Custodial Parents

I've seen and heard a lot over the years that has astounded me. I've watched kids get pulled in two unnecessarily. Do you think that doesn't have any long-term consequences? Doing what is best for the kids should ALWAYS be the priority. Here's what I think:

• When your children leave to go with the other parent, don't stand forlornly behind acting like you are being left out, alone and unhappy. Don't make your children feel they are hurting you by wanting to spend time with their other parent. Make sure that you have a life that continues even after your children leave you and reassure your children that you do. Go out with friends, take classes, do something for yourself. Children will worry about you if they think you are at home and miserable without them. It isn't their responsibility to ensure your happiness. Get a life!
• When your child's other parent is picking up or dropping off the children, be friendly. You don't have to be friends, but don't act like you're meeting your enemy. Children can feel tension though you may not realize it.
• Encourage your child's relationship with their other parent. The parent-child relationship has nothing to do with the relationship you had with that parent. Don't confuse the two.
• Encourage your child's relationship with a new step-parent. This person will have an impact on your child regardless of your feelings. This person will most likely be responsible for your child's welfare at times. You wouldn't refuse to talk to or get to know a caregiver you hire. Why would you refuse to be civil to a step-parent?
• Respect the time your child spends with his/her other parent. Do not try to interfere with or cancel that time. Your child needs that time with his/her other parent. Don't make visitation difficult for your child's other parent to exercise. It isn't your time to interfere with - it's the child's time.
• If you have one of those every other weekend, two hours a week visitation schedules and your child asks to spend more time with their non-custodial parent, ALLOW IT. It is what they need or else your child wouldn't ask. It does not reflect on you or their love for you in any way. Don't be so unyielding that you won't allow a minute over what the court order states. Do you really think a bunch of people who don't know your child knows what is best for your child? Most orders are "generic". There is a "standard" because it is easier for the agency to enforce the order (should it come to that); if most orders are the same, they don't have thousands of different parenting time schedules to review each time something occurs. It saves them time! This isn't my view...this is straight from an employee of Michigan's family court agency. I had one employee there tell me that if we can work it out between the parties, don't let the Court decide for you. They're right. It is the bitter person who denies their child more time with their other parent without good reason.
• A child has the capacity to love many people. Because he/she loves his other parent, his stepparent, his half-sister, stepbrother, etc., does not mean that he/she loves you less. It isn't a bad thing to have so many people loving your child. You should be proud that your child is that lovable! You should be happy that your child is so cared for! Would you rather he be unloved/neglected when he is at the other parent's home? How would it make your child feel if his/her other parent ignored them? How would it make your child feel if his/her stepparent ignored them or treated them differently than their step or half siblings? Do you want your child to feel that hurt because that is exactly what they will feel if this happens?
• Do not ask your child questions about the other parent's home, personal life, etc. It isn't your child's responsibility to provide this to you and it isn't any of your business.
• Even though you may not like the new person in your ex's life, recognize that person for what they contribute to helping to raise your child. They do have an influence on your child's life whether you want to admit that or not. Constantly excluding them or ignoring them is petty. If you are old enough to be responsible for a child's life, you are old enough to act like an adult. You are a role model for your children. Is this how you would want them to behave?
• Get to know your child's stepparent if they have one. This person will have influence on your child's life and ignoring that fact will not make it untrue. This may be the person who will help care for them should something happen to you. As a biological parent myself, I couldn't imagine why I wouldn't want to know a person who would have so much influence and contact with my child. Why wouldn't I want to know the person who is fixing meals for my child, drying their tears when I'm not there, and helping to tuck them into bed at night when they aren't with me? You would take the time to get to know your child's day care provider and teacher...why not a step-parent? If you think a stepparent doesn't have any influence on your children or any responsibility for their care, you are choosing to stick your head elsewhere!
• If your child's other parent can't afford to provide a few extras (or just hasn't), send a few of your children's things with your child that will remain at the other parent's home. It will make your child feel more comfortable when he/she goes there. Having a few extra sets of clothing at the other parent's home will make your child feel good and will reduce the hassle of having to make sure clothes are washed and packed for your child's departure to their other home. (When we did this, it was a great relief not to have that bag going back and forth and made the kids feel like they had a home with us too.)
• Involve your child's other parent. You want to pierce your daughter's ears? Talk to the other parent. You want to enroll your child in a sport? Let the other parent know and offer their involvement in the practices, games, etc. Send copies of the game or practice schedule to the other parent. Keep the other parent updated on the child's activities, school (send copies of report cards, school newsletters, graded assignments). Offer to allow the non-custodial parent take the child to his next medical check-up instead of you. Is there a school field trip coming up? See if your child's other parent would like to take them this time instead of you. It could make a world of difference in the relationship you have with your child's other parent (and will mean much more to your child). That will make a world of difference to your child.
• Put yourself in the non-custodial parent's shoes. How would you feel if you could only see your child on a very limited schedule, with little decision-making ability, and little (or no) involvement in their daily lives. If you couldn't see them every morning when you wake, how would you feel? How would you feel if you had to send support to the other parent but had no control over how it was being spent on your child? If you take advantage of our messed up family law system, don't act surprised to feel resentment from the non-custodial parent. Because the adult relationship did not work, he/she has lost a lot of his parent-child relationship rights and responsibilities. It doesn't have to be that way. It is up to you to make sure it isn't. Your children deserve that.

Being a parent is about giving your child the best of what you are capable of giving them in order for them to grow to be healthy (emotionally and physically), loving, happy, responsible adults. Denying a child the opportunity to be mutually raised by their other loving, responsible parent because of your own insecurities and bitterness is horrid. Using the law's inefficiencies to further your revenge against the other parent is the worst way to parent your child. You may be capable in every other way of parenting your child, but when you deny them (or interfere with, or have little regard for) the love they need from the other parent and their other family (yes, they do have another family beside you), you are denying them the most important part of themselves - they are half of that other parent too.

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