Loving A Step
>> Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Are you supposed to love your stepchild? Is your stepchild "required" to love you? Is that putting an unfair burden on a step-parent and step-child (and another pressure on your marital relationship that doesn't need to be there)? Let's face it, blending a family is much harder than if it was just your biological children and you. Second families face the same pressures as first families but more when you add in stepchildren and the multitude of problems with them, step-parents, different personalities, different holiday traditions, the financial pressure of supporting two families, adding an "ours" child(ren), and difficult ex's (or if you're lucky, cooperative ex's).
From a step-parents standpoint, that child is not your biological child. The natural and instinctive nature of a biological parent to love their child (most bio-parents anyway), is natural for most people. If you have developed a loving relationship with your step-child(ren), that is wonderful for both the step-parent and step-child(ren). However, if you haven't, don't feel guilty. You do not have to love your step-child. If your spouse expects you to love his/her child, have a talk with him/her; go to counseling if necessary. That's a pressure on the step-relationship that isn't necessary. What is necessary is that the step-parent and step-child respect each other while in the step-parent's household and treat each other fairly.
From a step-child's point of view, a step-parent is not a biological parent and unless the biological parent is unfit, neglectful, or abusive, you will never replace a biological parent's place in your stepchild's heart, nor should you try (or want to). If a step-child comes to love you, that is a wonderful gift. Don't push them to love you and don't make them call you something (mom/dad) they aren't ready or don't want to call you (and may never call you). Whether they call you by your first name, by "mom" or "dad", or by a combination of both doesn't really matter and should be left up to them.
If you give it time and work together, your relationship with your step will form on its own.
