Don't You Hate It When Part V

Onward with the "Don't You Hate It When" tradition. I have received a few more from readers so I thought I'd consolidate the last recent few here and add on...

~*~*DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN~*~*

• Your DH's ex talks badly about you to the kids and continually sabotages any opportunity for a relationship with the them. She tries to control the household from afar. She endorses and encourages 'hatred' in them. She's the one who left. Why didn't she regret her decision before DH and I married. Oh, she wasn't threatened then.
• Yeah, we get a lot of "you are not fulfilling your obligation to the children" when we told her we couldn't take them for half of spring break because we were going on our honeymoon. But, she has no problem with constantly asking us to take them on weekends that aren't his so she can go out of town for a girls' weekend or has company coming into town.
• ...that the ex uses the children as pawns in her sick game but will "pawn" them off on her parents/babysitters/neighbors/hobos every chance she gets!
• The ex expects you to chase her in order to get information on the kids...like it's some type of dating/relationship ritual instead of dad trying to get information on his child's health/school from their mother!
• The ex won't pick up the phone to call dad but instead sends an email (to stepmom's email) telling him to call her. Pick up the phone and call him yourself! I'm not a friggen secretary!
• The ex won't move on even after dad has remarried, had several more kids, and is coming on a decade and a half of marriage to somebody he is actually happy with. How do you go that long without a date, a relationship...sex? OMG. Stop mooning over what you didn't appreciate when you had it and move on.
• The ex let's the kid practically fail every class because actually parenting would be too difficult for her. It's easier to let the kids run things instead of the parent.

If you would like to add onto the Don't You Hate It When threads, feel free to comment with them here. When I get several more of them, I'll put them all into one post again.

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Don't You Hate It When Part IV

I have had several comments from others to my original "Don't You Hate It When" post, and subsequent posts, on things they don't like about some ex/step issues. I thought I'd make a new post from those comments. If you would like to add yours, please feel free to comment to this post and after I get several of them, I'll make a Part V to this post with your dislikes about the situation.

Here are the most recent additions of comments or emails from readers:

~ DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN ~

• I hate it when my DH's EX brainwashes their kids to hate me. I hate it when the EX writes a blog about me and uses my real name and allows the skids to leave nasty comments about me afterwards!
• Don't you hate it when the ex who is responsible for paying child support think they have a say in how the child support is spent? Child support is reimbursing the other parent for what they pay out for everything. Don't you hate it when the ex and/or his or her latest love interest have the nerve to gripe about how the cp spends the support? Don't you hate it when the clothes,shoes, new toys, etc that you bought and let the kids wear or take to visitation end up torn up or not brought back at all? That is why my kids wear old clothes for visits unless the ex specifically says there is a special occasion. GROW UP PEOPLE AND YOU WOULD FIND YOUR LIFE MUCH BETTER IF YOU FOCUSED MORE ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KIDS OR STEPKIDS INSTEAD OF BEING IN A PISSING MATCH OVER THEM. PARENT THEM AND LOVE THEM AND CHERISH THE TIME SPENT AND STOP DEMANDING AN ACCOUNTING OF THE WRONGS AND KEEP AN ACCOUNTING OF THE RIGHTS WHEN THEY ARE THERE TO GIVE YOU JOY. FROM A MOM WHO BELIEVES THAT A STEPMOM OR STEPDAD IS JUST MORE PARENTS TO LOVE AND SEE HOW GREAT YOUR KIDS ARE.
• ... the ex wife gets away with murder because 1. "She's the mother of those children" (so she MUST know best, without question) or 2. "She's still hurt from the divorce" (years later, despite her new marriage) 3. Because she "has a disability/condition and can't help it" (she's mentally ill and doesn't take her meds, how is this ok?)
• ... you, as the new wife, are automatically assummed to be a homewrecking whore (even if the facts and dates prove otherwise) just because you are the "new wife"!
• ...when you (the new wife) are truely suffering at the hands of the ex-wife, working your butt off to be the best step-parent and newlywed you can be, and ask someone for advice they say "well, you married into it!" That's about as helpful as saying "well, you knew your job would suck when they hired you"!!!!
• The other parent lies to your current lover saying youve been sleeping together to try and get her to leave you so she can have you back. (like that would happen)

Here is another:

• When the stepkids blow off dad and the rest of their family with dad for self-preservation rather than dealing with their mother's behavior, anger, etc. over them having a relationship with any of them, including half-siblings who get hurt everytime the stepkids hang up on them, ignore them, pretend they don't exist, etc. after years of closeness (which finally disintegrated after years of emotional manipulation from the ex).

