Compassion

I just read this article at Rockstar Coparenting about compassion.  It about made me cry!

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I Took Everything Away!

This morning, I turned into mean mom and took every privilege my kids have away from my three oldest. That means no computer, no texting, no video, no television, no sleepovers, etc. They have to earn them back.

I don't believe kids are entitled to any of these things. Usually, I take one or two things away but after weeks of things building, this morning they lost it all. I used to do this with my stepson after he'd beat up one of his siblings. (My kids haven't beat anybody up but they've done other things enough to tick me off that have to do with messy rooms, attitude, homework, etc. I don't know what has gotten into them but I'm putting a stop to it right now.) Of course, the ex thought we were too strict and was treating him differently than the other kids (we were supposed to ground the other kids too because he hit them I guess). I was the wicked head of our stepfamily in her eyes I think. She was wrong; I'm an equal-opportunity grounder! She ensured my stepson thought we were singling him out as well. I wonder if it'd matter now if he knew his brother and two of his sisters were receiving the same treatment for misbehaving as well?

I've read many books on step-parenting, parenting and other family relationship books. I read a lot of different ways to parent, however, I am a big believer in privileges being earned. I expect respect for others. I think kids today expect everything handed to them but I'm not raising brats!

Whether you are parenting your own or helping to parent your significant other's children, sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy doing. If my kids think I enjoy grounding them, they're wrong. I didn't enjoy grounding my stepson either (no matter what he and his mother thought) but kids need consequences for inappropriate behavior.

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Dad's Pregnant Girlfriend Shot Dead By His Son?

Police say an 11-year-old boy shot his father's live-in, eight month pregnant girlfriend once at point-blank range, killing her and her unborn child. This happened in western Pennsylvania. The boy is being charged with criminal homicide and homicide of an unborn child. The victim, Kenzie Marie Houk, was 26 years old and had a four-year-old daughter who found her mother dead in her bed on Friday.

This is just awful. So sad.

For those of us who have seen violence from a stepchild, this hits too close to home. I used to worry that one of my children were going to be permanently harmed or worse when a stepchild was becoming violent (trying to stomp on a baby's head, pounding the crap out of a sibling, "dead stares" from the stepchild, no remorse or empathy, just to name a few - we have logs of behaviors like this). When it was to the point that I was taking my block of knives off the counter and hiding them whenever my stepchildren were due to arrive and worried about going to sleep at night, it became unbearable. When I had to put baby monitors in the bedrooms of older children, it became unbearable. When my stepchild's pediatrician, who was also my children's pediatrician, warned me when I was pregnant with my last child that she feared that I was going to get hurt, it became unbearable.

Violent behavior from a stepchild is downright scary. The newspaper does not indicate whether there was other violence in the home from this child or have any reports of child abuse. I guess we will all wait for further reports to be made public. In our case, my stepchild's therapist confirmed what we already knew to be the problem (his mother).

I don't know what happened in the case of this boy murdering his father's pregnant girlfriend, but I do know what my own stepchildren went through and the damage that occurred because of it. Children don't belong in the middle of a parent's emotional warfare towards the other parent and other parent's family. It tears them apart and messes them up. If you do this to a child, then you don't know how to parent or love a child appropriately. Any parent who does this is grossly selfish and should seek professional help immediately before you irreparably harm your child.

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Stepson's Grades

Well, my stepson is doing the same thing this year that he did last year - letting his grades fall to almost failing. Coming from a kid who was several grade levels ahead of his classmates a few years ago, and knowing his mother hasn't done anything again this year to help him (get him an IEP, get him therapy, ensure he is doing his homework), it's so frustrating to see this woman with custody of the kids let a very smart young man's grades go to hell. Why doesn't she care more to do something?

It appears that we are going to have to do what she won't do, which is nothing new. We are the ones who previously took him to a child psychologist, speech therapy, and occupational therapy before. She never even attended any of those sessions herself! I, the hated wife of her ex, drove him an hour each way into the city for his therapies, therapies his mother never attended. Gosh, I'm such a rotten stepmom AND kept her fully updated with notes from the sessions I took and copies of every thing they worked on while there. I'm so awful aren't I? I dread having to go through this again because she's not a pleasant person to deal with but damn! Do something for your kid already! Maybe if we "suggest" a change in custody because she's letting him fail, she'll pretend to care enough to get him some help?

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Holding Kids Accountable

After seeing again on the news this morning about the story of kids beating another kid, it got more thoughts rolling.

Accountability. Consequences. Empathy. Do kids know what these two words mean? Even more than knowing the definition, are the concepts applied in your home with your children?

Definitions as taken from Dictionary.com:

• Accountability ~ the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.
• Consequences ~ something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition.
• Empathy ~ the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

When a child is not held accountable for their actions with no consequences for bad, aggressive behavior for years and excuses are offered while the child was let off the hook for every misbehavior and harm caused to other children, it can result in innocent children requiring medical and mental health care. When the mental health providers feel that without being taught empathy, a child like this would grow up to be a criminal yet a parent changes nothing, and does nothing and helps with nothing, what does that say about their ability to parent responsibly? Is it any wonder society is seeing an increase in crimes by children? Will these children grow up to be supported by the taxpayers in prison?

