby his legal relationship with the ex is OVER. FINISHED. ENDED.

It sure is nice not to have to ask her for a dang thing where it concerns the kids anymore.  Hubby talks directly with his kids to arrange when they come here, etc. It's also nice to have that extra money every week to put towards getting our medical bills paid.

So....come on letter...show up in the mail so we can have that bonfire with the cases of paperwork from all the court battles and correspondence between us (which was generally fighting for the first decade) that has piled up through the long years.

One thing I have learned from this - to make sure my kids will know all they need to about contraception when the time comes so they don't get stuck having to deal with somebody they don't care about for 18 years.

Advice: Don't pick up people in bars and don't have sex with somebody you wouldn't want in your life for 18+ years. Keep that zipper zipped!

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Three Years Left on Court Order

Well, shoot, I just got my hopes up and I was wrong.  I was thinking it was two years left for the court order but I was figuring wrong.  It's three years left.  Boy did I jump the gun! 

I've gotten through 14+ years of stress and all that goes along with it (illnesses, anxiety, breakouts bad enough for the best acne treatment, court, and many arguments).  I can handle three more years for my youngest stepchild!  For my oldest stepchild, we just went under the one year mark. That's exciting!  I am looking forward to an "adult" relationship with the "kids" that doesn't have the ex standing in the middle of it.

Plus, the tensions between the two homes aren't as bad as they used to be so if things stay that way, the next three years should definitely be easier than the first three years.  Those were some awfully chaotic, angry years.

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How to discipline for bad grades from a teenager

The ex has been letting my stepson fail for the past three years. When I say "let" I literally mean she didn't do anything about it. He was missing too many assignments, failing tests, not doing his best on homework when he did it. This kid used to be an "A" student. We live 200 miles away so it's not like we could make him sit down and do his homework. Obviously she didn't either and she lives in the same home with him. The school even offered him tutoring at the beginning of this school year. Has he gone to tutoring all year? Nope.

She recently had a meeting with the school about his almost failing several classes (he's right on the edge). Her idea on how to get him to stop teetering on the edge of failure? Give him a reward at the end of the week if he does better. The kid isn't three years old and using a potty training chart! You have to understand that this 13-year-old boy already has an mp3 player, two electric guitars and amps, PSP, Nintendo, XBox, computer, cell phone, expensive clothes, eats out and goes to the movies regularly and basically does whatever he wants. What other "reward" can you give him? Let him goof off on myspace an additional few hours a day if he stops getting D's? Take him to two movies a week instead of one? Buy him two video games instead of just one? How about taking away some of those privileges away instead and giving them back when he brings up his grades? Hmmm...that would be too much like actually giving him CONSEQUENCES and we (she) can't do that!

My stepson loves his guitars. He's just like his dad in that way. If you took those guitars away for a couple weeks until interims came out showing he had improved his grades, I'll bet you he'd bring those grades up quickly. He's capable of it. His teachers know he is and state so in all their reports. He's just not being held accountable by his mom. It's a shame too because he has so much potential and she doesn't care enough to expect him to live up to it...or even attempt to do a little bit.

The ex won't listen to a word dad says and has to do it all her way. She thinks when we ground my stepson when he is here for inappropriate behavior that we are too strict (sending a boy to his room or taking away video games is too strict??). When did expecting your child to be responsible become too strict? Sometimes I worry about what some of these kids in society, like my stepson, are going to be like as adults.

Isn't a child's success or failure in school a custody consideration? I believe it is.

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Custody Change for School Grades?

One of the determining factors for a custody evaluation is school, right? I am just wondering because my stepson's mother isn't doing jack to get my once all "A" student stepson from walking the line between failing and passing throughout junior high. She doesn't make sure he's done his homework at night; he's not turning in homework. He's not studying for tests. We live 200 miles away or else we'd make sure he was doing this stuff ourselves, like we do for our other children, but we can't control what the ex does in her home. Why is she letting this bright kid fail? Why isn't she checking his homework at night? Why isn't she removing his privileges (cell phone, myspace, guitars) until he brings his grades up? We can't ground him from 200 miles away. It seems like she just doesn't care.

It bugs the heck out of me to see the potential this kid had turn to dust.

