It's not up to me to make it work with the ex.

Most of us stepmoms probably did a lot of research trying to figure out how to make "it" work - the relationship with the stepkids, the relationship with the ex (aka "it" by some people I guess, lol), and a marriage to a man who has to juggle his children, a new wife, and the sometimes irrational expectations of an ex. There had to be some way to make the relationship with the husband's ex-girlfriend work, right?

I bought and checked out so many stepfamily and divorce books, trying to get some understanding of how to co-parent with somebody who didn't want to co-parent and who would never like me no matter what because I was married to the man she wanted to be married to (it had nothing to do with "me" personally). She would have despised any woman in that role so I shouldn't have taken it personally, right? Yeah, right. She made it personal with her snotty remarks, interfering behavior, and when my own children were hurt by her interfering behavior.

Yikes, got off track. What I came to realize after so many years of feeling like we were living in the blazing flames of "you know where" whenever we had to deal with her is that nothing I read about how to make a stepfamily work or how to co-parent successfully with the ex WOULD work unless she was willing to meet part of the way - even a little part. She not only refused to take a step forward, she ran backward as fast as she could spewing bitterness all the way.

I've been married more than 13 years to the man that the children's therapists have said she still wants and the last person she dated was my husband (yeah, it's been that long). That has been her problem, not mine. Can I change her mind, her behavior, or her feelings? Absolutely not. Did I do everything I could to try to form some relationship with her? Yes, I did. Do I feel guilty for not caring a thing about her? Nope. Do I enjoy the fact that I haven't seen her face in four years? Oh heck ya!

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Mom Supports Dad's Relationship with Children

Yeah, that title is a joke in this house but the information below that it relates to may help somebody.

Today I came across this site, Dads & Daughters. I found an article that some stepfamilies can relate to so I thought I'd share it here about how the mother should support the relationship that dad and the daughter share. It is something I wish I could print up and send to my stepkids' mother! It is something I wish their mother had done 13 years ago. It is something I don't think their mother can ever do and that I'd be wasting part of a tree printing it up at all for her.

Here it is:

Live-With Mom Tips for Supporting a Daughter's Bond with her Live-Away Dad

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Ex Relations

How do you get along with an ex who doesn't want to get along with you? Is there a way to get through all of the bitterness they have to co-parent? Personally, I don't think it is possible until the other person is ready to do the same. You can't change other people. So, how do you handle it if it goes on for years - not just 1, 2...5...10 years but longer? Did you find something that worked for you? I feel like after all these years, things are probably going to stay like this indefinitely. The habits are set, the trust completely broken...and we're on the downhill until the kids turn 18. After all, if the ex was going to come around and act human, they likely would've done it in the first decade right?

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Co-Parenting

A child needs to feel love from both of their parents. It is to their benefit that their two parents can work together for the sake of their child and leave the relationship baggage in the past. Suggestions for co-parenting:

• The focus is your child. The focus is not who was always working, who didn't help with chores, who didn't pay enough attention to the other, who did what, etc. while you were a couple.
• Do not use your child to hurt the other parent.
• Communicate in a positive manner.
• Do not bring up the past. Your child is your future and that is all that matters.
• Prepare your child for visits with the other parent. Be positive.
• Encourage your child's relationship with their other parent.
• Encourage your child's relationship with their step-parent(s) and other siblings. It is in your child's best interests to have a friendly (if not loving) relationship with their parent's other family members.
• Be friendly to significant others in your ex's life. You don't have to like them but you don't need to show your kids that. They are a part of your child's life now. It is in your child's (and yours) best interests that you get to know this person. They may be spending a lot of time with your child, taking care of your child, etc. They will have an influence on your child whether you want to accept that or not.
• Share information with the other parent, including school schedules, day care schedules, doctor appointments, extra-curricular activities, etc.
• Communicate, communicate, communicate.
• Share routines of the household (your child's bedtime routine, disciplinary styles if possible). Keeping consistency will help the children adjust.
• Do not talk negatively about the other parent in front of the child.

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