You can't mess with this stepmom.

My last post was a short one about what position my stepdaughter put her dad into - he was promised two tickets (for the both of us) but she texted him the other night and said he was only getting one out of eight tickets.  What a position to put your father into.

I fully expected this to happen.  Nothing we do where it concerns the ex and kids goes smoothly and the other home's actions are generally predictable in their conflict and cruelty. There's always something negative, which is sad.  With me expecting this, I planned for the worst.  I contacted her high school a couple months ago expressing a wish for several tickets.  They only hand out so many to the student and that was it.  I contacted them again a couple weeks ago to see if anybody had turned in any extra tickets.  Nobody had but they put us on a waiting list.  Three days ago, I contacted the school again to see and they didn't have any extras.  Well, that night is when my stepdaughter texted her dad to tell him she was only giving him one ticket to her graduation ceremony.

My husband told me to take his one ticket and go in his place.  He was very upset that his daughter put him in this position.  He said he was "floored" by it all.  I have been "mom" to her when she's here.  When she was going through a huge emotional crisis last year and her mother didn't know what to do with her, she sent her to ME.  When it's all said and done though, I'm expendable.  I'm easily set aside.  I'm just the stepmom.  I'm not important.

The next morning after he received that text, I contacted her school principal back again and told him what was going on and how we'd appreciate a couple extra tickets so that we could see my stepdaughter graduate together and if he could mail them directly to us so they couldn't be taken from us, it'd be great.  He responded right away that he'd mail out two tickets ASAP!

I really don't want to go at this point.  After 15+ years of being a loving stepmom to my stepdaughter, I was kicked aside like I was nothing after all of these years of loving and taking care of her.  However, I WILL go to stand by my husband for him, for us.

They tried.  They failed.

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What Stepmothers Can't Say

For all the things we do for children that aren't ours - chauffeuring, cooking, cleaning, bathing, laundering, etc. (really, the list is neverending)...we deserve a crown. When you add an ex who refuses to co-parent, or even be civil unless it makes her look good into the mix, I think I want Diamond necklaces too!

Seriously though, I found this article printed online at CNN of an article that appeared in Oprah's O Magazine about things you should never say as a stepmother. One point in it says not to say this:

• #10 "What's the matter, never heard of thank you?"
  Don't become a stepparent expecting gratitude. (Don't become a parent expecting it, either.) While you shouldn't tolerate rudeness, choose your battles carefully. Kids generally don't have the best manners; they get preoccupied and forego social niceties. Don't be petulant; you're the grown-up.

I don't think it's about wanting gratitude. I think it's about expecting respect. I expect it of any child who comes into my home whether it is my own child, my children's friends, or my stepchildren. My stepkids don't get a free pass on manners because their parents divorced. I may not say it in exactly that same way but the point would be made.

If you don't have expectations for children, why should they have expectations for themselves?

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How do you feel about Mother's Day as a stepmom?

Mother's Day, May 10, 2009.

A day once a year when many non-custodial and custodial stepmoms are left out. A day when the golden light from above shines down on the biological mother's head, casting some stepmoms in its shadow. It doesn't matter if that stepmom has cared for that child more than the biological mother up to that point...it's Mother's Day and to many, Mother's Day means biological mothers or adoptive mothers. There are many people who do not want it to mean stepmothers.

Mother's Day.

A day when some stepmoms' hearts fill with joy because they are shown just how appreciated they are. For some, a day when some stepmoms will cry because they've been forgotten, making them feel unappreciated by the kids or their husband for all they've done for the 364 days prior to this day. For others it is a day when some stepmoms will shrug it all off. It doesn't matter anymore.

So, which stepmom are you?

• I was the first stepmom for awhile. When my stepkids were too young to be affected by the negativity heaped on and around them, I received their handmade attempts that were so sweet.
• Then for a very short time, I became the second stepmom being forgotten as a "stepmom" (though never forgotten as "mom" to my own kids) once the negativity started to have its desired effect on the children.
• Finally, I quickly became the stepmom who shrugs it off, the stepmom who might think of the stepchildren with a twinge but will easily set aside what can't be changed and enjoy the day with my own kids. I have four beautiful children who do so much to show their appreciation and love that there is no way that somebody else's negative actions are going to ruin the day for me. The ex will never have that much power.

I no longer have any expectations from my teenaged stepchildren for Mother's Day. Expect the worst and perhaps be surprised, but likely not.

So, which stepmom are you?

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Disciplining Stepchildren

I read this fantastic post today on another blog about what some see as a controversial issue regarding stepmothers disciplining their stepchildren. It's a hot topic in a lot of homes trying to blend and especially between two warring homes when the other bio-parent doesn't think a step-parent should be disciplining at all. I think step-parents and their spouses should definitely read it. Please read Discipline and the Stepmom.

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When do the tears stop?

