SS Graduation Over

The graduation is over. Now we wait until the 18th birthday and then the legal relationship with the ex ends. The child support bill stops.  Halle-fricken-lujah!

As usual when we have to deal with the stepkids and their mother, the hubby and I ended our "vacation" with me ready to smack him upside the head.  Made for a long 4-1/2 hours ride home.

Started out my stepdaughter showed up at my mom's house (where hubby, our kids, and I stayed) with little gifts for their siblings and dad. Nada for stepmom. OK, petty, whatever.  If you can hand out gifts to everybody else and ignore one person in the room, good for you. Glad your momma raised you so well. I will assume hubby was oblivious to the slight or else ignoring it and hoping I didn't notice.  I don't WANT gifts...it's the slight that irritated.

I didn't get any "family" picture with me and just my kids on the beach like I wanted. They always included my stepkids.  I have no issue with having family pictures with them.  I think we should have family pictures with them. I'd just like one of just my kids too.  My stepkids aren't MY kids. This was our only vacation this year. How the hell do you tell the stepkids to step out of the picture? I couldn't do that to my husband though I should have and let hubby deal with it. I end up dealing with the crap all the time...should have passed some of it onto him. I'll have to get one in our backyard or something.

There was the graduation picture with just my stepkids, my husband and the ex together. The fake family picture the ex wants at the graduations.  I'm sure she'll want one at baptisms and weddings too.  It makes for a discussion with our younger kids because they don't understand. They never see their half-siblings and the last time they saw the ex was two years ago and before that - several years. They don't know her. My younger ones wouldn't even recognize her. It confuses them to see their dad with another woman.  That's their dad and family and she is standing there with him posing for pictures instead of them and/or me. Doesn't give me warm fuzzies either though I understand my stepkids probably want pictures of their parents - and the other side of me (the one with the little devil on my shoulder) dislikes these pictures. They've NEVER been together as a four member family unit. We dealt with this two years ago with my stepdaughter's graduation here and here. It's uncomfortable and awkward.

Hubby thanks me afterwards for putting up with all the stress of the graduation weekend but ya know what? It doesn't have to be so damn stressful and it wouldn't be if he'd change HIS behavior a bit. I'm still ticked at him and we've been home for two days.

There was more...but I'm getting irritated.

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Wow, no grad ticket AND change our vacation plans?

We made vacation arrangements to see my stepson graduate this spring. We were going to their state for a few days for his graduation and visit my family and then after the graduation ceremony, we are to drive north to visit my husband's parents (we haven't been there in three years). My SS finds out we are heading north to his paternal grandparents and asks to go with us.  I was a little surprised (figured he'd have grad parties to attend) but OK, no problem, sure.

A couple days ago, SS informs his dad that he has plans with his friends and wants us to wait a few days to head north because he wants to hang with his friends. Nobody required him to go with us; he asked to go. We are driving from OUR state to theirs, taking work vacation time, dog sitters, etc., but we should change our entire vacation now - extend it - to accommodate his hanging with friends (when he hasn't seen his dad in two years because those friends are more important than coming to dad's house)?

Yesterday, I posted about how dad wasn't even getting a ticket to see his son graduate from high school this year from the ex. We were informed of this on Easter Sunday, obviously after we made vacation arrangements with work, dog care, etc. So, now they won't give us even one ticket for dad to see his son graduate and they still have the nerve to ask us to rearrange our vacation, which we planned around that damn graduation, to suit him?

Really?

Oh.My.Gawd. The world does not revolve around one kid - whether their parents are together or not. HE asked US to go; not the other way around. Adults in the real world have responsibilities - jobs, bosses who expect them back after vacation is up, etc.  Our own kids are putting their teen lives on hold for this family vacation.  SS asked US to go, not the other way around.  I understand completely wanting to go to grad parties and stuff, which was why I was surprised he asked us to begin with.  However, don't ask to go and then turn around and ask us to change all our plans to suit him!

Of course, my husband is now trying to figure out how to accommodate his son without ticking the rest of us off.  Yeah, good luck with that.

Instead of calling his son on the fact that they aren't even giving him a ticket to see him graduate and yet he is still asking him to rearrange our vacation for his plans, DH is trying to figure out how to make it work.  It won't. I don't know how long it will take DH to figure that one out though. Probably after he ticks me off beyond reasoning.

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SS Graduating: Dad Not Getting Ticket to Go

My SS is graduating.  Dad already took off the week from work so we could travel to their state for it, found a dog sitter, made arrangements on where to stay, etc.

