Co-Parenting with a Narcissistic Ex

The Dos and Don’ts of CoParenting with a Narcissist Ex

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In-Laws Taking Sides During Divorces

I am paging through the All You magazine looking for coupons when I come across a relationship Q & A about a daughter going through an amicable divorce and her parents hoping the son-in-law will still be a part of their lives. The parents wanted to know how they could let their son-in-law know they want him to be a part of their lives without betraying their daughter.

Betrayal. A word I think a lot of us are familiar with.

The magazine's answer -

Basically, as long as it is amicable, it isn't a betrayal of their daughter but if at some point the divorce turns ugly, "your loyalty should always be with your daughter."   Agree!!  Unless your adult, divorcing "child" is a lunatic who is harmful to the children, loyalty should be with your son/daughter.

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Pictures of the Ex's Together: Yes or No?

Should mom and dad get pictures together with the kids without the other family members (new spouses, other kids)?  Does your answer make a difference if the divorce was a year ago or 20 years ago?  Does it make a difference if they were never married?

I'm curious to what everybody thinks.

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Competition Between the Two Homes

Is there competition between the two homes?  Which side is it coming from (yours, theirs, both)?  What do you do about it? 

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Trying to adjust but anger rears its head

I asked my husband today why he was driving nine hours for 10 minutes or so of time with his almost adult daughter when he admitted "they don't care about this family at all".  He said he was doing it for himself, so he knew inside that he has done what he could to be a good father no matter what. 

For "kids" who have not given him the time of day the last couple of years and who totally ignored him this past Father's Day (and last year too if I remember correctly) - totally blew him off with no contact, "kids" who are old enough to know better, I think he's wasting his time personally (as well as money we desperately need). 

Part of me is trying to understand where he is coming from and part of me feels a bit betrayed because we agreed to discuss things together and this was definitely not a mutual decision.  I feel like he's putting them before our own family's welfare and security, and shredding marital trust, and that it won't make a darn bit of difference to his kids at all.  It's one more piece of resentment I feel adding up.

I started reading Divorce Poison today.  I've been wanting to read this book for quite awhile now but after all of this, part of me just feels numb to all the poison anymore because at this late stage when the kids are coming up on adulthood, is it really going to matter?  I feel like it's too late.

Guess I still have a bit of "mad" on.  Hearing him talk to his mother on the phone today about his upcoming visit just brought all the anger back again.  The spiteful part of me thinks that if he spends this visit next to the ex in that stadium, after the hell she's put us and all the kids through for 15+ years, he can stay up there and not bother coming home.  Yeah, guess I'm still mad.

My birthday is Saturday.  Happy Birthday to me.  Not.

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Still Livid!

I am supposed to go to the barn and ride my daughter's horse today to keep her going while my daughter can't ride right now (sprained her ankle couple weeks ago...not healing yet the way they expected it to...starting physical therapy next week on it).  I am still too angry (see Livid, Livid, Livid) and being tense and ticked off while on top of a horse isn't the safest idea.  I'll go down and do some ground work with them instead so they don't just sit around, lazy and getting fat:) 

Hubby and I still haven't worked out the problems from the other day about him driving nine hours to see his daughter play for all of 20 minutes when we have zero money for the trip right now. All the anger is just roiling there, waiting for a place to go.  Should be a good show!  Not.

I am so sick of this always being an issue.  There's sadness and regret in there too but mostly, a whole lot of anger.  When we were first married, he talked to me about things first and we made decisions together.  He dealt with the issues with his ex instead of ignoring them and letting her run things.  He didn't have a choice not to deal with them because I wasn't going to let some other woman run my home, my marriage.  It was the only reason I agreed to marry him when I did (I'd refused until I could see he wasn't going to let her run things) and we were a family with his kids, at least his daughter anyway, despite other people's interference for about ten years.  If we aren't a team, then I'm not playing, and we haven't been a team where it concerned his kids in 4-5 years.  He's let them and the ex determine everything for the last several years (and they determined "everything else" was more important than dad and their siblings) and the result has been he doesn't have a great relationship with his kids anymore and they have none with our family.  That took a dive when I disengaged and stopped ensuring the court order was followed, etc.  I left it to him to step up to the plate and he let his ex and kids take over the game.  Well, how's that working out for him now?

