Living Close to the Ex Again

Thinking about relocating back to our home state, where the stepkids are, has me thinking about some of the reasons why it was so easy to move to begin with (besides the job situation and my drama-inducing mother).  It was the constant hostility with the ex, her sister getting in my face when I'd pick the kids up from daycare during our parenting time, and my getting punched in the lower back (while pregnant) at my stepdaughter's dance recital as that same sister walked by (wish they'd had security cameras in that area because I would've had her arrested in a second if it'd been caught on video) that made the decision to move easier than it should've been.  The family court would do nothing (they said it was a police matter since I wasn't a part of the court order despite it happening during the pick up of the kids during parenting time, that same pick-up at the request of the ex) and the police wouldn't do anything (they said it was a family court matter)...what did they care, I was just the stepmom - pregnant stepmom.

I could've kept my job there and supported the family myself, knowing it might've taken years for hubby to find a job in the area we lived in, in the industry he works in, but I was not going to pay my husband's child support for him, especially after how bad things were with the ex and her family and the way I'd been treated and assaulted.  Not my ex - not my responsibility.  Not my kids - not my responsibility.  I had an opportunity to take a management buy-out at my company, which had just gone through a sale, and I grabbed it with both hands.  At that point, we'd been living in a constant state of stress for almost five years and it was affecting our own family so I was ready to put a little distance between the two warring homes.

We moved to where my husband could get a job in his field.  Now we are considering moving back.  It's a little bit of a concern - wondering if certain people have grown up enough to behave themselves and act like mature, rational adults. I guess we'll see if or when we move.

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Stress in the Stepfamily

Well, the scale says +2 pounds and I'm still waiting for word from my doctor on what to do about my thyroid medication dosage (which needs to change).  I hope he gets back to me before I gain all the weight I lost back!  Maybe in the meantime I should check into getting some exercise equipment. I was outside with my four-year-old yesterday running around the yard with her and boy did she wear me out!  I really need to work on my endurance (in between puffs on my asthma inhaler I guess). 

You have to watch what the constant stress a lot of us live in for years does to the human body.  I truly believe the constant stress (constant cortisol output stressing the adrenals and thyroid) is where my thyroid disease came from.  Nobody blood-related to me in my family has thyroid disease which my doctor found very surprising.  Doesn't appear to be inherited! 

Do what you can to rid yourself of constant stress.  It does affect your health!  We have the fight or flight response but when the "fight" lasts for years, it's not good for you.

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Stepfamily Stress Bad For Your Health

Did you know the constant state of stress that you may live in while dealing with stressful ex and step stuff can predispose you to things like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease? A lot of us struggle with the need to lose belly fat but it stays stubbornly with us and we wonder why. Given that we probably lived at least several years in an almost constant state of stress, it's no surprise now that I know more. (Wish I'd known then what I know now.)

When you are stressed, it elevates your cortisol levels (which can also tax your adrenals and affect your thyroid - like me). Too much chronic stress and it leads to insulin resistance. It becomes a cycle and eventually health problems start to show up.

I lived in an almost constant state of stress for more than the first half of our marriage trying to deal with all the stressors. It's only been within the past few years that I've backed away for my health (and let some things fall where they may because I can't be responsible for everything and still be healthy for my own kids). I'm not really surprised that I'm having the health problems I am having now. What I do wish is that I'd known about it from the beginning so I could have taken steps to prevent it.

If you're new to stepfamily life and living in what seems like constant stress, please realize that it is bad for your health and take the steps now so you aren't where I am at 14 years later. Look up stress in relation to cortisol, insulin resistance, belly fat (all related) which can lead to diabetes, heart problems, hormone-related problems, and more.

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Stress Reliever Ideas

Who has some really good ideas on how to relieve stress? We all deal with just because of the nature of our family dynamics here. Being a step-parent is difficult. Being a step-parent with a difficult ex to deal with on top of the "usual" stepfamily stuff makes it, by far, the single most difficult thing/role I have ever had in my life.

Here are some things that I do:

• I go to the stable and spend time with my horse. She has been such a huge stress release for me the past three years. It's not about riding (which I actually don't do that often), it's just about putting myself into a different situation (at the barn) and spending time loving on this huge animal, pushing thoughts of the daily stresses away, putting my head up right against hers and just breathing her in.
• I lock the bathroom door and soak in a hot bath. It'd be nice if it was a jacuzzi bath, but it's not. Lighting some candles, like WoodWick Candles, which sounds like a fire crackling, makes it all the better. That's assuming the kids can stop pounding on the door for me!
• I write. For years, I went to my stepfamily forum and it was my venting place. I still have it but since blogging, I don't use it near as much as I used to. I have both a private and public stepfamily forum and the private one is safe for me (and my members) to vent all we want without worry about who is reading it and what they think because they understand. Most of the time, like I said, I blog here instead now.

