What happens after you expect respect

Not surprisingly, people don't like it when you stand up for yourself against their disrespectful behavior. They get angry that they no longer have you there to intimidate or use anymore. Imagine that.

My ex made a lot of promises that I knew he wouldn't keep that I didn't fall for. He'd stop drinking. He'd come home more. We'd do things together. He didn't mention the bruises he used to leave or the windshield he bashed my head into so I'm not sure if his abuse was still going to be part of the equation. You know, if he'd respected me to begin with, he should never have had to make those kinds of promises because of his past behavior. I was done. I knew I didn't deserve his treatment but I thought if I could get him to stop drinking, things would get better. I finally realized that nobody else could help him. He had to help himself and I left. A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

For some, like my husband, when he left his ex, she thought she could continue to dictate to him how things were going to be. She may have used intimidation while he was with her and he just gave in because it was easier than fighting with her around the clock when they had a child, but when she lost control over him, oh boy! When you treat a person in a way that makes them feel badly about themselves or your relationship with them, it shouldn't be a surprise when the other person gets tired of it and wants out. When they get tired of it and say, "No more!"

A person who is well-adjusted will acknowledge that their own behavior contributed to the downfall of the relationship, but if a person remarries, usually the new spouse gets the blame instead. Ex's tend to think that if their ex hadn't remarried or moved on, then they'd still be able to lead them around by the nose. It's easier to blame somebody else than take a good, hard look at yourself. Maybe some of them would be right. Some, not all. Personally, I wouldn't have married my husband if his ex had still been leading him around, using kids to do it. When he stood up to her, and set his boundaries, I finally said, "yes" to his marriage proposal. I wouldn't say "yes" a minute before then. I was at that point in my life where I was not going to tolerate any disrespect from the people I chose to have as close relationships in my life.

Of course, I was to blame when he stopped letting her have her way (according to his ex). I believe the way it was worded was something like he handed his manhood over to his current wife. I still have the letter in the reams of paper in storage we've had to keep. I could pull it out and get the exact wording but that would be wasting too much time on her words, which brought a laugh to me. My response was to tell her that if she'd known how to handle his manhood to begin with, maybe he would have been able to tolerate her a little longer. Yes, I meant the double meaning. Then I thanked her for being so amusing. (I thanked her many times in the first five years or so for providing so much amusement to us whenever she got stupid. I was taught to always say please and thank you.) Yeah, I don't put up with crap like that very well. If you are going to dish it out with me, you better be able to take some back in return.

With family members, I found that if a family member couldn't bully or direct my life, they moved onto the weaker sibling who they could do that too. It's a sick, sick dysfunction.