It is very frustrating to know this and be able to do nothing. It is heartbreaking when the victim of the behavior is your own child.

In a stepfamily situation, you not only are dealing with the wrong behavior, but trying to navigate the minefield that is working with the other parent to modify the behavior and teach right from wrong. In a lot of cases, this isn't possible unfortunately and quite sadly. It is very sad when an adult's ego or anger get in the way of helping their child, when it is easier for the other parent to butt heads with the other parent rather than work together to change the situation for the misbehaving child, to help the child learn right and wrong.

When did it become wrong to discipline a child? When did it become wrong to give your child rules and expectations? When did it become wrong to give your child consequences for misbehaving? When did it become wrong to act like a parent?

It seems to me that kids are given everything but a lot of them don't have any expectations placed on them for earning these things in the first place, or expectations on behavior in order to keep them. For instance, how many kids are walking around with video game systems, mp3 players, and cell phones? Now how many kids did anything to earn those privileges or keep those privileges?

It seems to me that "privileges" are taken for granted as necessities anymore by children. They don't "want" these things; they EXPECT them. As far as I am concerned, these things, and a lot more, are privileges. To receive them, you earn them and when misbehaving they are easily removed from the child as consequences.

Let's talk about empathy for a minute. Why is it that children are not being taught empathy anymore? How can children harm other people without feeling any remorse? Why aren't children being taught that other people have feelings and needs? How scary is that?!? I've watched a child harm other children and show no emotion or feel no regret. I've seen the dead look in the eyes that appears to show no conscience. It is very scary to experience this firsthand. These children who don't feel empathy may grow up to be adults who don't feel empathy. Isn't that a criminal in the making?

Let's look at a few more definitions:

• Sociopath ~ a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.
• Psychopath ~ A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse.

Take note of words in these two definitions: "lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience" and "amoral behavior without empathy or remorse." It looks like we as a society are breeding a whole slew of sociopaths and psychopaths right now. I hope that's not true. I really do. I have little faith of that though.

With the rate of divorce and stepfamily situations, with the state of the family court where the non-custodial parent is basically stripped of some of their basic rights to parent their children while the custodial parent holds most of the cards, and then add into that the level of anger and bitterness that infuse a lot of these divorce/stepfamily situations, it's a ticking time bomb for a lot of people.

I'm not saying "all" because there are some divorced or separated parents that work well together for their children or parent responsibly when the other parent isn't available for whatever reason. It's just not the norm and in these situations, the kids are stuck in the middle of a no-win situation for anybody. One parent may be getting what he or she wants with their anger or bitterness and think they have to one-up the other parent or stick it to them whenever they can, but they aren't winning anything. They are crippling their children emotionally. Everybody loses eventually. The child loses. The other parent loses. The "winning" parent loses by parenting ineffectively. Society loses when these children grow up to repeat the cycle.

I know crime happens in all types of families regardless of race or income, however, I would like to see statistics in kids of divorce or separated parents and kids who grow up without a parent. I really would.

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Kids Beating Kids

I watched a video on the CBS News this morning of teenage girls beating another teenaged girl and videotaping it. The "reason" for this was because the victim had posted a comment on her myspace. The video was very disturbing. You can probably see it for a little while at CBS News .

Words VS Beating

Yeah, that sounds fair. Huh? What are these kids thinking? Do they not "feel" anything?

These kids lured her there to beat her, even knocking her unconscious after knocking her into a wall - six teenaged girls inside with two teenaged boys outside as lookouts. Eight teenagers are facing charges for battery and false imprisonment and may be charged as adults. What is wrong with kids today that they can do this? What is wrong with society that this is happening more and more?

The officer interviewed said the girls who did it were laughing at the police station. One even asked if she was going to be able to go to cheerleading practice the next day! Another joked about missing their spring break. Where have some kids lost that emotional connect? Do these kids not feel anything? The officer interviewed said they showed no remorse. Kind of scary huh?

Allegedly the victim posted on her myspace page afterward "hahaha all in jail". I haven't seen the myspace page but this is what the article I linked to above posted.

Is it a select few kids who have that emotional disconnect and lack of respect for human life or are more kids at risk? Are we raising our kids right? Something obviously isn't working. I'd like to know how these teens were raised, what the parenting skills were, what the family dynamics were. I'd really like to know why these teens didn't feel any remorse while doing this.

Are the teens to blame? Do their parents have any blame?

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Potty Mouth

Well, dad is supposed to talk to his ex-girlfriend about their son's potty mouth while he was here last week. He mentioned it a few days ago but I have no idea if (or when) he plans to do it. I didn't ask.

Frankly, I don't expect anything to come of it on the other end. It never has before, not even when my stepson's behavior resulted in my kids going to the doctor, emergency room, or therapists. Maybe he'll have to drop a quarter into his swear jar. Oooh, that's discipline!

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