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Stressful Eater?

Do you eat under stress (and what isn't stressful about dealing with an ex or stepfamily chaos)? I'm not an emotional eater yet. Are you looking for a good attorney as well as the best weight loss supplement to counteract emotional eating habits? I tend to beat up my body in other ways due to stress (TMJ from clenching my jaw when I'm upset). I had to have been pretty stressed to cause so much damage to my jaw over the years because my jaws are really messed up.

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Stresses of a Stepmom

I can feel my jaw starting to ache again. I have TMJ and stress aggravates it (and makes it worse). Every time something comes up with the ex or stepkids anymore, I get tense. Does anybody else get that way? Between Father's Day and my stepson's coming birthday, I'm feeling a bit tense.

I guess my jaw pain is my indication that I need to let it go before my body becomes more damaged by the years of stress (that continue). It's not like I can run off on Caribbean cruises or anything like that but I really need to find a way to let go and relax (that doesn't cost anything).

3 years, 11 months and 3 days left until I will feel free. Yes, I count the days.

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The Sound of a Fire in a Candle

You are lying back on the couch with your eyes closed, a glass of wine in hand, soft and relaxing music in the background while listening to the sounds of a crackling fire. It's so soothing. What a great way to end the day, letting all of the day's worries just slip away.

Now open your eyes! It is not a real fire; it's a Wood Wick Candle!

Did you know there are candles with a natural wick made of wood and that as it burns, it actually sounds like a crackling fire? I want to try these!

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Stepmom Stresses - Did they cause child's disabilities?

Being a stepmom, and having children with the father of the stepchildren, brings with it its own trials and stresses because the ex can get a little ballistic over their ex moving on, jealous, insecure, etc. over another child entering the picture (not to mention mad that it can decrease their child support). Here is a short story about what a stepmom can go through, not at the ex's hands (though she did nothing about it) but at the hands of a family member of hers. It's Jerry Springer material!

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Autoimmune Disorders in Stepfamilies

I've read quite a bit about how stress can affect your health, particularly with the development of autoimmune disorders where your body basically attacks itself. I'm wondering how many of us stepmoms have developed an autoimmune disorder since marrying into a family, becoming a stepfamily, or developed some other type of health problem?

For me, I have TMJ (caused by clenching my teeth when stressed, damaging my jaw), my asthma went from an annoyance to life-threatening, and I developed Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (along with nodules, goiter, hypothyroidism).

According to MedicineNet.com:

"Autoimmune disease: An illness that occurs when the body tissues are attacked by its own immune system. The immune system is a complex organization within the body that is designed normally to "seek and destroy" invaders of the body, including infectious agents. Patients with autoimmune diseases frequently have unusual antibodies circulating in their blood that target their own body tissues.

Examples of autoimmune diseases include systemic lupus erythematosus, Sjogren syndrome, Hashimoto thyroiditis, rheumatoid arthritis, juvenile (type 1) diabetes, polymyositis, scleroderma, Addison disease, vitiligo, pernicious anemia, glomerulonephritis, and pulmonary fibrosis."

This was just a few. There are over 80 autoimmune disorders.

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Stressed Out Stepmom

My TMJ is acting up. (Temporomandibular joint (TMJ) syndrome or TMJ joint disorders are related to the jaw joint...connects the lower jaw to the skull in front of the ear.) Most people get it from grinding their teeth at night or injury. I get mine from clenching constantly when I am stressed. Marrying a non-custodial father with a less than pleasant ex will do that to a person.

I have been able to manage my TMJ much better the last couple years and only have flare-ups when things come up with the stepkids and the ex. It's acting up now.

The ex called two days ago to see if we had copies of their son's ADHD diagnosis because she couldn't find hers (she's been a legal secretary for about 20 years and apparently she can't file correctly...go figure). I went into our files to get our paperwork to give her a copy and was reading through all the logs and doctor evaluations from all the behaviors that prompted the ADHD and ODD diagnosis - the anger and aggression towards my kids, doctor's reports, etc. It made me tense to remember all this crap and how many years it took us to get somebody to pay attention to my stepson and what my kids went through and lo and behold...my jaw has been aching again.