Well, it has happened again this year.  The school gives him eight tickets for family to attend his graduation.  Out of those eight tickets, how many do you think dad is getting?  NONE!

He was told yesterday that he would have to find his own tickets to attend. I doubt my SS knows about this since he and his dad talk almost everyday and I can't imagine he would do that to his dad at this point. I think it's the ex and my SD (they pulled stunts two years ago when SD graduated as well) doing this.

Geez, I hope she at least wished him a Happy Easter before she basically told him where to go.

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SD's Graduation Weekend

The weekend trip to my stepkids' state is over.  It had its ups and downs.

Friday: We got to my sister's on the beach (where we were staying) around dinner.  My stepdaughter unexpectedly texted her dad and said they (her, her boyfriend, and my stepson) were coming over - that was around 6 p.m.  9:00 p.m. and they still aren't there. Hubby is tired because it's been over 24 hours since he slept (he works nights and worked the night before we drove out of state) but he waits up.  They finally show up - they had gone to the beach first.  (Um, we were staying ON the beach?)  OK.  My stepson is the same.  My stepdaughter talks differently.  She wasn't mean or disrespectful or anything - her tone and mannerisms are just so different.

Saturday:  My husband picks up his son in the morning and takes him to breakfast (sd has to work).  He brings my stepson back to my sister's with him for the day.  My sd comes around dinner after work with her boyfriend.  They stay until almost midnight out on the beach with us. We had a good time with them.  No mention of anything negative or anything from sd.  Must be just for texting?

Sunday:  Graduation day.  We get texts that morning telling us they have extra tickets if we want to bring  all the siblings.  Huh?  How do you go from taking mine away from me to suddenly having so many?  They didn't say but we all went to the graduation.  The kids were bored, lol, but it was good that we went as a family.  Pictures afterward - AWKWARD!!

The ex was there with her parents and her sister - her parents HATE my husband and her sister HATES me.  We had my in-laws and the six of us including our kids.  Weird.

When somebody said to get a picture with my sd with her brother, mother and father alone, I heard the ex say to my sd, "I'll stand by your father."  My sd told her no, she'd stand in the middle between them, lol.  Too bad, ex!

One thing I didn't realize, I guess because my kids don't have the ugly history with the ex that my husband and I do, is how that picture of them taken together would affect my kids.  Our ten-year-old daughter was uncomfortable and hurt.  She didn't like seeing her dad, her two siblings, and the ex taking a picture together like a family.  They've not been together in 16+ years and it's been 16 turbulent years. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, but apparently for the kids as well.

Our oldest handled it by joking about the ex with four chins.  I guess we all handle it differently.  Sarcastic jokes, hurt, awkwardness...interesting weekend.

Those occasions - like graduation - are bound to be uncomfortable for everybody.  I'll have to remember for future events like my stepson's graduation, weddings, etc., to be more aware of helping my kids with the awkwardness of it all.  Now that they're older, they see things differently - can't hide nothing from them anymore.

I made a DVD of all the video I took for my sd's graduation and printed out all the pictures I took with them in them (including the one "family" pic of my husband, the ex, my sd, and ss) - going to be the bigger person here.  Will mail those out to my sd and ss.

So, is the relationship between my stepdaughter and her dad better?  I don't know yet.  Time will tell.  If you go by the graduation weekend, it's fine.  Her hostile texts for the months prior to that though?  No clue.

As far as the weekend, outside of the step/ex stuff, we had a good time - lots of sun, beach, and two new favorite adult beverages - trashy margaritas and cherry pomegranate/vodka drink.  Yum.

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Was 15 years meaningless? Surprisingly, no.

After being made to feel meaningless and expendable by my stepdaughter after 15+ years of loving her, to be kicked to the curb when it came to graduation (seriously, eight tickets are more than enough - or should be and when you tell your dad he gets two for dad and stepmom and then take stepmom's ticket away a week before the trip - wrong!), I thought to myself - the last 15+ years was a waste...I put myself, my heart, out there and it didn't mean anything...I took care of her like my own and it meant nothing.  Why did I bother?


The other day I told a friend of mine how it all felt meaningless after all these years of being in a parental role with my stepdaughter and this being the result and she said something that made a huge difference to me:

"You should not feel like your help in raising her is meaningless though, loving her was the right thing to do. You can be proud of yourself! It is sad that an exciting/happy time is this way because it doesn't have to be like that, which you already see, because you aren't CRAZY."

