Don't You Hate It When...

This was a very popular part of my former stepfamily web site. Readers enjoyed including their own personal "don't you hate it whens...." to the web site. You can add your own by commenting! If I get enough of them, I will make another post and include them in their own post.


Don't You Hate It When...

• The other parent ASSUMES they know what goes on in your household?



• The other parent tries to run your household?



• The other parent tries to DEMAND things from you that they have no right to anymore?



• The ex-signifcant other lies to the kids about you.



• The bio-parent of the same sex thinks you are trying to replace them. Why would she think that and what makes her think I'd want her kids (brats)?



• You pay your support in full and on time consistently yet still receive support arrearage notices because support enforcement departments can't keep their records accurate and custodial parents won't lift a finger to help fix the problem when they can do it easily. (This is a common problem...believe me!!!)



• You become a "wallet" to your children's mother...good enough to provide financial support but not good enough to be a positive influence in your child's life emotionally, mentally, and physically.



• You are the one who struggles and sacrifices to better yourself in your job and the ex is the only one that benefits when she gets support raised because you've worked and sacrificed for a better position? Be real...how much does it cost to raise a child? BOTH parents need to be equally financially responsible for their child. Any support that goes above the "half" of the non-custodial parent's responsibility is nothing more than spousal support for the custodial adult and not the child. As a woman, I would have more pride in myself and my abilities to take care of myself rather than mooching off an ex. Where are these women's pride and dignity?



• You have to see your ex several times a month and act nice to them even though you can't stand them?
  


• Your ex acts so pathetic when you are there to pick up the kids? I'm not there to see her, or play games with HER, I'm there for my kids and MY KIDS only! Does she really think I'd ever have feelings for her again after what she's put me and my kids through?
  I hate it that my ex acted fine until the time I fell in love. After that, it was all hell breaking loose with her trying to cause trouble and blaming my new love for everything...even the end of our own relationship that had nothing to do with my new love!



• Both homes have two entirely different discipline policies? My children's custodial parent doesn't know the meaning of the word "discipline".
  


• The ex feels threatened by a step-parent? My ex feels threatened by my wife and her relationship with the kids. Ex thinks that stepmom is trying to take her place with the kids. My wife loves my kids, but she doesn't WANT my kids for herself. She likes it when they go back to their mother's house. If the ex would get over herself and her own bitterness, perhaps she'd see things more clearly, she'd quit acting like a spoiled child and try to get along. If she did, she'd be surprised at how wrong she's been all these years.



• I just hate my husband's ex period...she is a controlling, bitter, frigid witch who has nothing better to do in her life than be vindictive. She has no life at all! My husband, who is a very nice, fair person calls her "psycho". (I think that speaks clearly on how he feels about her character and actions).



• As a new step-parent you are expected to know all of the "rules", yet no one can actually tell you what they are?
  


• The ex-wife says to you ( the new wife) "if it wasn't for you, me and my ex would still be friends (together, happy, etc.) even when you had nothing to do with their divorce?



• Ex- wife says "my son/daughter doesn't need anything from you" to new wife.



• Don't you hate it when the ex uses your child support payments to buy new expensive things for herself and drops the kids off at your home wearing clothes that are 2 sizes to small, wearing boots that belong to their mother and when you ask them if there getting new clothes for the winter they respond with, "well mom said you aren't paying your support so we have to go without", even though your child support comes off of your paycheque automatically.
  

Would you like to add your thoughts here????
If you'd like to add to this, please feel free to add your comments.

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Step-Parenting

Are you a step-parent ("bonus" parent)?

Do you find yourself taking on a lot of the responsibility that biological parents take on with little acknowledgement? Do you find yourself wiping snotty noses, sitting up with a sick child, cleaning up vomit, trying to get grass stains out of pants, helping to provide financially for a stepchild, giving hugs, fixing boo-boo's, wiping tears, fixing lunches, jumping up in the middle of the night if your stepchild cries out from a bad dream or to kill that spider on the ceiling, transporting your stepchild around town, etc? Do you find your weekends taken up by messy art projects, walks around the neighborhood with children, trips to parks (zoos, etc.)? Are your vacations planned around and spent with your stepchildren? Boy, that sounds like something a parent does, doesn't it?

Being a stepparent can be difficult. You have much of the same responsibilities of a parent, but not the acknowledgement of being one by many people or the recognition by the family court system. I am one of the lucky ones. I have a supportive husband who treats me as an equal parent with him. I am acknowledged for my parenting skills by my husband. We each bring different but necessary qualities to our parenting roles with ALL of our children.

Even though you may not get the acknowledgement from that child's other parent, remember that it doesn't change anything within your family home. Forming a relationship with a child who you did not give birth to takes much more effort than what a "natural" parent must put forth, but when that love is offered to you from your stepchild, it gives it a special meaning for that same reason. Acknowledgement from the same sex other parent isn't important. It doesn't have any impact on my relationship with my stepchildren and that is more important to me. My life with my stepchildren doesn't revolve around what the other same gender parent thinks of me.

I've sometimes been the "parent" my stepdaughter has come to with something she didn't feel comfortable talking to her biological parents about. (I know this because she tells me she doesn't want to talk to her mother about it.) When my stepdaughter presents questions to me (where do babies come from, why can't we all live together, why don't I have a stepfather, why can't I stay here forever, why, why, why, etc.), this indicates to me that my stepdaughter loves and trusts me.