Stress can take a toll on your body whether it be in the form of autoimmune disorders, TMJ, insomnia, or something else. Everybody has their limits on how much stress they, and their bodies, can handle. My limits stop at the ex apparently.

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Moms Take Time For Yourself

I have this problem - I feel guilty when I want to take time for myself or need a break. I shouldn't but I do. I work from home so I am home with the kids 24/7. I do my work, take care of my kids, pick up the house (it's nowhere near spotless as my grumbling husband can attest to), prepare the kids' meals, laundry, yell at the kids and dogs, etc. It's a madhouse. I get to the point where I have to get out before I lose it (my mind, my patience).

I feel guilty though. For years, I felt like I had to clear it with my husband's schedule first. It's not like he would ever clear his bike activities around my schedule so I'm not sure why I felt that way. Why should I have to "ask" dad to watch his own kids? He didn't expect me to. I just felt that way.

I've been getting better this past year on scheduling my time away for a couple hours here and there. If I don't, my husband reminds me. When I get to the limits of my frustrations, he tells me to go to the stable. He kicks me out of the house to unwind.

It's not healthy to not take care of myself. I know that, however finding the time and money to do things for myself is difficult for me. There is always a bill that needs to be paid so I feel like my need is secondary to that (not sure why that is because my husband has no problem requesting his wants, lol). I schedule all my kids doctor appointments but can get a few years behind in my check-ups. It's not good.

Moms need to take better care of themselves. I know I do. We have a lot of people depending on us to stay healthy and sane. My family could definitely drive me batty if I let them.

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Stress Symptoms - Preteen & Teen

This is my last post on stress symptoms in certain age groups of children. For the symptoms in younger age groups, please see my previous posts.

Here are some of the known symptoms to watch for in the 12-18 year range:

• Sleep and eating problems
• Withdrawing
• Depression
• Rebellion (good luck figuring out if this is normal teen stuff or stress)
• Grades fall
• Recklessness
• Wanting revenge

Please know your children. Watch your children. Care about your children. If you have any concerns, don't ignore them. Find help. Even if it turns out to be normal teenage angst, it is better to know for sure than take a risk with your child.

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Stress Symptons in School Age Children

Kids this age are hearing and talking about things like war and terrorism on top of a lot of parents splitting up. It can be a scary time. Some of the symptoms you may see in kids that could indicate anxiety or stress over something are varied and listed below. Here are some of the symptoms for the 6-11 age group:

• Sleep Disturbances


• Safety Concerns (my daughter is neurotic about danger)


• Aggressive/Angry Behavior


• Not concentrating at school; lower grades


• Worried about others (my daughter)


• Change in mood/personality (my daughter)


• Physical signs (aches and pains) - (my daughter)


• Obvious anxiety and fear (my daughter again)


• Pays close attention to a parent's worries (my daughter...we have to be very careful because she not only listens to what we talk about but watches our facial expressions very closely)


• Not wanting to go to school


• Withdrawing


• Regression


• Loss of interest in activities


• Separation Anxiety

My daughter was already a timid child to begin with but after something bad happened to her, it was just magnified a hundred times. Her anxiety wasn't brought on by her parents splitting up (we're still happily married). For her, it means extreme worry and fear over most everything anymore.

If you think your child is suffering from extreme anxiety or stress that is affecting his or her daily life, please talk to you child's doctor.

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Stress Symptons in Young Children

I've been reading information on stress/anxiety in kids since my daughter has an anxiety disorder and my stepdaughter showed a lot of symptoms when she was in this age group. I thought I'd share some of the symptoms here, starting with the youngest age group first.

Age 1-6 Years:

• Sleep Disturbances - Nightmares (my stepdaughter had night terrors)
• Regression
• Fear of Death
• Separation anxiety
• Physical symptoms such as stomach aches and headaches. We went through this with my stepdaughter when there were some "issues" shall we say when she was in this age group. She had stomachaches during transitions and didn't want to leave us. We knew why she was having them but couldn't get her mother to listen to anything we had to say. You should've seen the physical tests this poor little girl was put thru (think of enemas and stuff!). We had to go to my stepdaughter's pediatrician because of that ourselves and he immediately handed her mother a referral to a therapist. The counselor determined WE weren't the problem and I'll just leave it at that...let you figure out on your own who the problem was.
• Uncharacteristic neediness and crying. We saw this in my stepdaughter as well.

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