She's right.  I wouldn't have done anything different.  I COULDN'T have done anything different.  It isn't in me to treat children any different than with love and caring.  I could not have been a stepmom the last 15 years to two kids without showing them any positive emotion or taking care of them when they were in my home.  I did the right thing by them and it's on their mother and them how they behave now as an adult and almost adult.  It's on them how they treat other members of their family - their dad, me, and their four younger siblings.  

Now, this is not to say that as an adult, she's going to get my heart out front for her to puncture time and again.  What my stepdaughter did to me, and her dad especially, was terribly wrong and as of right now, it's changed the dynamics, the bond, between she and I in my eyes.  Stab me in the back once - shame on you. Stab me in the back twice - shame on me.  She's an adult now and responsible for her actions.  She's not a young child anymore who needs me to brush her hair, make her meals, and kiss her boo boos away.  I CAN be proud for providing for them when they were at dad's house and giving everything I could that they needed to be loved and taken care of since marrying my husband while they were with us despite the conflict, interference and vindictiveness of their mother over the years.  

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Stepdaughter an Adult (Legally Anyway)

If I could do back handsprings and cartwheels, I'd be bouncing all over my yard right now in happiness!!  The legal relationship with the ex, for my stepdaughter, is OVER!!!

One down and one to go.

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You can't mess with this stepmom.

My last post was a short one about what position my stepdaughter put her dad into - he was promised two tickets (for the both of us) but she texted him the other night and said he was only getting one out of eight tickets.  What a position to put your father into.

I fully expected this to happen.  Nothing we do where it concerns the ex and kids goes smoothly and the other home's actions are generally predictable in their conflict and cruelty. There's always something negative, which is sad.  With me expecting this, I planned for the worst.  I contacted her high school a couple months ago expressing a wish for several tickets.  They only hand out so many to the student and that was it.  I contacted them again a couple weeks ago to see if anybody had turned in any extra tickets.  Nobody had but they put us on a waiting list.  Three days ago, I contacted the school again to see and they didn't have any extras.  Well, that night is when my stepdaughter texted her dad to tell him she was only giving him one ticket to her graduation ceremony.

My husband told me to take his one ticket and go in his place.  He was very upset that his daughter put him in this position.  He said he was "floored" by it all.  I have been "mom" to her when she's here.  When she was going through a huge emotional crisis last year and her mother didn't know what to do with her, she sent her to ME.  When it's all said and done though, I'm expendable.  I'm easily set aside.  I'm just the stepmom.  I'm not important.

The next morning after he received that text, I contacted her school principal back again and told him what was going on and how we'd appreciate a couple extra tickets so that we could see my stepdaughter graduate together and if he could mail them directly to us so they couldn't be taken from us, it'd be great.  He responded right away that he'd mail out two tickets ASAP!

I really don't want to go at this point.  After 15+ years of being a loving stepmom to my stepdaughter, I was kicked aside like I was nothing after all of these years of loving and taking care of her.  However, I WILL go to stand by my husband for him, for us.

They tried.  They failed.

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SD Only Giving Dad One Grad Ticket

Well, it happened. SD texted her dad tonight to tell him she is only giving her dad one ticket for her graduation ceremony. What a position to put her dad in!

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I'm giddy!

By this time Friday (two days!!), my stepdaughter will have finished her last day of high school! I'm positively giddy!!

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What would you do?

I am really expecting my stepdaughter and her mother to go back on the agreement for two graduation tickets for us and just hand over one for dad - making him choose between seeing his daughter graduate or standing by his wife, stepmom to his two kids for 15+ years now.  (No, I can't get more tickets from the school - already asked!  They give a certain number to the graduating student so they're in the ex's hands now and they give enough for parents, grandparents, etc. so it has nothing to do with not having enough tickets.)

If dad is told he is only getting one ticket for himself and you were dad, what would you do?

As stepmom, what would you do?

As stepmom, what would you expect dad to do?

I don't know if my stepdaughter has the gall to do that - she's been really difficult and hostile but I don't know if she'd go that far.  She'd be drawing a line.  I guess we'll know in less than two weeks.

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Oh the Drama!

Why can't things just go on without conflict?  Seriously!

My stepdaughter's graduation is in a couple weeks.  We've been planning on going.  We wouldn't want to miss it!  My stepdaughter tells me not to bother.  I told my husband this morning that I got the feeling from that conversation that she didn't want us there.  He said that he thinks she just wants him there (never mind her four siblings or the stepmom who helped raise her and who she doesn't remember her not ever being there for her in her life).

