Was 15 years meaningless? Surprisingly, no.

After being made to feel meaningless and expendable by my stepdaughter after 15+ years of loving her, to be kicked to the curb when it came to graduation (seriously, eight tickets are more than enough - or should be and when you tell your dad he gets two for dad and stepmom and then take stepmom's ticket away a week before the trip - wrong!), I thought to myself - the last 15+ years was a waste...I put myself, my heart, out there and it didn't mean anything...I took care of her like my own and it meant nothing.  Why did I bother?


The other day I told a friend of mine how it all felt meaningless after all these years of being in a parental role with my stepdaughter and this being the result and she said something that made a huge difference to me:

"You should not feel like your help in raising her is meaningless though, loving her was the right thing to do. You can be proud of yourself! It is sad that an exciting/happy time is this way because it doesn't have to be like that, which you already see, because you aren't CRAZY."

She's right.  I wouldn't have done anything different.  I COULDN'T have done anything different.  It isn't in me to treat children any different than with love and caring.  I could not have been a stepmom the last 15 years to two kids without showing them any positive emotion or taking care of them when they were in my home.  I did the right thing by them and it's on their mother and them how they behave now as an adult and almost adult.  It's on them how they treat other members of their family - their dad, me, and their four younger siblings.  

Now, this is not to say that as an adult, she's going to get my heart out front for her to puncture time and again.  What my stepdaughter did to me, and her dad especially, was terribly wrong and as of right now, it's changed the dynamics, the bond, between she and I in my eyes.  Stab me in the back once - shame on you. Stab me in the back twice - shame on me.  She's an adult now and responsible for her actions.  She's not a young child anymore who needs me to brush her hair, make her meals, and kiss her boo boos away.  I CAN be proud for providing for them when they were at dad's house and giving everything I could that they needed to be loved and taken care of since marrying my husband while they were with us despite the conflict, interference and vindictiveness of their mother over the years.  

Read more...

Uncertain Relationships with Stepchild

My relationship with my stepdaughter has me confused. When she was younger, we were very close. I was her second mother and she loved me regardless of what she was told outside our home that she shouldn't feel or do by others. Now that she is a teenager and has given in to the manipulations (can't blame a kid really for doing that...it was rough for them for a lot of years), our relationship runs hot and cold. Tonight, for instance, she's texting me pictures of the boy she likes in school, texts me a joke, and is just open and friendly. When she was here last, she was confiding things to me that she wasn't telling either one of her parents, most especially her mother. She trusted me to listen and not judge (and help if I can). At other times, she is distant or just entirely ignores communication attempts. Is it step related? Is it teenage angst? Maybe a little of both?

I am looking forward to the day she turns 18 (or thereabouts). I am hoping our relationship will level out once she is an adult, not totally reliant on her mother or worried so much about her that she puts the rest of us at a distance most of the time.

Read more...

Not Even A Thank You

After receiving an email from the ex about arranging the return home of the kids (you know, the email SHE is allowed to send but dh can't - - he has to personally call her and chase her by phone), my husband was at work for the rest of the night when that email from her was received and wasn't going to be able to answer it. Since the kids were going home early the next morning, I had to handle it (yeah for me). I sent the ex-girlfriend the specifics (time kids were leaving here, time they would be meeting her, where the meeting place was and two maps of the route/meeting place). Pretty nice of me huh? After all, I'm just the wicked stepmother, her ex-boyfriend's current wife (she liked to call me his "current" wife like there is going to be another one after me, lol). Considering she couldn't drag him down the aisle, it's pretty funny.

Anyhow, do you think I received a response back from my husband's ex-girlfriend after she received my emailed response back with all the arrangements? Perhaps a "thank you"? Most people would use basic manners right? Nope, nada, nothing.

Was I surprised? Nope, nada, not at all. There wasn't an audience so she didn't have to pretend to be something she wasn't with us.

I'm just the stepmother - not important at all. We don't get thanks for anything. That would be too civilized.

Read more...