Do you have any of your own to add? Or perhaps you agree or disagree with some of these yourself? Feel free to comment about it.

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Don't You Hate It When Part III

I received another "Don't You Hate It When" from a reader that I am posting. I think it is something a lot of stepmothers can relate to.

Here it is:

Don’t you hate it when...Its okay for you (stepmom) to financially take care of your step kids, plan their future, wash their clothes, bring the meals, etc, but its not okay for you (stepmom) to tell the kids what they can and cannot do because bio mom gets offended. Who cares, you didn’t before?

Definitely! We can't win! It's ok for stepmoms to shell out their own personal finances and time for the stepkids chauffering them around to things the ex signed them up for but when it comes to placing expectations and restrictions on them, some bio-moms can rear their head and start hissing. I took good care of my stepkids. I don't think anybody could have a complaint about that (well, except for the ex who I'm sure would complain that I was even alive) but when one of the stepkids started having behavioral problems and getting consequences (from me usually because I was the parent home at the time and I had no support from the bio-mom who told hubby that I was not to call her) for doing things like bloodying his baby sister's nose (yes, she was a baby...she was 4!), or punching his older sister until she fell over and then climbing on top of her and pounding on her some more (I had to pull him off of her!) and a ton of other aggressive things, never ONCE were our (my) consequences backed up by the bio-mom. I always had my husband's support but my stepchild's mother would ruin everything we tried to accomplish with our consequences as soon as he left our home by making excuses for him, babying him, and belittling us and our rules...giving in to her son and believing the behaviorally challenged boy over the adults and even her own daughter (when my stepson beat up my stepdaughter in the bm's house - literally punching and leaving bruises and tears hours later, she asked my stepdaughter what she'd done to make him do that!!). Doctors and counselors agreed with us but I guess some people will say "black" if you, the other home, say "white" no matter what, even at the expense of your own children. We had ZERO support from the ex. None. Ever. We were "too strict" when we took toys and video games away or sent him to his room. I guess we should've rewarded him for beating up his siblings all the time! She acted like we were abusing him by setting appropriate limits. None of the other children had a problem understanding the basic rules (like no beating up your siblings!). Personally, I think she liked the havoc and harm he caused in our home. Probably got a secret thrill off of it.

It's ok for me to spend my money on my stepchildren (food, gifts, shelter, etc.). It's just not ok to actually expect them to follow the household rules the rest of the kids have to follow. You'd think over a decade later, some people would get over it (get over themselves).

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Don't You Hate It When Part II

This is the second post to my "Don't You Hate It When..." reader participation post. ( The first post is here.) This is a popular issue.

• You step child shows up with clothes and shoes 2 sizes too small and you are going out to a function with them looking like that!


• Your husband and in-laws let your obese stepchild eat and eat and eat what ever she wants all day and then she comes back to your house and cries herself to sleep with a belly ache and wakes you up at 3 am to tell you she has to throw up and proceeds to do so on your NEW $200 dollar comforter set and favorite slippers! HELLO! This is why she is 8 yrs old wearing a size 16 in girls!


• You buy your step child new clothes or sneakers and they make it out of your house and into the ex’s for you to never see them again because one of her other 8 children has them on!


• When your stepchild comes to your house and steals and your husband doesn’t lift a finger to discipline the child after you caught her red handed!


• You can’t put your pajamas on and walk around the house or have a private conversation with your husband because the nosey information gathering (for the ex) child is lurking around YOUR house!


• You can't keep your plans or take your kids where you wanted to go because the ex couldn’t take no for an answer that he would pick the demon up next weekend!


• When your in laws treat your new baby and the stepchild better than your child from a previous marriage and your husband says nothing to them!


• When your stepchild gets in front of your in-laws and morphs into a loud mouth demon! Instead of the quiet serpent she is at your house.


• Don't you hate it when the ex-wife involves you (the new wife) and then doesn't like the way you handle it?? I really hate it that she keeps coming back for more support (which she gets) and continues to lay around, get fat, and not work? Then keeps sending e-mails nickel and diming for medical 1/2...$12 here and there...AND we have to deposit into
  her account because that is the way the agreement was made!!! We do her banking,
  too!!


• Your husbands ex has nothing good to say about you yet expects you to take care of the kids when they are sick while SHE sits at home (on our dime) because "it's not her day" to care for them.


