Not Celebrating Mother's Day with Mom

>> Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mother's Day is rolling around and young kids and adult kids all over the place are scrambling to make or buy for the perfect gift for mom.  What am I doing for my mom?

Nothing.  You reap what you sow and she sowed a lot of dysfunction.

  • Did she attend parent night when all the football players and cheerleaders were given flowers and walked onto the field with their parents?  Nope, neither of my parents showed up.  Somebody else's parents walked me out on the field (after I cried a lot).
  • Was she there during any of the other high school years?  Nope, she was too busy trying to commit suicide or pretending to for attention so she was home and dazed or away at the hospital for her own protection.  Such fond memories...
  • Where was she when my father kicked me out of the house (that he wasn't even living in at the time with my mother) when I was 17?  She was sitting on the couch making out with him while I walked my boxes out to my car.  Blech. Hurl. Yak.
  • She walked in and out of my birthing room during my firstborn's delivery, despite my not wanting her there because she thought she had every right to be there regardless of how I felt.  She made it all about her.  Funny thing though...she never remembers that child's birthday.  She doesn't remember my other kids' birthdays either so at least she doesn't treat my kids differently eh?  She doesn't play favorites between my kids...she plays favorites between her daughters' families. 
  • Did she bother to come spend ANY time with her grandchildren when we were up there in March?  She was supposed to.  She was expected to.  She never showed up.

I used to go through the motions with her with phone calls, gifts, etc. but the toxic relationship was tearing me up.  When some stuff happened a few years ago when my daughter was hurt by a family member, my mother took sides - the WRONG side.  Nobody was asking her to take sides though but she jumped to one side of the line and my family was on the other side of the line (my daughter's therapist, Protective Services, and the Sheriff's Dept. was on my side of the line as well).  Just stay neutral, be grandma but she couldn't manage that.  That was IT for me. 

What is sad (for her anyway)?  My kids have stopped noticing that their mam-maw just doesn't act like a grandmother anymore.  I guess it's a good thing my kids aren't being hurt (I think they're forgetting who she is honestly).  My four year old asked me a couple weeks ago if my mother was dead.  Even my father, who I had an extremely antagonistic relationship with for as long as I can remember, remembers my kids' birthdays and holidays.  His card is always the first one to arrive every single time.

Usually I don't give my mother much thought.  She's in another state and her drama doesn't touch me often.  With our recent trip north when she didn't show to see her grandkids, I'm a bit ticked at the moment.  One of my sisters told me recently that she thinks our mother is really sick (physically) and in denial about it.  I don't know whether she is or not but I know I can't live with the toxic on a daily basis like I used to with her.  So if she is sick, does it change anything?  Not now.  Not yet.  Not sure if it will. 

Being a mother is not about birthing a child (though there are a lot of ex's that think that eh?).  Being a mother is about how you love and nurture children, how you teach children to love and respect others and help them grow to be responsible adults.  That makes a lot of stepmoms who love and nurture children who aren't their own pretty darn good moms! 

We will celebrate Mother's Day long distance this weekend - for my mother-in-law who I am thankful for.  She loves my kids, remembers them, and doesn't play favorites.  My own mother lost out because we have some darn good kids:)


Smirking Cat May 13, 2010 at 3:13 PM  

When I see how the kids are repeatedly lied to, used, and manipulated, I have confirmation that giving birth does NOT make a mother. I wish things were different so they could stop hurting.

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