Communicate with your spouse about the children. Be open and honest about any concerns or problems you may have. My husband has always listened to my concerns. He respects me, my feelings, and our family time. If something affects me and our family (financially, parenting time, etc.), he discusses it with me first, invites my input, and we come to an agreement together. (After all, my husband may not know what family plans have been made for a weekend that might be switched, what holiday plans are made, the state of our budget, etc.) There are times when your spouse might slip and make a mistake that makes you feel slighted, but if you talk to him about it, the willingness to listen to you is very important. The other parent may resent your input but don't let it bother you. How you choose to relate to your spouse and your family within your own home is your business...not the ex-wife/husband or ex-girlfriend/boyfriend or anybody else's.

Present a united front to the children. This is very important so the children do not play one against the other. If you and your spouse disagree on a topic, do not discuss it in front of the children. Tell the children you will need to discuss it and that you will let them know later. Also, check with your significant other if you are asked something from your stepchild that you are unsure you should agree to (and vice versa). My stepchildren have tried a few times to ask me something that I refuse and then go to their father and ask him for the same thing! When this happens, correct the situation immediately. My husband always supports a decision I have made if the children try to come to him after already being told "no" by me and vice versa. Biological children do the same thing. It isn't a "step" situation only.

If your stepchild comes to you about a problem with their other parent (mother or father), encourage them to discuss it with that other parent themselves. Perhaps you could offer suggestions to them on how to broach the subject, but try not to step in and do it for them (unless the child is being harmed or could be harmed). The child will probably have better luck resolving the issue with the other parent themselves rather than you stepping in and creating a situation where the other parent rejects the input/problem just because YOU broached the subject (does he/she say "black" when you say "white"?).

Don't talk negatively about your stepchild's other parent no matter how tempting! Keep negative comments about an ex-significant other between your spouse and yourself. It will hurt the children to hear negative comments about their other parent (even if it is true). My husband and I have had to do "damage control" in the past for things they have overheard from others outside of our home. Don't put your children in this situation. It isn't their problem that the adults can't get along; don't make it their problem.

View your stepchild as an individual. It may be hard at times to look at them and see their other parent staring back at you. Learn to separate the child from their other parent. This may be hard to do in the beginning but you can do it! Look for the qualities in your stepchild that came from your significant other. He/she does have half the genes of that person.

Support your stepchild's relationship with his/her other parent. When my stepchildren were younger, I would buy them craft supplies and sit with them and help them make their mother things (cards, art, etc.) for birthdays and holidays. We are creating our own memories together that they will hopefully remember when they are adults. She doesn't do anything like this for me but that doesn't matter. Who will have the children's respect when they are old enough to understand that despite everything, their dad and stepmom still didn't act hateful?

This is OUR family, just as you have YOUR OWN family. People can only do what you allow them to do to you. Don't allow them that much control over you or your household.

Though this may be a hard one but turn your anger into compassion for a hated ex. I don't mean to have compassion because they continue to TRY to make your life miserable. I mean to have compassion for whatever it is inside of them that they can't get over or move on with and that they can't find the happiness that you have found, obviously, or else they wouldn't be trying to make your life miserable (and not succeeding!). That makes them kind of pathetic doesn't it? Somebody to feel pity for! Don't waste your time on anger though I know how hard that can be sometimes (from personal experience).

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ISR - Saving Children From Drowning

I am cross-posting this from my other blogs because I think it is amazing and scary and good information to know.

I read on Witchy Mama today about ISR. ISR stands for Infant Swimming Resource. It is an organization dedicated to preventing infant drowning by teaching infants and children from age six months to six years how to swim and save themselves in an "accidental water encounter". Their web site says they've taught more than 160,000 children these skills and documented 784 cases where children have saved themselves.

Parent Testimonials

Watch this video! It is hard to watch for me as a mother so be prepared. You might get a little choked up.

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Co-Parenting

A child needs to feel love from both of their parents. It is to their benefit that their two parents can work together for the sake of their child and leave the relationship baggage in the past. Suggestions for co-parenting:

• The focus is your child. The focus is not who was always working, who didn't help with chores, who didn't pay enough attention to the other, who did what, etc. while you were a couple.
• Do not use your child to hurt the other parent.
• Communicate in a positive manner.
• Do not bring up the past. Your child is your future and that is all that matters.
• Prepare your child for visits with the other parent. Be positive.
• Encourage your child's relationship with their other parent.
• Encourage your child's relationship with their step-parent(s) and other siblings. It is in your child's best interests to have a friendly (if not loving) relationship with their parent's other family members.
• Be friendly to significant others in your ex's life. You don't have to like them but you don't need to show your kids that. They are a part of your child's life now. It is in your child's (and yours) best interests that you get to know this person. They may be spending a lot of time with your child, taking care of your child, etc. They will have an influence on your child whether you want to accept that or not.
• Share information with the other parent, including school schedules, day care schedules, doctor appointments, extra-curricular activities, etc.
• Communicate, communicate, communicate.
• Share routines of the household (your child's bedtime routine, disciplinary styles if possible). Keeping consistency will help the children adjust.
• Do not talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child.

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Stepmom Bill of Rights

Stepmom Bill of Rights

The Stepmom Bill of Rights is very popular in the "step" world. You will find it posted all over the Internet. The original author is unknown. (If anybody knows who originated this, please let me know. I'd love to give credit.) This list is probably posted all over the United States on refrigerators everywhere. What it boils down to is basic respect. Respect the rules. Respect the relationships. Here is one version of it:

1. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.


2. I will be a part of the decision making process in my marriage and family at all times.


3. People outside the immediate family, including ex-wives, in-laws, or adult children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.


4. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.


5. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit, and how long they will stay.
   
6. I will not solely be responsible for housework – chores will be distributed fairly.
   
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
   
8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
   
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
   
10. I will be consulted on all family financial matters.

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