After the disappointing news from the ex that she's not willing to give up the kids one extra day for spring break (technically, my husband is entitled to those three extra overnights, in addition to the week they are already scheduled, but he is only asking for one of them), I was so angry. He is always the one compromising for her and she gives up nothing. All the ex does is take, take, take.

My husband thinks part of the reason is the stepkids wanted to spend that evening with their friends and that the ex is letting them dictate the schedule (when they have the night before to spend with friends already). It makes me question why the heck I am putting so much time into making the kids custom bags for Easter? I don't even like to iron! Why did I spend time finding them the perfect book for their interests for Easter? Why do I always pick up cards to send to them from all of us all the time when they won't even acknowledge they received them? Why am I going out of my way to really accommodate my stepdaughter's vegetarian needs with a good variety of foods, and all the extra money that it takes to do so, instead of giving her a salad if she won't eat what is served at mealtime? When do I give up?

I am so angry at his ex for being such an uncompromising, selfish you know what. My husband is always the one to give up something when it comes to his kids. She never does. NEVER in 14 years has she given up one damn thing, not one minute, yet he will and has for them repeatedly. Do you know how much it GRATES on every last nerve to allow her to get away with doing this? I'd put her in her place in a heartbeat and enjoy every second of it. DH is handling it though and he keeps the peace by caving anymore. He thinks it is how his kids want it. I know his ex likes it this way.

I went into the bathroom to cry so my kids wouldn't see me. My husband came in and we talked. I told him that I miss my stepdaughter. He said something that is more true than I want to realize - - he said I miss who she used to be, not who she is now. He said she isn't the same person. My stepson has always been his mother's son but now, my stepdaughter has changed so much to make her mother happy. It's like their dad doesn't mean anything anymore.

When do you stop trying or caring? Right now, I am thinking the $1 plastic bucket for Easter is looking better than spending a couple hours making them something else like I had planned. I don't even want to see them now. They're not little kids anymore and old enough to know better. I'm so disappointed in them and angry at their mother. A couple more years and then the legal relationship with the ex is over. I can't wait.

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Stepparents are Legal Strangers

I'll bet that is one title you never thought of for yourself, huh?

According to Wikipedia, we, the step-parents, are legal strangers because we have no legal right to the minor child even if we are the step-child's "parent" in terms of love and responsibility.

This is taken from Wikipedia:

"The stepparent is a "legal stranger" in most of the US and has no legal right to the minor child no matter how involved in the child's life they are. The biological parents (and, where applicable, adoptive parents) hold that privilege and responsibility. So if the biological parent doesn't give up his or her parental rights and custodial to the child, a parent's subsequent marriage cannot create a stepparent relationship without the parent written consent before a "child" reaches adulthood. In most cases, the stepparent can not be ordered to pay child support."

I get that we have no legal rights. You can love that child like your own and take care of that child like your own, but you can lose that child without any legal recourse if you and their biological parent were to divorce. What a risk step-parents take with their hearts. A risk that many step-parents have taken and had their hearts broken either through divorce or by loss of the relationship due to other factors (ex: the ex's emotional manipulations). Besides, the family court will beat "no legal rights" over any step-parent's head repeatedly so I think we all know we have no legal rights.

I don't understand what they mean by "...marriage cannot create a stepparent relationship without the parent written consent..." Written consent by who? The biological parent you married or the same sex biological parent, AKA the ex?

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Stepmother's Poem

**Author Unknown

What is a stepmother?

A step below or a step above?

Someone for you to (sometimes) love?

Someone to share your laughter and tears?

Or do you grow quiet when she comes near?

*****

What is a stepmother?

A step above or a step below?

Someone to teach you and help you to grow?

Is she a mystery to you, or someone you know?

Are you true with your feelings, or are they for show?

*****

I'm a stepmother, so let me define

What a stepmother is, at least in my mind

A stepmother cares for her family and home

And loves her step kids like they were her own

She fixes their meals, treats a cold, ties a shoe

Anything that a kid's real mom would do

*****

A stepmother consoles you when you feel sad

And hands out a punishment if you are bad

She'll tuck you in bed and read you a story

And yet, it's the real mom that gets all the glory

*****

A stepmother hides the tears that she cries

When mother's day comes and then just slips by

With no card, and no hug, though she really feels sad

She won't let you see it, won't let you feel bad

*****

She feels like an outsider but tries to fit in

If you're playing a game with her, she'll let you win

She makes sure your birthday is one special day

And when hers is forgotten, she'll just look away

*****

When your teen years come, life gets much tougher

With a stepmother these years, for her, are much rougher

You may say or do something that injures her feelings

Please keep in mind that she hurts while she's healing

*****

Your stepmother has done the best she could do

And no matter your age, she'll always love you

For her birthday, the best present to get her

Is the most precious of all, that you didn't forget her

*****

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