Ouch.

I predict that if she gets the guts to do it, she'll not give us two tickets to her graduation ceremony. I  think she'll put her dad in a tough spot by only giving him one ticket, after we drive to their state, to either see her graduate without me or not allow her to manipulate him and not go. 

This is what years of manipulating and pressuring does to kids.  They get forced to choose.  They get forced to pick sides so they feel "safe" with the alienating parent.  They eventually start to believe the crap they're fed and turn on the other people in their lives who love them.

It makes me angry (at the ex mostly but at the kids sometimes too who are old enough to know better now) and I vent here where it's safe.  I never take it out on the kids or show them anything less than love but damn does it hurt.

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Stepkid Ramblings - College, Paternity, Gifts

So much for getting some distance from her suffocating mother.  My stepdaughter isn't going to room at college. She's going to drive back and forth (about an hour each way - in good traffic).  That means she doesn't need that huge flat-screen television from us anymore that she'd "requested" for her dorm room for her graduation present (along with a projector and brand new car - the other two items she asked us for...I know, pick yourself up off the floor...I had to.).  Now she has requested we buy her college books for her as her high school graduation gift.  How much are books anyway for a college that costs $65,000/year?  Any estimates?  I don't have a clue either.

So, continuing to live with the ex while in college means that, 1) sd will continue to feel like she needs prozac, 2) child support will drop a little because she'll have graduated but the relationship will remain the way it is now - difficult - because mommy dearest will be standing between her kid and her kid's father.  Ah well...that's the way it's been for all these years now...why change right?

Since when do you tell people what to get you for graduation?

I asked my husband if he wanted to make a bet with me on what his ex will get sd for graduation.  I'm 99% sure she will buy her a new car.  I was pretty sure of that before we got the news that she was going to making that haul everyday but now that she is - betcha it's a new car.  I wonder if that was dangled in front of her as a way to get her to live at home?  Hmm...  Anyway, my husband didn't take the bet.

Her mother's boss just bought sd a new laptop for her graduation present.  That was actually the gift we were planning on getting her at one point for her graduation but the ex told us SHE was buying it for her instead.

I've often wondered on the paternity of my stepson.  Wouldn't you if there was a guy that's been in the picture that buys kids and ex HUGE gifts (flat screen televisions, computers, trips to Disney, etc.)...kinda looks like my stepson (moreso than my husband)...ex didn't tell my hubby she was pregnant with my ss until she was three months along and they were living together...see the issue here?

Oh well...rattling over.  I see a long list of housekeeping that is just calling my name.

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Squeeze It In Before Graduation!!

Yesterday, we got an email from the ex to get her information on a new psychiatrist for my stepdaughter (let's keep the adult kid on Prozac so she can cope with her mother) as well as insurance information for an oral surgeon for my stepdaughter's TMJ.  Nevermind that we paid for her mouth guard for the TMJ (I've had TMJ much longer - thanks to all the teeth clenching over the stress with the ex and stepkids all these years - but we couldn't afford to get me a mouth guard). The ex didn't make sure she was wearing it so it didn't fit her teeth very long.  Wow, that was a waste.  Let's try to squeeze oral surgery in before dad doesn't have to pay for anything anymore come graduation.

We are less than two months away before my stepdaughter drops off the court order.  Woot! Woot!

If my stepdaughter gets a job this summer after graduation, somewhere, for a decent amount of hours each week, I wouldn't have a problem paying for necessary medical things that insurance didn't cover, even though she'd be a high school graduate and she has zero interest in seeing us (canceling again for spring break).  However, I refuse to pay for anything for an adult "child" that doesn't work.  Hope her mom can squeeze all these extras in before she graduates!

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Graduation Countdown: 2 Months, 7 Days

Two months and seven days!  Woot! Woot!  SD will be graduating from high school!  *me doing backflips!*

A good friend of mine made a funny comment about my stepdaughter's graduation gift wish list (she asked for a new car, a 32" flat screen television, and a movie projector - all expensive gifts and all gifts I'd never have the 'nads to ask for personally from anybody).  My friend said why don't ya just put the television and projector in the trunk of her new car?  Too funny!!

In two months and seven days, I will get to take one countdown off my blog and then it'll be counting down my stepson's graduation (two years) when we will have our own personal party - bonfire with the court orders and all the BS documented over the years, no more child support payments, and no more LEGAL ties to the ex ever again!!!  Hot damn! 

