15th Anniversary Today

>> Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Despite years of conflict and spitefulness from the other side, the ex did fail on one front - she failed to get in between my husband and I despite repeated attempts.  Today we celebrate our 15th anniversary still in love and attracted to each other (woo hoo for us:).  Too bad for her.  She celebrates being alone now for 16+ years with not one date in all of that time ("ugly is as ugly does" applies here).  Yeah, too bad for her again. 

She might think she "won" because she succeeded in alienating the kids from their dad but when you emotionally and mentally manipulate your children and cut off the one loving and emotionally healthy half of who they are and where they came from, and allow your children to grow into emotional handicaps who can't function in society without drugs or very inappropriate conduct, you're not winning a thing.  That just makes you sick and pathetic. 

Happy 15th Anniversary To Us!  My stepdaughter turns 18 this week and the countdown is on to her graduation and my stepson will follow in two years and then we will truly be free of the legal ties to the ex.  Lots to celebrate!! 


Gloria Lintermans December 29, 2010 at 12:42 PM  

Respect between stepchildren and stepparents, or the lack of, is a hotly problematic topic in step and blended families. Usually addressed from a stepparent's point of view, viewing this problem via the stepchild's perspective can be helpful and will help grow stepparent-stepchild respect and trust over time.

Consider the following memos from and about your stepchild:

Set clear limits for me. I know very well I shouldn’t have all that I ask for. I’m only testing you, which is part of my job. I need a parent, not just a pal.

Be firm with me. I prefer it though I won’t say so. It lets me know where I stand.

Lead me rather than force me. If you force me, I learn that power is what really counts. I’ll respond much better to being guided.

Be consistent. If you’re not, it confuses me and makes me try harder to get away with everything I can.

Make promises that you can keep, and keep the promises you make. That grows my trust in you and my willingness to cooperate.

Know that I’m just being provocative when I say and do things to upset you. If you fall for my provocations, I’ll try for more such excitement and victories.

Say calm when I say “I hate you.” I don’t really mean it. I just want you to feel upset and sorry for what I feel you’ve done to me.

Help me feel big rather than small. When I feel little, I need to act like a “big shot” or a whiney cripple.

Let me do the things I can do for myself. Your doing them for me makes me feel like a baby, and I may keep putting you in my service.

Correct me in private. I can hear you better if you talk quietly with me alone, rather than with other people present. Talk about my behavior when our conflict has calmed down. In the heat of battle somehow my listening gets bad and my cooperation is even worse. It’s okay for you to take the actions needed, but let’s not talk about it until we all calm down.

Talk with me rather than preach at me. You’d be surprised how well I know what’s right and wrong. I need to have my feelings and ideas respected, just like you do—so please listen to them.

Tell me of your anger at my actions without name-calling. If you call me “stupid” or “jerk” or “clumsy” too often I’ll start to believe that. Help me learn how to handle anger without harming.

Help me feel that my mistakes are not sins.I need to learn from my errors, without feeling that I’m no good.

Talk firmly without nagging. If you nag over and over, I’ll protect myself by growing deaf.
Let my wrong behavior go without demanding big explanations. Often, I really don’t know why I did it.

Accept as much as you can of what I’m able to tell you. I’m easily scared into lying if my honesty is taxed too much.

When you teach me things, please keep it simple. If you use big words or get into long confusing explanations, my mind goes somewhere else.

Enjoy me! I have a lot to offer you!

Typical kids of divorce and remarriage also need to replace toxic ways of self-soothing (e.g., addictions, reality distortions, and avoidance) with holistically healthy habits and healthy sources of comfort and reassurance, and need to strengthen their ability to form real, versus faked, attachments to healthy people, ideas, and goals.

All children need to believe, without ambivalence, that their lives have intrinsic worth, promise, and real meaning, rather than feeling old pessimism, worthlessness, and inner emptiness.

Gloria Lintermans, Author: THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect (Llumina Press)

For more intormation: http://glorialintermans.com/stepfamilies.htm


Anonymous December 29, 2010 at 4:15 PM  

I have similar feelings to yours. My husband's ex has completely alienated his two kids (now 15 and 10) from him, and meanwhile we pay and pay and pay as she demands more and more and more....and they are unaware of all that we sacrifice in the name of divorce "justice" for her and them. I've had enough. My children and my husband are not "secondary" to that justice. What fairness and justice is there for the fathers of women like these? None. Survival and protection of your own family are what you have to do if you love your primary family enough to do it. We don't let "crazy" in the door here voluntarily, no matter who it is. Be strong, and love the ones around you, who love you back every day and live with your strengths and your weaknesses every day. The rest is psycho babble by people who are not living what you are living. Only you can take care of your family, and only you will!

Anonymous December 29, 2010 at 5:20 PM  

By the way, I should have said, I am a child of divorced parents who remarried others when I was about 8. All four of my parents are loving people who do not disparage or alienate and who did not "use" each other for ridiculous amounts of money when raising me. I was lucky. I am also a divorced mom, remarried. Kids and stepkids and all the rest. Have just about seen it all, and know when my husband is being taken advantage of by the courts, the lawyers, the ex-wife, and his out of state kids. The relationship with stepkids won't improve when the ex doesn't want it to and actively prevents it. Not all exes do this, and I work hard not to do that to my own ex, but those that do are toxic and typically the courts look the other way. What's good about that for you? You get to choose to be better, to raise better kids, and to be focused on the love around you vice the anger and jealousy she sends your way. Sounds like you are choosing. Good for you! I am cheering you on. From my own protected and loved primary family to yours, Happy New Year! (and Happy Anniversary too)

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