I'm just really, really tired.

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Extended Family Divorces

My brother and his wife are getting a divorce.  My kids are having a hard time understanding the changes that are coming. 

We have a vacation planned to our home state soon and we will be seeing my brother.  We won't be seeing my sister-in-law and the kids don't understand why.  They think we should be able to see my brother on one day and their aunt on another while we sit around outside around the outdoor fireplaces and visit.  My niece will be there for part of our vacation but then it is her mom's time so she'll miss the birthday party.  Trying to explain why cousins can't spend the whole time together wasn't fun.  It opens up insecurities and fears in them that my husband and I could divorce one day and they'll be in the same situation.  It's scary for them because they realize that it can happen to anybody.

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Clothes, Men's Sunglasses, Bicycle and Car

Children are the number one fight between divorcing or separating parents. However, a lot of people fight over their belongings during a break-up. Every item in the house, including the house, becomes the object to fight for when anger takes over. Things you rarely looked at become all-important. I'll bet many people end up paying more for their attorney to lead the fight than an object is even worth (except for sentimental pieces...that's hard to put a price on).

When my husband left the mother of his two children, he took very little: his clothes, his car, his mountain bike, some child pictures, and his sunglasses. What was she going to do with Men's Sunglasses? He started over completely. He left the house that he had legal right to over her and all its furnishings to the ex-girlfriend without looking back. He just wanted out that badly. That's a pretty good indicator of their relationship eh? It tells me he had no emotional connection to anything he had with her or anything they'd bought together (or her), that it must've been pretty bad to just leave with what you could pack up in one trip and that he wanted no ties to her at all beyond his children.

I was good with that because when I came into the picture, it meant we started completely fresh and that there weren't any mementos around the house that glared at me every time I saw it. We started fresh and everything we have, we built together and had nothing to do with the past.

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Who Keeps Pictures of their Ex?

If you're here, you're likely involved in some way in a stepfamily, most likely the stepmom since not many dads frequent a stepfamily blog that's pink! We married men that came with some baggage, some more difficult than others to deal with and we look for others who are in our situation to chat with. The baggage may be an ex, ex-in-laws, mementos, etc.

One thing that I didn't have to deal with were pictures of my husband's ex-wife (who he was married to for a short time at a young age but no kids) or his ex-girlfriend (two kids). He doesn't have any pictures at all of either one of them. Not one. Nor does he have pleasant memories of his time with them so I guess that's a good enough reason why. When he left his ex-girlfriend, he took his clothes, his bike, some kid pics, and some old toys for his daughter. He left the bank accounts, furnishings, and house (which was in his parents name) behind without a fuss. He basically started over. He wanted nothing to do with her, dividing it up with her, or anything. Guess that says something about how much, and how fast, he wanted out. He was emotionally divorced from her.

I have pictures of some of my ex-boyfriends in a photo album (not all of them but the couple that lasted for a few years or more). Hubby doesn't seem to care. I didn't keep any jewelry that had been given to me (and I'd had some nice rings and bracelets). My husband doesn't have any extra mens rings around that came from past girlfriends either.

Maybe it's a girl thing - to keep mementos and not so much a male thing to care about having pictures or anything like that.

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Divorce Best for Kids?

I hear it alot - that it'd be best for the kids to divorce so they aren't being raised in a home full of conflict. Many of us stepmoms know that while that may be the intention of some, what ends up happening is it becomes two homes with conflict between them. Very sad for the kids (and adults who can't move on).

So, is it best for the kids for their parents to stay married (this doesn't include homes where there is abuse and/or neglect)?

According to Successful Stepfamilies, it's:

"...about at least one adult who is afraid to take any further risk to rescue the marriage. More often than not, divorce is an act of selfishness, not a benevolent action for the well-being of the children." See the article here."

I think it can be both actually. My parents divorced after 27 years. I had been wishing they'd divorce after about ten years because of the massive dysfunction that was our family. Some people may be flighty or selfish but in some cases, I believe it is in the best interests of the kids.

Should people stay married for the kids?

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Did the ex and step duties affect your wedding plans?

We didn't have a big wedding. We went to the judge to be married. We didn't have a big reception. We had a few people over to my sister's after the judge married us for cake.