• When the ex psycho makes friends with the (first) ex psycho (yes it's true) who hated each other with great vengence toward each other (the stories...) and then when the guy gets voluntary custody of one of the ex's kids 9 who's ADHD and ODD and has never in his life shown empathy (hurting animals burning the garage) (and becomes Obligee & Obligor for two sets of kids) that the two Psycho's become best friends to manipulate the whole system and use information on each visitation to "tag-team" you from both sides (which benefits them greatly) and to top it off then they both secretly report false physical child abuse because "privacy law allows annoymity" and you and your spouse spend two years defending accusations (clearly false and proven over and over again) yet because it's family law you never get back a dime of the money you had to spend on lawyers to fight all the spun poison (60, 000 dollars) ?
  
  Yeah ... I hate it when that happens.
  
  We just filed restraining orders.

~~~~~~

This is the end of Part II. If you would like to add to this with your own experiences, comment below and I will start accumulating enough for a Part III.

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Don't You Hate It When...

This was a very popular part of my former stepfamily web site. Readers enjoyed including their own personal "don't you hate it whens...." to the web site. You can add your own by commenting! If I get enough of them, I will make another post and include them in their own post.


Don't You Hate It When...

• The other parent ASSUMES they know what goes on in your household?



• The other parent tries to run your household?



• The other parent tries to DEMAND things from you that they have no right to anymore?



• The ex-signifcant other lies to the kids about you.



• The bio-parent of the same sex thinks you are trying to replace them. Why would she think that and what makes her think I'd want her kids (brats)?



• You pay your support in full and on time consistently yet still receive support arrearage notices because support enforcement departments can't keep their records accurate and custodial parents won't lift a finger to help fix the problem when they can do it easily. (This is a common problem...believe me!!!)



• You become a "wallet" to your children's mother...good enough to provide financial support but not good enough to be a positive influence in your child's life emotionally, mentally, and physically.



• You are the one who struggles and sacrifices to better yourself in your job and the ex is the only one that benefits when she gets support raised because you've worked and sacrificed for a better position? Be real...how much does it cost to raise a child? BOTH parents need to be equally financially responsible for their child. Any support that goes above the "half" of the non-custodial parent's responsibility is nothing more than spousal support for the custodial adult and not the child. As a woman, I would have more pride in myself and my abilities to take care of myself rather than mooching off an ex. Where are these women's pride and dignity?



• You have to see your ex several times a month and act nice to them even though you can't stand them?
  


• Your ex acts so pathetic when you are there to pick up the kids? I'm not there to see her, or play games with HER, I'm there for my kids and MY KIDS only! Does she really think I'd ever have feelings for her again after what she's put me and my kids through?
  I hate it that my ex acted fine until the time I fell in love. After that, it was all hell breaking loose with her trying to cause trouble and blaming my new love for everything...even the end of our own relationship that had nothing to do with my new love!



• Both homes have two entirely different discipline policies? My children's custodial parent doesn't know the meaning of the word "discipline".
  


• The ex feels threatened by a step-parent? My ex feels threatened by my wife and her relationship with the kids. Ex thinks that stepmom is trying to take her place with the kids. My wife loves my kids, but she doesn't WANT my kids for herself. She likes it when they go back to their mother's house. If the ex would get over herself and her own bitterness, perhaps she'd see things more clearly, she'd quit acting like a spoiled child and try to get along. If she did, she'd be surprised at how wrong she's been all these years.



• I just hate my husband's ex period...she is a controlling, bitter, frigid witch who has nothing better to do in her life than be vindictive. She has no life at all! My husband, who is a very nice, fair person calls her "psycho". (I think that speaks clearly on how he feels about her character and actions).



• As a new step-parent you are expected to know all of the "rules", yet no one can actually tell you what they are?
  


• The ex-wife says to you ( the new wife) "if it wasn't for you, me and my ex would still be friends (together, happy, etc.) even when you had nothing to do with their divorce?



• Ex- wife says "my son/daughter doesn't need anything from you" to new wife.



• Don't you hate it when the ex uses your child support payments to buy new expensive things for herself and drops the kids off at your home wearing clothes that are 2 sizes to small, wearing boots that belong to their mother and when you ask them if there getting new clothes for the winter they respond with, "well mom said you aren't paying your support so we have to go without", even though your child support comes off of your paycheque automatically.
  

Would you like to add your thoughts here????
If you'd like to add to this, please feel free to add your comments.

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