15 years just flew by.  NOT!!!!!

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32" Flat Screen TV Request from SD

My stepdaughter gave her other graduation gift wish list for her dorm room to her dad yesterday (her first one has a new car on it - - we're leaving that list for her mother:).  She wants a 32" flat screen television.  Not a 22".  Not a 26".  She specified it to be a 32".  Kids put flat screen televisions on their gift list?  I'd like one of those in my bedroom too!

She also wants a movie projector but she doesn't know WHY she wants a movie projector.  Yeah, that makes a whole helluva lot of sense.

Apparently, child support will end but the huge expectations won't.

I just can't fathom my ever putting something that on my gift request list for any reason with my parents.  We didn't get big gifts for holidays, birthdays, etc. as kids and my stepkids always have the big-ticket items on their gift list.  As an adult, we still don't get big-ticket items for whatever the occasion. It seems more like an expectation than a "wish" from my stepkids and that rubs me the wrong way.  My parents also didn't pay for my college.  I did.  I don't understand the whole "hand out" mentality at all with everything that is expected from my stepkids. 

Oh yeah, since apparently she is now dorming at the college, college goes up to $67,000 and up for her first year!  Holy Money Trees!!

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Stepdaughter Graduation Tickets

Oh, this should be interesting.  We contacted the high school to see how tickets are handled for my stepdaughter's graduation ceremony.  For an arena that seats 4,500 people, they are only giving eight tickets per graduating student.  The ex and stepson, stepdaughter's boyfriend, maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents, ex's sister and brother-in-law = nine people.  I'm curious to see how they handle these tickets and if they go directly to the ex, how she will divide them up.  Wondering if hubby will get his share of the tickets.

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Trips to the Stepkids

4-1/2 months and counting until my stepdaughter's last day of high school.  I reminded hubby last week that we needed to start saving for the trip to their state to see her graduation ceremony.  He said we also needed to go there sometime soon for one of my stepdaughter's band things.  Huh?  We can't afford two trips in so short a time and we made at trip for one of her band things already.  We.live.in.another.state.  He'll be making that trip without me and our four kids if he needs to make another trip up there for band.

Me?  Pfft!  I'm not putting out another $500-$700 ($300 dog kennel, $200 gas, $200+ food, etc.) on a second trip for two kids who ignored their dad on Father's Day, couldn't bother to even send him a card for his birthday in November, and then blew him off for Christmas.  Yeah, let me run right up to their state and pretend they didn't act like little turds!

I will go to the graduation ceremony where we will hug the kids who blow off their father year round and make meaningless talk with their mother and see the kids for a short time and then they'll blow us off the entire time we are up there, except for a hand out for the graduation gift.  The ex will probably extend a graduation party invitation to us with her family, because she'd look like a total knob otherwise, where they can stare daggers at us  (the same family who has a member that came after me twice when I was pregnant and I went into premature labor and my son was born with disabilities...yeah, sure, that sounds like fun!).  As far as the other trip, hubby can go by himself and save us all a lot of money.

Wow, can't wait!

Oh yeah, two months later and still not a word about spring break parenting time.  I wash my hands of caring about it.  Besides, my obscene stepson would just teach my kids things he shouldn't and I'd have to undo the damage he did while he was here - like mother, like son.

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Graduation Gifts For Your Graduating Child

Graduation is right around the corner. I'll bet you can't believe how fast time has flown! We have two more years yet and then we'll be feeling the same way when my stepdaughter graduates from high school. She's a good kid so I'm sure she'll be just fine as an adult, hopefully even better.

I never know what to do for graduation gifts though for friends and family who are graduating. It's easy to throw some money into an envelope but in the case of close family, I think a gift that means something should be given.

Jewelry is something that can become a keepsake for a child through college, into marriage, and perhaps passed onto a child, your grandchild. I've always wanted an ankle bracelet personally. I think ankle bracelets are very attractive. They look great whether you are casual in a pair of shorts or dressed up for a night out. If you would like to order an ankle bracelet for your grad, Lauren Klein has a great special right now of 10 percent off for Graduation coupon code grad09.

Speaking of graduation, I know there is a big "to do" over President Barack Obama speaking at Notre Dame this year. The First Lady, Michelle Obama, has been setting some fashion trends for some people, showing up on magazine covers with what she's wearing taking center stage at times. I wouldn't be surprised if the First Lady wears an ankle bracelet.

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