Why? Because we were in the middle of a court fight with my husband's ex so he could see his daughter regularly (as opposed to only when the ex could get hubby to jump through her hoops and the prize was a few hours with their daughter) and spend time with his son at all (if he didn't love her - the ex - he couldn't see his son...didn't you know that was how it worked?). We didn't have the funds for a big shindig nor did we have the time to plan it. It didn't matter in terms of our marriage - we've been married almost 14 years and are still going strong.

Yes, I would have liked the dress and the party afterward to dance all night long. Who wouldn't like a professional make up artist doing your make-up like at Newport Rhode Island wedding make-up for a little pampering? I know I would.

The statistics for divorce were against us. With 60% of second marriages failing, the odds were stacked against us. With four children and almost 14 years of marriage, I'd say we're doing OK, despite those statistics!

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Facebook Divorce

Facebook can be addicting. Hooking up with old friends, coworkers, and family can have you checking your Facebook account more times than some would like to admit to. Usually, it's all good. However, if you are Emma Brady, you logged in to find out your husband had announced he was ending the marriage. When she saw him next, he didn't even mention it according to the news report...she had to press him to get it out of him.

Most people, I would assume, don't get caught totally by surprise by divorce announcements. You generally know when there is trouble in a marriage at some level (even if you refuse to admit it). However, logging into Facebook for the information...harsh!

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Mom Supports Dad's Relationship with Children

Yeah, that title is a joke in this house but the information below that it relates to may help somebody.

Today I came across this site, Dads & Daughters. I found an article that some stepfamilies can relate to so I thought I'd share it here about how the mother should support the relationship that dad and the daughter share. It is something I wish I could print up and send to my stepkids' mother! It is something I wish their mother had done 13 years ago. It is something I don't think their mother can ever do and that I'd be wasting part of a tree printing it up at all for her.

Here it is:

Live-With Mom Tips for Supporting a Daughter's Bond with her Live-Away Dad

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Things I stumbled upon...

I am stumbling right now...looking for interesting reads. Here is what I found:

The Housewives Tarot
Mine said I was going to have time in the future to cleanse my soul. Time? Lordy I hope so!

The Great Ocean Migration
You HAVE to see these pictures! Fantastic.

Marriage Builders
My marriage is strong and happy so I didn't linger on this site, but maybe one of y'all would want to peruse it.

Divorcenet.com
*sigh* We all know the divorce rates in second families is higher than first marriages. I would guess due mainly to the stresses of an ex, blending kids, and juggling money to cover two households. I am glad my marriage made it thru the rocky period of blending and is stronger for it.

The Good Wife's Guide
I believe this was actually printed in a magazine way back when...long time ago. Thank the gods that this isn't expected today. No way could I have done this!

Now it is time to get the house in order (again). That has to be done a couple times a day with the four kids home all day long. Blog time over:)

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Men & Divorce

A lot of men and their second wives will tell you that men tend to get the unfair end of the stick in family court. Heck, even a lot of the wives who they divorced will say the same thing (which is why some divorcing parents are smartly choosing not to allow the courts to dictate their custody, visitation, and support orders into any cookie cutter standard order but are co-parenting instead). Then you have the others who will use this messed up system to get what they want and stick it to their ex.

I found this article on AskMen.com about it. As the wife of a father who has two kids in the family court system via his ex-girlfriend, I have to agree. He is hostage to the family court system for another four years and 11 months. If his ex had been more receptive from the beginning to dad's relationship with the kids, everybody, but the kids mostly, would've been better off. Kids and their relationship with their parents don't fit into any "standard" some strangers create.

*not a sponsored post.

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Stepfamily and Divorce Book Recommendations

I have my own little library of stepfamily/divorce books thanks to all the difficulties we have had over the years with this situation. Reading was my way of trying to make sense of behaviors and legalities. One of the best books I read about dealing with an uncooperative ex was Joint Custody With A Jerk: Raising A Child With An Uncooperative Ex. It gave useful information on how to handle situations and a different way to communicate rather than the antagonistic communication seen too often in these situations, but it also made me laugh many times. I kept this book on my nightstand for a long time after I finished reading it for the giggles.

Joint Custody With A Jerk

Like I said, I have a library of books that I've read...some good and some bad. I will start to list them here shortly!

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