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What court order?

The ex is supposed to let dh know when she takes their kids on vacation away from their home. Come to find out, they (ex and dh's two kids) been on vacation since last weekend and dh wasn't told. He had no idea. It must be really nice to be above the law like that and worse yet, to know she can get away with it. After all, dad isn't important right? *sigh*

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Told Husband His Daughter is a Liar

Well, not in those words at all. I wouldn't do that. I told my husband about what his daughter said to his mother (see story here). He just shook his head and wondered aloud why she would say that...why lie?

I don't get it either. There was no reason to lie to her grandmother at the family reunion (all of hubby's family). None. Her mother wasn't there (I don't think though I wouldn't be surprised honestly) so there wasn't anybody standing over her pressuring her. Why make it seem like her dad, and the rest of us, just ignore their phone calls when in fact, they NEVER call us? Never! Why do that?

My daughter's best friend spent the night the other night. Her parents have 50/50 custody and she splits her time between both her parents' homes equally. This girl is confident and you could see how comfortable she was with the arrangement as she talked about it. There were no hesitations or anything. Her parents are doing a good thing for this girl by giving her both parents without all the conflict and bitterness.

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Mom Supports Dad's Relationship with Children

Yeah, that title is a joke in this house but the information below that it relates to may help somebody.

Today I came across this site, Dads & Daughters. I found an article that some stepfamilies can relate to so I thought I'd share it here about how the mother should support the relationship that dad and the daughter share. It is something I wish I could print up and send to my stepkids' mother! It is something I wish their mother had done 13 years ago. It is something I don't think their mother can ever do and that I'd be wasting part of a tree printing it up at all for her.

Here it is:

Live-With Mom Tips for Supporting a Daughter's Bond with her Live-Away Dad

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Stepfamily and Divorce Book Recommendations

I have my own little library of stepfamily/divorce books thanks to all the difficulties we have had over the years with this situation. Reading was my way of trying to make sense of behaviors and legalities. One of the best books I read about dealing with an uncooperative ex was Joint Custody With A Jerk: Raising A Child With An Uncooperative Ex. It gave useful information on how to handle situations and a different way to communicate rather than the antagonistic communication seen too often in these situations, but it also made me laugh many times. I kept this book on my nightstand for a long time after I finished reading it for the giggles.

Joint Custody With A Jerk

Like I said, I have a library of books that I've read...some good and some bad. I will start to list them here shortly!

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Custody

Sharing physical custody of your children takes effort and sacrifice. It takes a lot of effort to set aside bitter feelings for an ex and arrange schedules to fit everybody's needs. It takes a great amount of integrity for a person to set aside feelings of anger and bitterness at an ex to work together with that child's other parent. However, it can be done; unfortunately, many ex's haven't reached that level and many never will. Getting back at the ex is sometimes the choice before the kids. Though you may feel like you are "getting back" at the other parent by turning your child's other parent into a "visitor" by refusing to allow them to spend adequate time with your child, the children always lose in these situations.

If parents can get along and work together, according to studies I have read (check the library and Internet...information is unlimited) and people we have talked to who do share physical custody, sharing physical custody of your children is going to give them what they need the most - - access to both of their much loved parents. It is going to give them a better chance at a brighter future. It is going to keep them surrounded by the love of ALL of their family. The parents we've talked to who share physical custody say their children are happier. Children in these situations also say they are happier.

For custodial parents, put yourself into the future. Your son is now 25 years old and is the father of an adorable baby boy/girl. He is the non-custodial father who is only "allowed" to see his child (your grandchild) four overnights a month and maybe 2-3 hours on a day once a week, this is assuming that the child's mother doesn't interfere in any of this time or deny your son his time with your grandchild. How does this make you feel? If our laws don't change, OUR CHILDREN will be living the lives we are living today, struggling to make ends meet, constantly in conflict with an ex, and fighting for every last minute of time with their child with a vindictive ex and a biased family court system more intent on ensuring money keeps coming into them (and job security) rather than the best interests of your child. Do we want people who have never met our children dictating to us what we will and will not do or can and can not do for our children? Don't we want our children to grow into happy adults and to have a life better than ours? Are we being good role models for this to happen?

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